I want to live in Sweden

Yep, I'm ready to move to Sweden. I've been told that the weather is not always perfect, like it was when we were there. Also, daylight doesn't always last for 18 hours at that latitude. Plus, mosquitoes might form dark, apocalyptic clouds away from the coast of Sweden--like we see in Minnesota and large swaths of Alaska. But I'm undaunted. Sweden is the place for me. I'm a Swede. Change my name to Björn Liebensson. We had such a magical week there that I struggle to put it into words. So, let me flounder along chronologically.

We did make a stop in New York on our way to Europe because we wanted to break up the trip and see the Statue of Liberty. For the past few months, I've had some issues with needing to vent my tube three or four times a day. Venting is something that a lot of small children with tubes have to do. It's a way of eliminating bloating in the stomach by lying back, opening the tube and just letting the pent up air escape. In the 10 years I've had a tube, I've never had to do this, and we still can't figure out why things are different now. It made my trip extremely awkward at times, like when I had to lie down in the grass at the base of the Statue of Liberty so I could vent:

Isn't there a joke here about the huddled masses in my stomach yearning to breathe free?

Definitely got a lot of stares from people looking at the guy with the volcano spurting out of his belly, but I certainly wasn't the freakiest looking thing in Manhattan. Have you walked around Times Square?

We have reached peak photobomb

We stayed in the garment district in Manhattan at the Kimpton Hotel on the advice of a friend (Thanks Cat!). Betsy and Grace are huge fans of the fashion show Project Runway, so we went to Mood to look at every type of fabric you could imagine and meet their most famous employee, Swatch.

We got to touch him!!!!

While the girls shopped, I watched England play Croatia on their TV with a bunch of other dudes. Julio ruined the game for all of us when he said Croatia was going to score in overtime minutes before it happened on TV because he was getting live results on his phone while the TV broadcast had a delay. So, what could be more 'New York' than hearing a bunch of people of all races and sexual orientations yell, "Fuck You, Julio!!" then riding an elevator down to 37th street with Swatch so he could go potty?

Way cooler to get your picture with this girl than the bull in front of her

After our brief stop in New York, it was time to Uber to Newark Airport so we could catch an 11:30 PM flight to Copenhagen.

Betsy was asleep already

Real Food Blends were a huge source of food for me throughout my time away from home. I packed some along in my suitcase and shipped more to our host family. I ended up having too many meals, but I'd much rather have too many than too few. On the plane, I preferred to eat salmon meals because those have the smoothest consistency.

Happy times before we got salmon on Betsy's shirt

Of course, part of being a tubie is that accidents always happen, usually at the worst possible time.

Steady...Steady....

In this case, I left the valve that opens my tube in the 'closed' position and the very aromatic Salmon, Oats, and Squash meal spurted out onto Betsy's shirt. This was early into an 8-hour flight, so Betsy had to suffer with a smelly, damp shirt in a cramped seat next to her smelly husband and her daughter's smelly feet. This is the price all caregivers must make. I wanted to take another picture to capture this tragedy, but wisely deduced that this would lead to Betsy dumping the rest of my meal over my head.

So, yeah, salmon meals are the easiest to eat, just don't make any spills.

After the hurried chaos of New York, Copenhagen was this neat, orderly city where everyone was biking, or out on the water, or just hanging out with some beers at a park (it's ridiculously expensive to drink in restaurants so people usually go to the liquor store and drink outside). We met up with another family from our team and watched the sunset from a canal right outside our hotel.

Everybody confuses Grace with Nathalie during games, even their parents

The next day was a whole lot of walking. One of the first things we did was climb the tower at the Church of our Savior, which was completed in 1752.

Definitely wasn't thinking about '1752' when I was climbing

400 steps to the top, with the last 150 outside. Stunning views of the city; really one of those things you have to see if you visit the city. Just not if you're especially afraid of heights.

My European Vitamix was waiting for me in Sweden, so I was still eating six Real Food Blends a day. Very convenient to have, but I was jealous of all the good food everyone else got to try. I did manage to drink a local hard cider with my lunch at a large open air dining area outside Nyhavn canal.

That's the good stuff

Of course, no trip to Copenhagen is complete until you've gotten a picture with the Little Mermaid Statue. I guess I'd read and heard so much about how tiny the statue is that when I was confronted with it, I thought she was pretty big.

HUGE!!!

