Red Lobster

My wife is a work of art. Smooth, alabaster skin, dainty nose, moist lips kissed by a rose, hair of golden silk, hazel eyes like a misty forest after a storm. Unmarred by age, she is just as beautiful today as the day I married her. A model. A diva. A goddess.

But something happens to my sweet angel when she eats crab legs. 

Something...unusual. Something...terrifying. 

Here we are a few days ago out at one of her favorite places to eat in Knoxville, Red Lobster:

Grace just came for the biscuits

Seems innocent enough, right? Everybody out for a good time? Why don't you look a little more closely at Betsy's face.

OH. MY. GOD!!!!!!

Yes, my wife turns into a hideous monster around crab legs! Woe to any man, woman, or child who gets between her and her pound(s) of crab meat. The waiters already know what she's come for, drawing straws to decide who will be unlucky enough to bring her offering. "Can we get you anything else, Ma'am?" "JUST BRING ME THE LEGS!!!!!!  RRRRAAAAAWWWRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!" With the piercing cry of a velociraptor she tears into the plate timidly presented by the waitress. 

Yes. My wife is a velociraptor.

The shells are pathetically inadequate against her powerful claws. Terrified, Grace pathetically sobs in the corner. I warn other diners to run while they still can. Over the ripping, rending sound of her fangs sinking into crab flesh I hear panicked screams from those caught in her fiery glare.

This is WITH red-eye-reduction

By the end of the meal, we have the place to ourselves. I sit uneasily across from the terrifying beast who once was my wife. A mangled pile of crab shells lies in front of her. Her hands and arms look as though she has bathed in butter sauce.

"She's more machine now than woman"

A frightened waitress warily presents our bill before scampering back to the kitchen with a whimper. Looks like another Red Lobster we won't be welcome back to.

These photos were not doctored in any way.

I guess what I'm getting at here is Betsy LOVES crab legs. She consumes them with the type of lazer-like focus that I would reserve for reading fantasy novels, tuning out any distractions. 

Husband choking? "Not now, I'm eating." 

A table-side visit from the President? "Can't talk right now! You see what I'm doing here?!?" 

Daughter getting kidnapped? "Donph bofvfer meph. Thesph cramph lergs arph so goonmph." 

She actually didn't start eating crab legs until we started dating in Florida, but ever sense then Betsy can't get enough. 

As usual, Red Lobster's managers and wait staff were very understanding and had no problem putting my meal in the Blendtec and bringing it out to me in the pitcher. The manager this time was Rachel and our server was Keona. They were both extremely nice and gave us excellent service.

Unfortunately, the restaurant doesn't have a gluten-free menu. Instead, they have a printout of their allergen menu (you can see it at: http://www.redlobster.com/health/allergy/pdf/RL_Allergen_Menu.pdf) This menu lists every item on their menu and which allergens it contains (nut, soy, dairy, wheat, etc.). It is nice that they provide this much, although it takes a bit to find the entrees and decipher which ones might contain gluten. Maybe I'm being too demanding? I don't know; I guess if you want to eat gluten-free at Red Lobster, it would be a good idea to check out the allergens beforehand to plan out your meal.

I got the stuffed flounder with brocolli on the side. Wish I could've had a couple of those buttery biscuits they serve because they are sooo good!

Grace had to take the picture because mommy was feeding on crab carcass

Grace is petrified of lobsters, but this one seems harmless

I made her stand in front of them anyway. Am I a bad father?

Thanks for another great night, Red Lobster! Sorry about the mess.

Product Endorsement

I am so jealous of Julie Bombacino. "Who is Julie Bombacino," you ask? She is a mother who started a company in 2012 that makes real food blends for tubies (RealFoodBlends.com). Why am I jealous? Because I wish I had that idea myself. Instead, I'm sitting on my ass writing about the HUGE difference her company will make on those of us who tubefeed. Not to mention the dramatic effect she'll have on companies that manufacture formula and tout their product as "nutritious." 

