Things I Want Right Now: Popcorn Edition

I haven't done this in a while. Eric O'Gorman used to do a thing on his EntropyandLight blog called "Things I want right now" where he would wax nostalgic about a food he missed tasting, like a peanut butter sandwich. Using my creative genius, I unashamedly stole the name of his post so I could reminisce on the days of stuffing my face. Specifically, I would really like to be eating this particular food at the moment:

Preferred methods of dying: lightning bolt, bear mauling, randomly crushed by falling anvil, drowning in popcorn

I LOVE popcorn. Love it. Love it. Love it. The best part about going to the movies is the previews at the beginning and the popcorn.

Cats like popcorn too, apparently

I heartily enjoy buying a large popcorn and munching on it until I'm sick to my stomach (usually happens by the third preview). Just writing this post and looking up popcorn images online is making me crazy!

I don't know if he's a slob or a genius...

Don't give me that kettle corn crap. Popcorn does not need sugar people! What sort of lunatic took the perfection of popcorn and decided to add sugar????? It's like saying, "Ooooh, peanut butter and chocolate make a delicious combination, but how about if I add a can of tuna fish?" Yes, it's EXACTLY like that!!!

All I need on my popcorn is salt, butter, and--if we're making it at home--parmesan cheese. What's that? You've never put parmesan cheese on your popcorn? Since I can't stop thinking about eating popcorn, let me give you a detailed description.

First, you need an air popcorn popper.

Ours looks like this. Orville Redenbacher is my soulmate.

In a small saucepan, add the desired amount of butter and melt over a burner on a low setting.

Liquid gold

While the butter is melting, dump a cup of popcorn kernels into your machine and plug that sucker in! Be sure to place a bowl under the popcorn chute. Or, if you want to live dangerously, see what happens if you aim it over your kitchen floor. 

I chose to be a sissy and use a bowl (Betsy made me do it)

HERE'S THE MOST IMPORTANT PART!! Once the butter is melted, add about 1/4 of a cup of parmesan cheese and stir until dissolved. YES, PARMESAN CHEESE!! PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT I DON'T USE 'ALL CAPS' LIGHTLY!!!

Liquid gold with flecks of sunshine? The 'Liquid gold' metaphor isn't holding up.

If you've never tried popcorn this way, go make some right now! The parmesan/butter combination makes it irresistible. Pour your insanely delicious butter mixture over your popcorn, then add salt and mix it up to ensure that every kernel is fully coated with delicious cow fat. 

Butter will also settle on the bottom so you can scrape it up with the last kernels (I heard this is healthy!)

Now, it's all ready for you to enjoy. Please eat it right in front of me, or make a video of you devouring it and send it to me, so I can grind my teeth while imagining those crunchy bits of cheesy, buttery flavor dissolving in my mouth.

Just rub it in my face, you adorable little monster

Buy a Vitamix, Save the World

Perhaps you've noticed the lovely ad depicted on the right hand side of my blog.

RIGHT HERE!!!!!!

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RIGHT HERE!!!!!!

It turns out that I do a little work for the Oral Cancer Foundation (OCF). Specifically, I'm helping them write their section on nutrition and feeding systems. If you have some time to kill and you're really interested in learning more about these topics, check it out (click here). Please give me feedback if you have any (some sections aren't finished yet). I really want to make sure oral cancer patients and survivors are able to make informed decisions about their nutrition. I know I technically had lymphoma, not oral cancer, but there are many people, like me, who have lost the ability to swallow due to the ravages of cancer or the aftereffects of treatment. Far too often, they're given a feeding tube with very little information about how to maintain it and what to put in it. Hopefully, they'll find their way to the OCF website and feel empowered enough to ask the right questions and make the right decisions about their nutritional care.

OCF recognizes that a balanced diet of real, blended food is far better for tubefeeders' health than canned formula. For this reason, they formed a partnership with Vitamix. Now, if you order a new Vitamix blender on the OCF website (OralCancerFoundation.org), Vitamix will donate 15% of the sale to the foundation PLUS you'll get free shipping.

I couldn't say any word of praise about the Vitamix that hasn't already been said everywhere else. Go back to the kitchen of your favorite restaurant and ask them what kind of blender they use. Chances are, it's a Vitamix. You know this is a blender for tubies if it can put up with years of use and abuse in a restaurant kitchen. Do you watch any cooking reality shows on TV? Top Chef? Master Chef? Iron Chef? The Taste? Hell's Kitchen? Food Network Star? Did you notice what brand of blender the contestants use (HINT: it's a Vitamix)? The industry recognizes that there is no better blender out there. The Vitamix will chop, pulverize and liquify ANYTHING you put in there.

It's how I got rid of the bodies of the people I killed

The blades of the Vitamix spin at 28,000 revolutions per minute. The tips are trucking along at over 240 miles per hour (don't stick your finger down there). At this speed, it doesn't just blend your food--it actually cooks the food as it's blending. You could make yourself a hot bowl of potato soup from raw ingredients. On cold days, I can heat up the blend for my feeding tube by letting it blend on high for a couple extra minutes. Don't take my word for the awesomeness of the Vitamix, check out Eric O'Gorman's entertaining blog post about it: Beige and the Attack of the 28000rpm Dentures.

To summarize go to your kitchen right now and grab that old Black & Decker / Hamilton Beach / Kitchen Aid piece of crap that you got 15 years ago that time you thought you'd make margaritas every night. Take it straight out to the trash can because it's not good enough to be donated to the poor. Then click that link over on the right side of this blog and treat yourself to a machine that does it all. You'll get free shipping and help the fight against oral cancer at the same time.