Another opportunity I had to eat something other than Real Food Blends was when I got a smoothie at Coffee Industry Sweden. In the same way southern towns like Knoxville have a church on every corner, Copenhagen seemed to have a coffee shop on every corner. They even had these mobile coffee carts on bikes because the only thing Danish people are crazy about more than coffee is biking. One of the many coffee franchises in Copenhagen--other than Starbucks--was Coffee Industry Sweden, and they blended up a mango smoothie especially for my tube.

Gave me just enough energy to crawl back to the hotel room after our eight mile walk

One of the many reasons I love Europe is that you can hop on a train and travel anywhere. We took a beautiful 3-hour train ride from Copenhagen, across the Öresund (the strait separating Denmark from Sweden), and up the coast to Varberg. 

They're smiling because we filled them up on crepes and Danish pastries

Like I said before, the weather on our trip was absolutely perfect (with the exception of one hellish lightning storm which I will discuss later). Temperatures in the 70s during the day, and cooling off into the mid-50s at night. I think this really painted Sweden in the best possible light for me because temperatures back home in Knoxville were hovering around 150 degrees with 500 percent humidity (only a slight exaggeration). Varberg, Sweden is this picturesque coastal town with zero crime and bike paths connecting everything. While the Swedish people are not noted for their overt friendliness to strangers out in public, local cats made up for this by greeting me wherever I went.

Swedish cats eat nothing but pickled herring

I only included that picture because when we told our coach's wife (who is Swedish) about it, she looked at me like I'm an idiot and said, "We have cats in America." Yes, there are cats in the U.S. but walking outside in this perfectly orderly country in beautiful weather, with birds singing merrily from the trees and animals coming up to nuzzle at my leg, I felt like I was in a Disney movie. Except both my parents are alive so...happier than a Disney movie? I know winters are dark and cold and rain is far more common than sunshine, but cats were greeting me everywhere!

While we were in Sweden, we often found time to ride bikes or take the bus down to the beach to see the sunset. Since that didn't happen until 9:30PM and we usually stayed out much later drinking with our host families and friends we usually stayed up until past midnight.

Wine at sunset on the North Sea!!

Speaking of host families, we definitely had the best one, by far. Since their two girls (Age 7 months and 3 years) both slept in their parents' bed, they let us use the entire second floor of their house!!! They had an awesome French bulldog who loved to snore and fart in Grace's bed at night. Plus we watched a ton of episodes of Paw Patrol and Dora the Explorer in Swedish and Ellen's (the 3 year-old) favorite movie, Frozen, which is way better in Swedish and extremely amusing to see in Finnish, Norwegian, and Danish. Seriously, they really gave us a home away from home and we were so fortunate to have them.

They called Charlie "Little Pig" in Swedish (forgot the words?) because of how much he snorts and farts

I mentioned in a past blog that my sister, who has a stinky butt, shipped her European Vitamix blender to Sweden so I could use it. It was SO helpful to have that blender there!!! Thank you, Ginger!!! Please don't beat me up next month for constantly saying you have a stinky butt!! I didn't need to worry about packing my own blender, or the heavy 3,000Watt converter I would need to use it in the European 220Volt outlets. I could set up in our host family's kitchen and blend my meals every day. The only downside was that our poor host family had to contend with the noisy blender. By the end of our time there, their 7 month-old daughter still hadn't said her first word, but she was making noises mimicking the sound of the Vitamix. So, you're welcome for that. Sara and Andreas, if you'd like, we can record the sound of my blender and send it as a Christmas gift and maybe it will help put the girls to sleep at night.

And now Grace wants a French Bulldog; preferably if he farts and snorts

And Betsy wants a baby; preferably a perfect baby like Agnus

Despite my firm belief that the world revolves around me, this trip was really about Grace and her soccer team in the Gothia Cup. The night we arrived, we got in the soccer spirit by going into town and watching the World Cup final on a big screen with a lot of the locals, including many Croatians who immigrated to Sweden in the 90s because of the Balkan War. They were a bit disappointed because of the final score of the game, but I think they got over it by drinking copious amounts of alcohol.

Here we are during the end of the second half

The next day, the girls took a 20 minute train ride up to their first game. They played a Swedish team who were supposedly the same age, but they were a head taller than our girls, so I think they eat differently in Sweden or something. The game was closer than I thought it would be, but we lost 2-0.