Let me share my experience eating Julie's meals, as opposed to pushing an 8 ounce can of TwoCal HN through my tube. 

First of all, what are the ingredients in a typical formula like TwoCal HN? They don't have it on their cans, but I did find it on their website.

475 calories of fun!

Water, Corn Syrup Solids, Sodium & Calcium Caseinates, Corn Maltodextrin, High Oleic Safflower Oil, Sugar (Sucrose), Medium-Chain Triglycerides, Canola Oil, Fructooligosaccharides, Potassium Citrate, Magnesium Chloride, Calcium Phosphate, Natural & Artificial Flavors, Soy Lecithin, Sodium Citrate, Ascorbic Acid, Choline Chloride, Taurine, L-Carnitine, Zinc Sulfate, Ferrous Sulfate, dl-Alpha-Tocopheryl Acetate, Niacinamide, Calcium Pantothenate, Manganese Sulfate, Cupric Sulfate, Thiamine Chloride Hydrochloride, Pyridoxine Hydrochloride, Riboflavin, Vitamin A Palmitate, Folic Acid, Biotin, Chromium Chloride, Sodium Molybdate, Potassium Iodide, Sodium Selenate, Phylloquinone, Cyanocobalamin, and Vitamin D3.

No meal is complete without a helping of dl-Alpha-Tocopheryl Acetate, right? Also, what the hell are Fructooligosaccharides? They sound delicious, whatever they are. I actually had to look them up. There's a wikipedia page devoted to Fructooligosaccharides, believe it or not. They serve as an alternate artificial sweetener and are touted for their prebiotic (not probiotic) health benefits. You learn something new every day. So TwoCal has Fructooligosaccharides going for it, if nothing else. How about Ensure Plus? They also supply ingredients on their website:

I prefer vanilla; Betsy likes her chocolate. Either way, it's crap.

Water, Corn Maltodextrin, Sugar, Milk Protein Concentrate, Canola Oil, Soy Protein Isolate, Corn Oil, Pea Protein Concentrate. Less than 0.5% of the Following: Natural & Artificial Flavor, Magnesium Phosphate, Potassium Citrate, Soy Lecithin, Sodium Citrate, Potassium Chloride, Calcium Phosphate, Calcium Carbonate, Salt, Choline Chloride, Ascorbic Acid, Potassium Hydroxide, Carrageenan, Ferrous Sulfate, dl-Alpha-Tocopheryl Acetate, Zinc Sulfate, Niacinamide, Manganese Sulfate, Calcium Pantothenate, Cupric Sulfate, Vitamin A Palmitate, Thiamine Chloride Hydrochloride, Pyridoxine Hydrochloride, Riboflavin, Chromium Chloride, Folic Acid, Sodium Molybdate, Biotin, Sodium Selenate, Potassium Iodide, Phylloquinone, Vitamin D3, and Cyanocobalamin.

No Fructooligosaccharides but I see dl-Alpha-Tocopheryl Acetate again. There are a lot of similarities. Sugar is high on both lists. At least Ensure has pea protein concentrate; that's a recognizable vegetable, right? Also, both products seem to contain a lot of corn. 

Boost Plus? I can't tolerate their formula at all, but here's an image of their ingredients:

Once again, sugar and corn are prominently featured and there're those Fructooligosaccharides again. I get a formula called Jevity whenever I'm staying at the hospital. It's supposed to be strictly for tubefeeding. Jevity is made by the same company that makes TwoCal. Here are the ingredients for their formula:

