Road Trip

Road trips are awesome. There are two reasons I like road trips. First of all, I like maps. My family moved across the country from western Washington to eastern North Carolina when I was 9 years old. Every time we crossed a state line on the interstate, we had to stop at the welcome center so I could get a state map. I had a drawer full of maps in my room--state maps, country maps, city maps, even moon maps. I'm not sure what my fascination is; I just like to pore over the landscape details, try to memorize interesting features, and imagine different cultures. 

This is my porno centerfold

The second reason is because I love to read. Specifically, I love to read epic fantasy novels. What does this have to do with road trips? I used to do most of my reading on road trips. I would just sit in the back seat of our minivan and lose myself in a book on any car ride. Long trips across country; 2 hour rides to the beach; even our short 30 minute trip to see my grandparents (they were literally--not figuratively--over the river and through the woods (I just used a dash within a parenthesis; is that possible? (now I have parenthesis within parenthesis (it's like Inception. (I'm in too deep! (Is this even real??)))))).

My ultimate fantasy, besides going on a Lord of the Rings tour of New Zealand, is taking a road trip to San Diego ComicCon. And I wouldn't even go there to see hot movie stars or the latest Avengers trailer. Nope, I'd go just to meet my favorite authors like a total geek. On the long car ride, I could happily collect maps along the way (have to be prepared!), and examine every aspect of the route. During times I don't drive, I could re-read my favorite novels. 

I'd also go for the sexy costumes

Speaking of re-reading novels, for our trip down to Florida, I chose to read The Dragonbone Chair by Tad Williams. This is an excellent book--first published 25 years ago--that my older brother got me to read when I was in high school. I remember reading it on many a road trip. George R.R. Martin lists Tad Williams as one of his favorite authors and you can see echoes of The Dragonbone Chair in Game of Thrones. It always makes me think of my last two years of high school when I went to a public boarding school about two hours drive from my hometown. Have I geeked out enough yet?

Doesn't it look exciting??

Right now, you're thinking two things: (1) "Now I know why he's socially awkward in public" and (2) "Whoa Whoa there, Brian!! You seemed like a halfway cool guy. How on earth did you manage to snag a hottie like Betsy if you're such a nerd??" 

The truth is, I lied to my lovely wife. When we got married, she had no idea I used to hide behind our living room couch as a kid to read Eddings, or Feist, or Brooks, or Weis & Hickman; and I could intelligently debate the differences between Middle Earth, Pern, and Osten Ard (first of all, Pern is a science fiction world with dragons; the other two are fantasy worlds with...never mind); and I used to play Dungeons and Dragons as a dwarf named Ironwolf. If she had known these things, I'm sure she would've gotten the heck out of there. But she was clueless and now she's trapped. MMWAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!! 

Yes. I owned a copy of this.

On the other hand, Betsy didn't really tell me how often I'd be talking to Katie (Hey Brian, watcha doin?) every day, so I figure we're about even.

So anyway, Betsy proposed that we drive from our house in Knoxville to visit her sister's house in Clearwater, Florida, for Thanksgiving--about 12 hours by car. Furthermore, she wanted to bring our dog, Aspen, with us. This was shocking to me. For one thing, Aspen weighs over 100 pounds. Bringing him and a hyper six year-old would be quite an undertaking. 

He may look adorable, but in enclosed spaces he gets a bit "gassy"

For another thing, unlike me, Betsy hates road trips. After 11 years of marriage, I recently figured out that she hates road trips because she gets extremely carsick when she reads (I'm a bit slow on the uptake). Even the thought of reading makes Betsy nauseous in the car, so she can't look at maps while she rides and she can't read the latest Scott Lynch or Patrick Rothfuss fantasy novel--not that she reads that kind of stuff anyway. Unless she's driving, all she can do in the car is sit and explain to me in great detail how my driving is vastly inferior to her own. 

So, road trips are no fun for Betsy. In fact, I'd venture to say that road trips WITH Betsy are no fun. Yet she wanted to go on a 12 hour trip in a small enclosed space with a 100 lb. dog and an easily bored six year-old. Bravely, I agreed to take the journey, knowing that I risked my very sanity. For meals, I pre-made four blends, put them in blender bottles, and packed them in a small cooler. I had one of those meals each day we were gone. It really came in handy to not need to break out the Blendtec while we were on the road. 

Like my awesome travel cooler?

Before we left, I borrowed three audiobooks for Grace to listen to in the car. One of these was Harry Potter. I had visions of my daughter raptly listening to the adventures of Harry in Hogwarts. "Grace will be so enthralled with the story," I thought, "that she'll forget she's in a car altogether. Instead she'll be transported to a magical world of witches, wizards, and Quidditch!" The reality of the trip looked more like this:

Technology will be the death of us.

Yes, that's Grace on my iPad watching a Monster High video.

Actually, the trip down wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong, the holiday weather and traffic around Atlanta was a nightmare, but after we got through that it was smooth sailing. Our dog is pretty mellow and mostly slept the whole time. As you can see, my daughter was glued to the iPad screen. The one time we tried listening to Harry Potter, she fell asleep during the first chapter, so at least that's an option if we ever can't get her to go to bed. 

His head weighs more than Grace

Stopped at Waffle House for a snack (I refuse to bring a Blendtec in WH)

Blendtec recently was kind enough to send me their Wildside pitcher, which holds twice as much food as their regular pitcher, so I brought this in anticipation of the large Thanksgiving meal at Betsy's sister's house. Her sister, Anne, had a beautifully remodeled kitchen. Unfortunately, her dining room table didn't fit either of my syringe holders. It's weird how one of the first things I look at when I walk into a strange house now is the thickness of the dining room table to see if I could comfortably eat there. Too thick, and my syringe holder made from a clip-on lamp I got at Lowe's won't fit. At Anne's house, I had to hook up to their kitchen counter. We had a traditional turkey dinner for Thanksgiving. I ended up with turkey (of course), sweet potatoes, pea salad, and Katie's homemade collard greens in my blend.

I chose towels to match my blend

Even Aspen had a Thanksgiving meal

As it turned out, Betsy did pretty well on the road trip. In fact, she did better than I did--especially on the drive home. My main issue was drooling. Since I can't swallow my saliva, I carry a hand towel with me to catch any excess spit. Some days, I only need a couple towels--one during the day and one at night. Other times, though, I might go through five towels over the course of one afternoon. I haven't been able to figure out what sets it off. Sometimes it's something as innocuous as smelling a lemon or an orange. Even the smell of a Starburst has brought out my saliva. On other days, though, the same smells have no effect. The day we drove home was one of those heavy drooling days. Betsy couldn't drive the whole time, of course. As I was driving, I could feel saliva start to pool up in my mouth and collect down the back of my throat. Since I only have one hand to drive with, I had to ask her to take the wheel every few miles so I could bring up whatever nasty spit I was collecting back there. I had a whole stack of towels, but I was basically just reusing towels that were already damp and gross by the end of the trip. Sorry to paint a disgusting picture, but it was not a pleasant drive home for me. After that drive, I think I'm over my nostalgia for road trips...at least until the next ComicCon.

Starbucks Selfie

We caused quite a stir at the Valdosta, Georgia, Starbucks where I broke out one of my blender bottle meals, set up my syringe holder and towels and had a meal with my coffee on the way home. I got quite a few stares, then our dog, Aspen, got even more while he waited for me right outside.

They wouldn't let Aspen in, but they gave him a free "Doggie Latte"

Happy Thanksgiving from Florida! (Grace got eaten by a shark)