The Blog of the Traveling Tubie: Red Lobster

My wife is a work of art. Smooth, alabaster skin, dainty nose, moist lips kissed by a rose, hair of golden silk, hazel eyes like a misty forest after a storm. Unmarred by age, she is just as beautiful today as the day I married her. A model. A diva. A goddess.

But something happens to my sweet angel when she eats crab legs.

Something...unusual. Something...terrifying.

Here we are a few days ago out at one of her favorite places to eat in Knoxville, Red Lobster:

Grace just came for the biscuits

Seems innocent enough, right? Everybody out for a good time? Why don't you look a little more closely at Betsy's face.

OH. MY. GOD!!!!!!

Yes, my wife turns into a hideous monster around crab legs! Woe to any man, woman, or child who gets between her and her pound(s) of crab meat. The waiters already know what she's come for, drawing straws to decide who will be unlucky enough to bring her offering. "Can we get you anything else, Ma'am?" "JUST BRING ME THE LEGS!!!!!! RRRRAAAAAWWWRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!" With the piercing cry of a velociraptor she tears into the plate timidly presented by the waitress.

Yes. My wife is a velociraptor.

The shells are pathetically inadequate against her powerful claws. Terrified, Grace pathetically sobs in the corner. I warn other diners to run while they still can. Over the ripping, rending sound of her fangs sinking into crab flesh I hear panicked screams from those caught in her fiery glare.

This is WITH red-eye-reduction

By the end of the meal, we have the place to ourselves. I sit uneasily across from the terrifying beast who once was my wife. A mangled pile of crab shells lies in front of her. Her hands and arms look as though she has bathed in butter sauce.

"She's more machine now than woman"

A frightened waitress warily presents our bill before scampering back to the kitchen with a whimper. Looks like another Red Lobster we won't be welcome back to.

These photos were not doctored in any way.

I guess what I'm getting at here is Betsy LOVES crab legs. She consumes them with the type of lazer-like focus that I would reserve for reading fantasy novels, tuning out any distractions.

Husband choking? "Not now, I'm eating."

A table-side visit from the President? "Can't talk right now! You see what I'm doing here?!?"

Daughter getting kidnapped? "Donph bofvfer meph. Thesph cramph lergs arph so goonmph."

She actually didn't start eating crab legs until we started dating in Florida, but ever sense then Betsy can't get enough.

As usual, Red Lobster's managers and wait staff were very understanding and had no problem putting my meal in the Blendtec and bringing it out to me in the pitcher. The manager this time was Rachel and our server was Keona. They were both extremely nice and gave us excellent service.

Unfortunately, the restaurant doesn't have a gluten-free menu. Instead, they have a printout of their allergen menu (you can see it at: http://www.redlobster.com/health/allergy/pdf/RL_Allergen_Menu.pdf) This menu lists every item on their menu and which allergens it contains (nut, soy, dairy, wheat, etc.). It is nice that they provide this much, although it takes a bit to find the entrees and decipher which ones might contain gluten. Maybe I'm being too demanding? I don't know; I guess if you want to eat gluten-free at Red Lobster, it would be a good idea to check out the allergens beforehand to plan out your meal.

I got the stuffed flounder with brocolli on the side. Wish I could've had a couple of those buttery biscuits they serve because they are sooo good!