We tried to sneak some of the boys on the team, but it didn't fly

The girls all behaved really well during the trip. It is an experience they will never forget, and I think it brought them all closer together.

Grace and Claire, who competed for the 'Smelliest Feet' prize. It was too close to call.

After the game, we traveled up to Gothenburg for the opening ceremonies of the games. They were incredible. It's like how I imagine it would be to attend the opening ceremonies for the Olympics, but more positive and uplifting. The girls were in their own section in a huge stadium that Sweden built when they hosted the FIFA World Cup in 1958. Local Swedish singers put on an amazing show. Here are some highlights from one of the singers, 17 year-old Hanna Ferm:

Hanna Ferm - Gothia Cup 2018

And this was one of our favorite parts of the ceremony, when a Swedish girl not much older than Grace gave this incredible performance:

Gothia Cup Opening Ceremony 2018 with Saga Ludvigsson

The fireworks at the end, right after the sun set, were stunning:

Gothia Cup 2018 Opening Ceremony Fireworks

It was just a huge, multi-cultural party with 79 countries represented and about 1,700 teams.

Luckily, Grace wasn't sitting with us so she didn't have to see us dance

Right after the ceremony, a huge lightning storm sprang up right overhead. Rain dumped down on us and it was total chaos trying to make our way back to the train station. All the parents were scattered everywhere with thousands of people running every which way speaking dozens of different languages. We were separated from our girls but they all held hands and marched to the train station in perfect orderly fashion while their parents were moaning with terror in the streets, praying to the Norse gods for an end to the madness.

The second day brought another game. This time against a really good team from Stockholm.

Action shot of Grace that was shared on the AYSO United Facebook page

This game was our toughest loss of the tournament. Afterwards, we naturally had to stop at the Swedish liquor store so we could drown our sorrows. The team was forced to wait outside.

"Yay! Mommy and Daddy are alcoholics!"

I think the coolest thing that happened in the tournament was the third game. Grace played against a team from Gothenburg. We were talking to one of the parents and it turned out that she adopted her daughter from China too!!! I think the parents were much more excited about this than the girls, but it was so neat to get a picture of them together after the game.

"Why are you making me stand next to this Swedish girl for a picture??"

We had lots of time before and after the games to go to the beach and do some sightseeing around Varberg. The girls would've spent every moment at the beach if they could.

The water was cold, but not as cold as I thought it would be

We toured a fortress on the water that was first built in the 13th century and upgraded several times during Sweden's never-ending conflicts with Denmark.

According to Wikipedia, the moat of the fortress has a small monster in it. In 2006, two people saw it devouring a duck.

We had an awesome tour guide who kept the girls interested by sharing amazing facts like how the prison cell was packed with 30-50 men. Their feces were only cleaned out once a year so it wasn't uncommon for men to drown in their own shit. Isn't history fun?

Wearing the watch men commonly wore in the 13th century

After traumatizing Grace in a medieval fortress, I think she got her revenge by 'accidentally' dropping a knife on my foot.

The cut looks pretty benign here but I think it was life-threatening

We were in the kitchen cutting avocados and the knife slipped off the counter and impaled the base of my toe. While I screamed in pain and told Grace that she'd just murdered her father, Sara (from our host family) calmly tried to staunch the flow of blood all over her kitchen floor. Unfortunately, we couldn't stop the bleeding so we put a large compress over the cut. This happened right before we were supposed to get on a train for Grace's final soccer game in the tournament. I was extremely disappointed, but it was decided that I should try to stay off my feet for the rest of the day and remain at home.

The worst part is that this game was their best of the tournament. They were tied at the end and had to go to a penalty shootout. After the first 5 penalty kicks, they were still tied and had to shoot five more. The other team ended up winning by one point, and I missed all of it because of a stupid cut on my foot.

While Grace and her team were playing in their exciting final game, Andreas put me and Agnus in this cool electric bike he rented and rode me all around Varberg so I could see the town. Varberg has an excellent bus system, but many people opt to take their intricate network of bike paths to get around town. Andreas told me it took 30 years to build up their maze of bike trails and make Varberg the friendly bike community it is. So, while Knoxville has just a few measly greenways for biking right now, I'm hoping that in 30 years time we will have a system of bike trails to rival Varberg, Sweden.

Andreas was an excellent biker and expertly steered me around town with ease. Then, it was Betsy's turn to try to bike me around Varberg.

