Things I Want Right Now: Popcorn Edition

I haven't done this in a while. Eric O'Gorman used to do a thing on his EntropyandLight blog called "Things I want right now" where he would wax nostalgic about a food he missed tasting, like a peanut butter sandwich. Using my creative genius, I unashamedly stole the name of his post so I could reminisce on the days of stuffing my face. Specifically, I would really like to be eating this particular food at the moment:

Preferred methods of dying: lightning bolt, bear mauling, randomly crushed by falling anvil, drowning in popcorn

I LOVE popcorn. Love it. Love it. Love it. The best part about going to the movies is the previews at the beginning and the popcorn.

Cats like popcorn too, apparently

I heartily enjoy buying a large popcorn and munching on it until I'm sick to my stomach (usually happens by the third preview). Just writing this post and looking up popcorn images online is making me crazy!

I don't know if he's a slob or a genius...

Don't give me that kettle corn crap. Popcorn does not need sugar people! What sort of lunatic took the perfection of popcorn and decided to add sugar????? It's like saying, "Ooooh, peanut butter and chocolate make a delicious combination, but how about if I add a can of tuna fish?" Yes, it's EXACTLY like that!!!

All I need on my popcorn is salt, butter, and--if we're making it at home--parmesan cheese. What's that? You've never put parmesan cheese on your popcorn? Since I can't stop thinking about eating popcorn, let me give you a detailed description.

First, you need an air popcorn popper.

Ours looks like this. Orville Redenbacher is my soulmate.

In a small saucepan, add the desired amount of butter and melt over a burner on a low setting.

Liquid gold

While the butter is melting, dump a cup of popcorn kernels into your machine and plug that sucker in! Be sure to place a bowl under the popcorn chute. Or, if you want to live dangerously, see what happens if you aim it over your kitchen floor. 

I chose to be a sissy and use a bowl (Betsy made me do it)

HERE'S THE MOST IMPORTANT PART!! Once the butter is melted, add about 1/4 of a cup of parmesan cheese and stir until dissolved. YES, PARMESAN CHEESE!! PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT I DON'T USE 'ALL CAPS' LIGHTLY!!!

Liquid gold with flecks of sunshine? The 'Liquid gold' metaphor isn't holding up.

If you've never tried popcorn this way, go make some right now! The parmesan/butter combination makes it irresistible. Pour your insanely delicious butter mixture over your popcorn, then add salt and mix it up to ensure that every kernel is fully coated with delicious cow fat. 

Butter will also settle on the bottom so you can scrape it up with the last kernels (I heard this is healthy!)

Now, it's all ready for you to enjoy. Please eat it right in front of me, or make a video of you devouring it and send it to me, so I can grind my teeth while imagining those crunchy bits of cheesy, buttery flavor dissolving in my mouth.

Just rub it in my face, you adorable little monster

Syringe Holder

I've been complimented a few times on my syringe holder. I could not live without it. Seriously. It is, without a doubt, the most important tool I use for tube feeding. Why? Because tube feeding is a two-handed operation. One hand needs to hold the tube steady while the other pours in the blend and pushes it in with the plunger. My left hand isn't up to the task so I need the holder to act in its stead. It wasn't my idea though.

Back in 2009, I was part of a yahoo group for tube feeding using blended diets. One of the tubie moms in that group (Maria Cho, if you're out there, I'm talking about you) posted a picture of a syringe holder and said it came in handy for feeding their son. She asked if anyone was interested in it because her husband was willing to make more.

At the time, I'd been unable to swallow for about 8 months and unable to move my left arm a couple years so I was still getting used to my new limitations. I was either trying to precariously balance my tube against the edge of tables while gravity feeding or relying on Betsy for bolus feeding. It was extremely frustrating for Betsy and I. Honestly, I don't know how moms are able to feed squirming kids blended meals. We made enough messes with me holding perfectly still while following Betsy's commands. It was very difficult for Betsy and I to adjust to me being dependent for such basic activities.

