Guilty Pleasures

Betsy and I love to watch cooking competition shows. Before I stopped getting cable we used to watch every season of Top Chef. We were constantly amazed by the intricate dishes the chefs could create. I've learned so many different dishes and ways to cook dishes that I never would have otherwise.

If you're contemplating entering one of these competitions, I recommend learning how to cook risotto and scallops. I think every other dish on any show I've watched is scallops. Confession: I've never had a scallop in my life. Nor have I had risotto. I think I could do a lengthy post just ranking the shows from worst to best (Food Network Star, Hell's Kitchen, Top Chef Masters, Top Chef, The Taste, in that order). Instead, I just want to talk about guilty pleasures.

"Hell's Kitchen: Watch chefs on a smoke break or get screamed at by this guy!"

Every cooking competition has an episode devoted to cooking guilty pleasures. Oh, how I miss them sometimes. You know guilty pleasures? Those things we secretly love to binge on? The vast majority of guilty pleasure dishes cooked during those episodes seems to be foie gras and/or caviar. Do you know what foie gras is, or am I the only ignorant moron who thought it was the French way of saying "frog legs?" 

Foie Gras?

Just me? 

Ok, I was kidding earlier. Any idiot knows what foie gras is. I had foie gras at least once a week growing up; sometimes for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I wrote the book on foie gras. Then I force-fed the book to geese and consumed their livers, thereby eating the book in foie gras form. Seriously, did you know foie gras is fatty goose liver from geese that have been force-fed? Is that why it's a guilty pleasure?

"Oh, this liver is SO good!! I've almost forgotten the hell-on-earth the goose was subjected to before it was slaughtered!!"

Actually I guess you could call many meat dishes here in the U.S. guilty pleasures, given the way livestock is treated in this country. I'm not a vegetarian, but watch any video or documentary of the meat and dairy industry and you definitely feel some guilt about that steak you had last night for dinner.

But anyway, I didn't want this post to be a diatribe against food production in America or my critique on reality cooking shows. I actually want to talk about my own guilty pleasures. My problem is that I love whatever it is too much and I end up eating or drinking so much of it that I get sick to the point where I can't have it ever again. I guess I've had a few different guilty pleasures over the years that now make me nauseous. 

When I went through basic training, my father sent me a box full of brownies every week. Not brownies one week, then cookies, then trail mix, then cake. No variety. Just brownies. Like anyone else, I loved brownies. I was also very mindful of the obesity epidemic here in America and I didn't want my comrades eating anything unhealthy. So, I "took one for the team" and consumed all the brownies myself (my roommate may have gotten a few out of me). Yep, I ate the whole batch of brownies that week. Then the next week. Then the following week. Then ("Is he really STILL sending me brownies??") the week after that. By this point, I couldn't look at another brownie. I'm probably the only guy in basic training who came to dread getting care packages. I finally had to break it to my dad, "Look, I know you mean well, and brownies are apparently the only thing you know how to make, but could you please stop??" To this day, brownies make me a little sick to my stomach.

Sure they look good now, but how about after you've eaten a million of them?

Another guilty pleasure I've ruined is gin and tonic. I had a friend at the Academy who used to order a gin and tonic whenever we went out to bars. "Whoa," I thought, "This guy is so sophisticated!!" No Jaegermeister shots, Jack & Coke, or screwdrivers like the rest of us unpolished slobs. He gets gin and tonic!! How classy is that?? Gin and tonic became my drink of choice. I got to where I could distinguish between Tanqueray (classy) and Beefeater (what the peasants drink) gin. I used to buy fresh limes and have a slice with one or two glasses every night after I graduated. Then, apparently, my body had enough gin and tonic and I got nauseous every time I had a glass; even a few sips of a glass. Sadly, my days of looking like a distinguished Englishman were over and I was back to 40's of Nattie Light like a common oaf.

Only the finest for me. My dog drinks Beefeaters.

More recently, my guilty pleasure has been coffee. Specifically, Starbucks coffee. I have acid reflux, so I've never been able to overdo coffee. Way too much acidity in my stomach. But two or three times a week, my treat to myself has been to ride my trike less than a mile to Starbucks where I order a "Tall" coffee (why the hell can't Starbucks just do "small," "medium," and "large" like everybody else?? Now I sound like a chauvinist pig every time I order a "Tall Blonde"). 

Selfie at the closest Starbucks in Knoxville

Then, even better, Betsy' friend's husband works for the company that makes the Keurig and he got us a great deal on one. Our Keurig is now my favorite thing in the whole house. Now, I can stick a K-cup into the Keurig and a few seconds later I've got a perfect portion of my Starbucks Blonde Roast coffee.

The greatest invention since cheesecake

Then, disaster. A few weeks ago, I got really nauseous with severe abdominal pain the day I had one of my cups of coffee. Right away, my GI put me on Carafate (I'm already taking Prevacid) and, even worse, all consumption of coffee ceased while I tried to figure out what was wrong. I thought it was another ulcer. I had one a couple years ago and it felt similar to this, but after putting a scope in my stomach and looking around, my GI saw no evidence of any ulcers. An ultrasound of my liver came out fine; a test of my gall bladder was normal. I still have no idea what the problem is. All I know is that drinking coffee makes it worse.

I broke down and got some Folgers Simply Smooth coffee for sensitive stomachs a couple days ago. I told Betsy about it, and she just laughed at me. How have I sunk so low in life, to be reduced to drinking Folgers?? I was on my way to being a gourmet aficionado with my Starbucks roasts. Now it's like I'm living in the 1950s. My Simply Smooth Folgers smells like used Starbucks coffee left in the sun for two weeks. 

Oh, The Humanity!!

Am I being a little whiny and petulant because I can't drink the coffee I want? Maybe. I'll admit, I have a lot to be thankful for. When I focus so much on the things I can't do, I tend to lose sight of the things I can. But, can't I have one guilty pleasure?? I used to really like the Bonzai Burgers at Red Robin. Then radiation treatment made it hard to open my mouth very far and I had to give those up. They're hard enough to eat when you can fully open your jaw. Every time I visited a mall, I used to get cookies from The Cookie Factory. Aren't their cookies soft, gooey, and awesome? Now, I can't eat gluten anymore so those are out. No more brownies or gin & tonics. I can't even taste that stuff anymore. Hell, I can't taste coffee for that matter. So, why can't I enjoy a nice cup of coffee in my tube twice a week? It's not like my guilty pleasure is smoking, or gambling, or doing hard drugs. I've never done that stuff; I'm a pretty straight-laced dude.

So, as a continuation of my series on things I want right now, I'd really like to sit down in a coffee shop with a good book and enjoy a cup of coffee. No sugar. Lots of cream. Is that too much to ask?

I'll have mine with a bowl of applesauce