Don't know if I get the 1.0, 1.2, or 1.5 Cal but this is what it looks like

Water, Corn Maltodextrin, Corn Syrup Solids, Sodium & Calcium Caseinates, Soy Protein Isolate, Canola Oil, Corn Oil, Fructooligosaccharides, Medium-Chain Triglycerides, Soy Fiber, Oat Fiber, Calcium Phosphate, Magnesium Phosphate, Potassium Citrate, Gum Arabic, Soy Lecithin, Potassium Chloride, Carboxymethylcellulose, Sodium Chloride, Ascorbic Acid, Choline Chloride, Sodium Citrate, L-Carnitine, Taurine, Zinc Sulfate, dl-Alpha-Tocopheryl Acetate, Ferrous Sulfate, Niacinamide, Calcium Pantothenate, Manganese Sulfate, Cupric Sulfate, Thiamine Chloride Hydrochloride, Pyridoxine Hydrochloride, Riboflavin, Beta-Carotene, Vitamin A Palmitate, Folic Acid, Biotin, Chromium Chloride, Sodium Molybdate, Potassium Iodide, Sodium Selenate, Phylloquinone, Cyanocobalamin, and Vitamin D3.

Corn and Fructooligosaccharides. Plus some Carboxymethylcellulose. That's a new one. Why did formula companies have to fill their products with all these complex ingredients, rather than just use actual food?? Before Ensure and TwoCal and all the rest came along, people used to get blended meals through their tubes. We need to get back to our "tubie roots" because it's much healthier. Everyone in the "Blenderized Diet" community can attest to the dramatic difference eating real food has on our health.

So, let's walk through the way I feel putting formula through my tube. In the morning, I often have a can of TwoCal because it's more convenient than preparing a meal, I'm lazy, and one can doesn't make me nauseous the way 5 cans a day would. So here's my open can this morning:

"blllleeeeeaaaaaahhhhh"

And here's how I feel when I eat it:

Note the look of revulsion.

TwoCal, or any formula, feels really heavy in my stomach. Like I've just ingested a brick. I don't feel satisfied at all. If I have to subsist on TwoCal all day, eating nothing else, I have a hard time getting down the amount I need. Before I started eating blended foods, my nutritionist had me take at least 6 cans of Ensure Plus ("preferably 7," he said) every day. Typically I couldn't do more than 4 or 5. Desperate to get calories, I got a pump through the VA so I could slowly pump in formula overnight. I couldn't stand being tethered to a pump, but it was the only way I could stomach any of the formulas I tried. 

Then I found blended food. Sort of sounds like a religion, I know. But my life has gone from a downward spiral to actually enjoying eating again. 

Anyway, let's take a look at Mrs. Bombacino's ingredients for the "Salmon Oats & Squash" blend. It's right on every box: 

Pretty much just what it says

Good until January 2017 so I can start stocking up for the zombie apocalypse!!

Water, squash puree, salmon, pomegranate juice concentrate, rolled oats, flaxseed oil. 

That's it. I recognize every one of those ingredients. The other night I had the pleasure of eating a "Salmon Oats & Squash" blend. First, here's a picture of Grace doing the happy dance when I got a package of blended meals:

I told her the box was full of chocolate. Am I a bad father?

Once you open a box of the salmon blend it looks like this. Sort of like an M.R.E. pouch. So maybe tubies could be in the military! Or all our soldiers should have feeding tubes!!! Just something to think about.

MRE flashbacks...

The pouches are designed to stand on their own. This is so that you can draw up a syringe-full right out of the pouch and plunge it in the tube.

It actually smelled really good!

Personally, it's easier for me to pour it into my tube directly, rather than pulling it up into the syringe with the plunger first (see my Mechanics of Tubefeeding post) so I dumped it out into a measuring cup to make it easier to pour. Here I am eating a Real Food Blend:

I know it's hard to tell, but that's my happy face

It was just like eating a regular blended meal. Easy on my stomach. I felt completely satisfied, even with such a small amount. This is more of a child-size portion, just 8 ounces. I could easily have eaten two of these in one sitting. No nausea. Could I ingest 2 cans of Ensure, one after the other like that? Not a chance.