I just finished the book Laughing at My Nightmare by Shane Burcaw. Shane has been in a wheelchair since the age of 3 and has been dependent on others for just about every aspect of his life (you should read it if you get the chance; he has a great sense of humor; order it off his website). So I know I'm whining when I describe how depressed I was to need Betsy whenever I wanted to eat. I have a hard time asking for help, and I was reluctant to tell Betsy when I got hungry or when I needed to take my medicine. I was actually losing weight because formula made me nauseous and I hated sitting at the table waiting for Betsy to feed me.  The thought that I could use a syringe holder and not need to rely on Betsy--whose hands were already full taking care of our two-year old--was a revelation. I immediately responded to Maria's post and said I was very interested in getting a syringe holder.

Within a few weeks, her husband shipped one to me from their home in Seattle. That syringe holder, no kidding, changed my life. For the first time in months, I could sit at a table and feed myself. Not only did Maria's family send me that holder at no cost, they also sent me replacements regularly for the next couple years because the plastic clamp only lasts about a year and I was too dumb to figure out how to make my own syringe holder.

But now I know and it couldn't be easier.

Let me walk you through it.

You start with a cheap clip lamp. You can buy them at most hardware stores. I got the one pictured at Lowes:

I used to get plastic clip lamps, but I'm hoping this one lasts longer

Next, you cut off the cord because what sort of syringe holder needs a cord?

Fun project: use the cut cord as a noose for your daughter's Monster High dolls!

After this, you'll need to remove the head of the lamp. This is actually pretty easy. There is a nut holding the head on that you can remove with a pair of pliers:

I have a whole graphics team to label these photos

Now comes the tricky part. Well...it's not tricky for me, but you might have a hard time finding these pieces. Maria's husband used the bolt that held the lamp head in place to attach a metal plate and hook. It's pretty simple really; I just use that same metal plate and hook every time I need a new syringe holder. The tricky part is, I couldn't find those parts at Lowes or Home Depot, so if the plate and/or hook ever break down I'll have to figure something else out. Also, if you want to recreate this engineering masterpiece, you may need to find something else to bolt on there.

Behold: the aforementioned "metal plate and hook"

Admittedly, I didn't look very hard at the hardware store for those parts. They're not too complex so it seems like something Lowes would carry. If you're able to track them down please let me know in the comments.

A little grimy after 5+ years, but still works!

Yes, I did try to get in touch with Maria Cho and her husband to ask them for details about their syringe holder. I haven't heard back. I lost touch with them a few years ago. I remember their child was weaning off the feeding tube in 2010, so I'm sure they aren't even part of the blended diet community anymore. But, on the off chance you know them please extend my gratitude for sending me this tool!

If you don't want to get your hands dirty, there are syringe holders you can purchase online. They're called Jofas clamps:

Behold: The Jofas Clamp

You can order one at their website: www.jofas.net. I have one of these also. The thing I like is that the clamp can handle thicker tables than my homemade syringe holder. I've started to be extremely conscious of table thickness wherever I go. Like The Rainforest Cafe at the Mall of America has tables so thick, even my Jofas Clamp couldn't fit on it, so I had to clamp Jofas to the back of my chair and snake the arm around in front of me. That's another nice thing about the Jofas Clamp. As you can see in the picture, it has a long, flexible arm. This allows me to better adapt to situations where I need to clamp in at more of a distance from my feeding tube.

The downside to the Jofas Clamp is that the flexible arm is not as strong as my homemade syringe holder's arm. When I pour thick blends into my tube, it descends with the weight of the blend. I bought the clamp 5 years ago and I've been assured by the company that they've made improvements and the arm is stronger now. If that's the case then you can't go wrong getting a Jofas Clamp.

I kinda like having both clamps because my homemade one is easier to attach to the table (you screw the Jofas until it's firmly clamped on) and I'm normally not in a situation where I need a long arm on my syringe holder. At the same time, for situations where I need a long arm or for thicker tables, it's nice to have a Jofas Clamp. Hopefully, this post was informative--unlike my other posts, which are pointless drivel. If you have another idea for syringe holders or if you're Maria Cho or her husband, please let me know in the comments!