These meals will be so vital to me when I'm traveling! They're easy to pack. They're shelf-stable, without needing refrigeration. I like the gluten-free "Salmon Oats & Squash" blend, but they also have a gluten-free quinoa blend and a chicken blend. Mrs. Bombacino says that they are working on more adult-size portions. Seriously, EVERY TUBIE NEEDS TO GO OUT AND BUY THESE BLENDS!!!!

No, I'm not just urging other tubies and tubie moms to buy Real Food Blends. EVERYONE needs to buy these meals, and I'll tell you why. I'm tired of visiting someone else's house and being asked, "Can I get you anything to eat?" Then I have to put that wry expression on my face and say, "Sorry, no, I eat through a feeding tube." More often I'm too tired to go into detail about my health issues, so I say, "No thanks, I'm not hungry." This leaves my host thinking I'm impolite, too good for their food, angry words are exchanged, I'm never invited back, yada yada yada, we exchange death threats. It's a whole big thing.

For all those times, you need to buy at least a decent selection of Real Food Blends. To make people like me feel at home. "Would you like something to eat, Brian? What's that you say? You eat through a tube? Well actually, I have a selection of delicious blended meals I can offer you." This would make me feel so welcome. So included.

You know what? If you don't get a salmon meal, then I'm not coming to visit you. Ever. How about that? I know the vast majority of you are thinking, Fantastic!! I don't want that guy on my street, much less in my house!!! However, for those of you who enjoy my company. If you beg me constantly to come by, just for an hour, at least. If you wait by your front door every day hoping for a glimpse of me, then this message is for you!! Yeah, I'M TALKING TO YOU, MOM!!! ...no? uh...ok....THEN I'M TALKING TO YOU, GRAMMY!!! She can't say no because she doesn't use the internet, so HA!!!!!!

So, if you'd like to be a good host, then please buy a nice selection of Mrs. Bombacino's meals. Like I said, she should be coming out with adult-size portions soon. Here's the link again: RealFoodBlends.com or they're on Amazon (link)! 

Here's to Being Different

Kids stare at me. Not the idolizing, "I-look-up-to-you-and-worship-you" stare. It's more the "Whoa. What-in-God's-name-is-WRONG-with-that-guy?!?" type of stare. 

You see, I'm partly paralyzed on my left side. Only the right side of my mouth moves. My right arm is much bigger than my left. In fact, my left arm mostly just swings uselessly at my side. I'm unable to swallow, so I have a feeding tube inserted into my stomach and dangling about 8 inches down to peek out of the bottom of my shirt. The inability to swallow also causes me to drool at inopportune moments like at the smell of food when I'm especially hungry, or at the sight of the Denver Broncos cheerleaders (I'm just joking Betsy; I only have eyes for you).

"What is that ugly man doing with his coffee, Mommy?"

All this means that when I first volunteered in Grace's elementary school classroom, kids had a hard time focusing because they were so busy staring at me. Or, when I eat through my feeding tube out at a restaurant, children are mesmerized by the sight of me eating. At one particular restaurant I was eating with my family and a young boy walked around my table (TWICE!), saying nothing and staring with wide eyed astonishment as I pushed blended food into my stomach.

Does it bother me? Yes, I have to admit that sometimes it does. I don't enjoy feeling like some sort of circus freak show.

OK, I guess I do look like a circus freak, but doesn't she look adorable?!?

I think many people who read this blog can relate to the way I feel. I'm not saying you're all circus freaks...well...maybe you are...but it's not something I'd say here. I'd say it behind your back or on a public forum like Facebook. 

Actually, I think everyone has experienced standing out in the crowd. Parents with tubefed children who feed their son or daughter in public. Or parents whose child has autism, or cerebral palsy, or Down's syndrome. Anyone with a disability or disease that makes them publicly conspicuous understands. What do we do about it? Many people retreat from the public eye. They fear going out. They imagine what others are thinking about them. What are they whispering to their friends? Are they quietly laughing at my infirmity? 

I used to hate tubefeeding in public. I forbid anyone from taking photos of me in the act. When our family went out to restaurants, I would just sit and stare at my wife and daughter eating. "No, waiter, nothing to eat or drink for me; just hurry up and bring the bill so we can get home and I can eat."

Everyone who's adopted an Asian child knows what I'm talking about here. We adopted my daughter, Grace, from China in 2008.

The moment Grace became our daughter, July 23, 2008, Nanchang, China

Many parents of foreign-born children have experienced being stared at because we look different. We are white parents with children who look nothing like us. We all know how it is when we're sitting in the mall food court and we can feel eyes on us. Are they silently judging us? Do they look at us with pity? Are they looking down on us? We know they're raising questions in their minds and answering those questions with their own misconceptions and prejudice. Just come out and say what you're thinking! In our minds, we imagine their ignorant inquiries and our sharp responses:

"There are so many kids who need adopting right here. Why adopt from China?"

"You're so LUCKY you didn't have to go through labor!"

"Do you feel like she's not really yours?"

"I couldn't adopt. No way I could love a child that's not really mine."

"From a distance, you look like you could be her real mother!"

This family seems pretty ordinary to me

But my daughter taught me to look at things differently. When she sees another kid staring at my tube, she speaks right up, "My daddy can't swallow so he eats through a tube." She'll say it to anyone. "My daddy had cancer and his arm won't work." Even if I haven't shown my tube. If someone just offers me some water, or a bite to eat. "Daddy has a feeding tube. He puts his food in a blender." She speaks without apology--without embarrassment. "Daddy can't run." "Daddy you're spitting." "Daddy used to play guitar, but he can't now." She even mimics my smile; only pulling up one side of her mouth and squinting one eye as she gives me a thumbs up. My daughter isn't bothered at all by my appearance. I'd say she's proud of my differences. 

Daddy's girl

My six year-old has been my example. I volunteer in her classroom as much as I can. I've started a blog where I post pictures of myself tubefeeding. At swimming pools, I walk unashamedly with my shirt off, displaying my tube, my emaciated arm, every inch of my disfigured body. Well, not every inch; pretty sure I'd get arrested for that.

She brings me out of my shell

In the same way, our differences--whether we're caucasian parents of foreign children, parents of disabled children, or suffer from some physical deformity that makes us stand out in the crowd--needn't be something to feel self-conscious about. On the contrary, we should all be proud to stick out in public. Just like Grace with my disability, we need to speak up to banish others' ignorance. I've learned that standing out in a crowd can be awesome. I love introducing kids, and adults, to the idea that some people eat differently. I love showing people that families can be unconventional too. Sometimes parents don't look like their kids but that's ok. So here's to being different!

Don't be like all the other penguins

Almond Butter

Betsy and I are planning to attend the Disabled American Veterans Winter Sports Clinic again this year. Last year was the first time I went, and it was awesome!! The DAV is kind enough to pay for the first visit, but the veteran has to cover travel to Snowmass and lodging every other time. Lift tickets and my meals are still free, though we have to pay for Betsy' and Grace's skiing and meals. Even with the things the DAV pays for, the cost for 3 tickets from Knoxville to Aspen, seven nights at the resort hotel (admittedly at a very reduced cost), ski school for Grace, lift tickets for Betsy, meals and incidentals gets pretty expensive.

So, a few months ago, I wrote a letter to Blendtec asking if they would sponsor me for the next clinic. A very nice representative wrote back explaining that they don't have a budget for sponsorships, however she enjoyed reading my blog and sent me two new containers for my blender, a Wildside jar and a Twister jar.

Still got that "New Jar" smell

Although it looks smaller in the picture, the Wildside jar is about twice as big as the standard pitcher the Blendtec comes with. It is MUCH better for the larger blends I eat when I go out. I don't even use the original pitcher anymore. 

AAAAHHHHH!!!!!! There's a head in my Wildside jar!!!!!!!