UPDATE!!! A tubie mom on Facebook recommends "Bendy Armz." Check it out on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Bendy-Armz-Attachment-Stroller-Bottle/dp/B00P6WZ7QY/ref=sr_1_1?s=baby-products&ie=UTF8&qid=1426177178&sr=1-1&keywords=bendy+arms. The mom says that they are "the perfect size for 60 ml syringes."

Behold: the Bendy Arm

They look great to me! I'm not sure if it would work for me personally because it seems like it would take two hands to clip the syringe onto the arm. With my holder or the Jofas Clamp, I only have to drop the syringe in place. But this looks like a very handy device for tubie parents!!

UPDATE NUMBER 2!!!!!! Jesse Jones recommended the Jackson PEG Stand, so I ended up getting one and wrote a short review here: http://travelingtubie.blogspot.com/2015/12/syringe-holder-update.html. 

Grace's Favorite Meal

It's amazing how much longer it takes me to do simple tasks since I lost the use of my left arm. Typing, getting dressed, taking showers, but nowhere is it more evident to me than when I'm cooking. I think I've mentioned before that I do most of the cooking when it comes to dinner. I've learned that meal preparation takes me twice as long as it should normally. Simple tasks that I wouldn't think twice about now suck up a lot of my prep time (skinning carrots and potatoes!!). Also, there are many cooking tools out there that are meant to be operated with two hands. Can openers, pepper grinders, cheese graters, egg beaters with a hand crank, just try doing all your cooking one-handed tonight and you'll see what I mean. Unless you're eating a microwave meal, you lazy, unhealthy piece of crap.

So, I cooked Grace's favorite meal the other night, which also happens to be the most labor intensive for me. Like any kid, Grace has her list of favorites. Favorite color, favorite food, favorite toy, favorite place, favorite sport, favorite game, favorite parent (me, obviously), the list goes on. So, it should come as no surprise that Grace has favorite dinners: spaghetti and Chinese omelet parcels. Those omelet things come from a kids' cookbook she got a few years ago. You can see what the end product is supposed to look like in the picture below:

Grace is supposed to be able to do this herself, yet she always gets out of it

The most difficult part is food prep on all the produce. I have to start fairly early in the day so I can work on it at my own pace. The first ingredient is bok choy:

This is bok choy.

I don't recall ever eating bok choy as a kid--thank you for contributing to my bok choy ignorance, mom. So, I honestly had to be directed to it at the grocery store and look up how to cut it online (thanks youtube 'How To' videos!). After a considerable amount of time--or maybe it just seemed like it--here is the prepped bok choy:

The leaves are edible too

Next, I needed a zucchini. This is a veggie I'm familiar with:

They look like this, right?

It needed to be cut into narrow, 1-2 inch strips like so:

Wait, what's that empty bowl at the top of the picture for??

After this, the recipe called for scallions, which I've learned (after making a fool out of myself at the store) is another name for green onions:

The blue band is NOT edible

After some quality time chopping those up, I've got a respectable amount:

Oh, that's what the bowl is for.

The recipe also calls for black bean sauce. I have an easy way to make this. Empty a can of black beans in the Vitamix, run the blender, and voilà - black bean sauce:

At least I think that's black bean sauce

Now, the cooking begins! Fry up the aforementioned vegetables (only use a few tablespoons of the black bean sauce) in peanut oil with garlic, cilantro, and bean sprouts:

What did you have for dinner, you fat slob??

Then, in a smaller omelet pan, fry up individual eggs to wrap the vegetables in:

Nine out of ten of these have huge holes or got too browned when I cooked them

Finally, it's time to wrap the vegetable medley in your egg. I tell myself this would look a whole lot better if I could do it with two hands

Look back up at the first picture and try to tell me I didn't nail it!

My most important audience doesn't give a crap whether my Chinese omelet parcels match the photo and requests it constantly, especially on days I really don't feel like cooking, so I call it a success!

Put enough soy sauce on it and it doesn't matter what it looks like!