The Twister jar is much smaller, about half the size of the original. Like any male, I failed to read the directions about the Twister jar and assumed it was for making smaller versions of my typical blends; sort of like a travel pitcher. So, I put my regular lunch blend in there, added water, and pushed the soup/syrup/fondue button, thinking it would mix up my meal like always. What I didn't know--and what I easily could've found out had I read the instructions--was that the Twister jar is more for making blends with a heavier consistency. This includes things like dips, or thick shakes, or pizza dough. The blade in the Twister is looser than the blades in the original or Wildside jars. This enables it to spin at a faster rate than it would normally, so it can cut through thicker blends. So, when it's confronted with a "normal" blend like my typical lunch, the blades have such a high RPM that they quickly overheat. And this is what happened to me. The Blendtec's typical loud roar became a high pitched whine and after about 10 seconds it shut itself off. Being the idiot I am, I tried it a couple more times with the same result. And that's when I finally looked at the directions and this handy booklet of recipes:

Couldn't come up with a witty caption for this picture. It's a recipe booklet, ok?

The other day, I decided to put the Twister jar to the test with Blendtec's almond butter recipe. I frequently eat almond butter in my blends, but it is ridiculously expensive at the store. However, you can buy large bags of raw almonds at Costco for pretty cheap. So, ideally, I can fill my own mason jars or tupperware with homemade almond butter and never have to pay for the stuff again.

Where's the gram of sugar come from? Do almonds naturally have sugar?

For this project, I enlisted the assistance of my daughter, Grace. She usually likes to "help" me when I cook. I put "help" in quotes because she's six and I love my daughter more than anything but she's pretty useless in the kitchen. Grace "helps" me by giving me the opportunity to clean the kitchen because 

"Daddy, I'll crack that egg....oops...sorry Daddy..."

"Let me stir, Daddy!  Whoops...sorry Daddy..."

"I want to pour the milk, Daddy!!  Uh oh...sorry Daddy..."

So then I say, "Betsy, I can only use one arm, so can you clean this??"

Anyway, here she is, along with the recipe, the ingredients for the almond butter (1.5 cups of almonds), my three pitchers (Twister jar is on the left), and the blender base:

There's a white hairy monster in this picture!!!!

This is an operation that takes two hands. One hand needs to change the blender speed to seven then stop the blender after 40 seconds. The other hand continuously turns the Twister lid in order to make sure every almond is thoroughly creamed. So, I had my trusty assistant speed up the blender to seven while I held the lid. 

Unfortunately, Grace got no higher than two because I wasn't holding the lid down tight enough and almond dust sprayed everywhere. My highly dependable helper screamed in terror and ran out of the room, leaving me holding the lid, looking around, wondering if maybe the dog could increase the speed or turn the bloody thing off for me (excuse the language; I've been watching a lot of British television). Finally, after 2 minutes of trying unsuccessfully to raise the speed with my nose and faithfully rotating the Twister lid at a whopping speed of 2 while my cowardly child peered anxiously around the corner, the blender overheated and shut itself off. 

The picture doesn't show the chaos happening in the kitchen right now

Since I was using raw almonds, rather than dry roasted, I needed to run the blender at Speed 7 "until smooth and creamy." So, I dragged Grace back in the room and our second attempt at getting up to 7 went much more smoothly. Altogether, we probably ran the blender about 4 minutes before I felt like the almond butter was the right consistency. 

The chaos in the kitchen is similar to what's happening in the Twister jar

I do need to specify that I did not try tasting this almond butter because I can't eat, but it looked similar enough to the stuff I buy at the store. Grace has an allergy to tree nuts (or maybe she really doesn't like them; we haven't had her tested), so she didn't try it either. If you have a Blendtec and Twister jar, you'll have to try this sometime and let me know how it is!

Can you tell she's been getting rich from the tooth fairy?

Thanks again for the equipment, Blendtec!!