You'd think it would be hard to tip over, but you haven't seen Betsy drive

The problem is that the bike has electrical assistance so when you get lost in the maze of bike paths and want to turn around, it's easy to misjudge the speed and turn radius and tip the bike. Or go into a ditch.

Yes, she took the picture while I was still in the bike

We went to one party at a host family's house far outside town. It was really beautiful bike riding out in the country. It was a little more scary biking back with Grace and I crammed in the front seat and Betsy trying to find our way home in the dark. We got turned around several times. Actually, I should admit that I got turned around several times. I kept insisting that Betsy go a different way because I was certain I knew where we were. At one point, she tried to turn the bike around and we tipped over. It didn't hurt me at all because Grace broke my fall. Grace was pretty miserable, and I'm not sure we'll ever get her into one of those bikes again.

There was a fair amount of drinking by the parents during this trip, but the most inebriated I got was when I had to change the bandage on my toe. My left foot is extremely sensitive compared to my right foot because of the radiation damage to my spinal cord, so I don't like anyone messing with it. So, before I'd let anyone go near it, I self-medicated with Swedish schnapps.

I'm smiling to hide the pain

Bottom's up

I'd have Agnus do open-heart surgery before I'd let Betsy anywhere near my foot. I'm pretty certain Betsy would somehow end up amputating the other foot on accident. So, Andreas and Sara replaced my bandage while I sat in a drunken stupor on their back patio.

Andreas was extremely excited to use the first aid skills he learned in the Swedish army

This was such a fantastic trip for me. I did have this stomach issue of needing to vent periodically, and there was the fact that I injured my foot toward the end of the week. But, I had my blender for the wonderful home cooked meals from our host family. And I had plenty of Real Food Blends for all the times we were out and about. The weather was perfect and the Swedish community is wonderful. I am so fortunate we had our Swedish coach and our host family to get us around the area and provide a 'home base' for me to rest and prepare my meals. I think navigating a different country where we have no foreign connections would be much more of a challenge. We'd like to go to China one of these days to visit the town where Grace was born, but I would need to do a lot of research beforehand and at the very least hire a guide to help us out.

Smiles at the Copenhagen airport, even though we were so sad to leave Sweden

Newark airport...welcome to America

After every long trip. I come in the house and give our dog a huge hug, tearfully telling him how much I've missed him. Every time, I hope he will return my affection like Odysseus' dog, Argos, who immediately welcomed his master home after his 20-year struggle to make it back to Ithaca. Unlike faithful Argos, however, my dog usually just stands there looking at me, then walks away to take a nap.

He really doesn't give a shit

So, just for that, I'm trading the fat bastard in for a French Bulldog that farts and snorts like a little pig. What do you think of that, you fat bastard!! Nope, he's not even looking at me. He really doesn't care.

Developments

Good news!! My sister, who has a stinky butt, is shipping her European, 220Volt Vitamix to our host family in Sweden! She won't tell me how much it cost to overnight the blender but said it was my Christmas/Birthday present. So, perhaps her butt is not so stinky...I will have to think on this...

The good thing is, I will not need to bring the 30lb 220volt - 110volt converter with me to Sweden. Plus, I won't need to pack my blender!! Do you realize how much weight this will save us?!?

However, we are not going straight to Sweden on this trip. We are spending a night in New York, then two nights in Copenhagen before we take a train up to Varberg. So, I will need A LOT of Real Food Blends (26 meals, by my calculations) to get me to Sweden. I had meals sent ahead, and those will be my lunches while we're there, but we are spending another night in Copenhagen and one night in New York on the way home. This will require twelve more meals for the return trip. 38 meals total that I need to pack. This is quite a bit of weight, but we can spread the meals out between all our bags. The bags will get lighter as time goes by and leave room for souvenirs.

If any bags get lost, I will need to subsist entirely on alcohol. Pretty sure it can be done.  Also, a lot of restaurants have Vitamixers, so I can always wander around until I find one to blend my food during our days in New York and Copenhagen.

In other news about things you need to know, but secretly don't want to know, I have to carry a heavy suction machine with me on trips. This is to suction the drool and prevent it from collecting in the back of my throat. I also bring multiple dish towels to spit into. Up until now, we have carried the suction machine in this cumbersome bag:

Make your bed!

That bag becomes extremely painful on my shoulder after carrying it through multiple airports.

Ok, let me rephrase that. That bag becomes extremely painful on Betsy's shoulder after carrying it through multiple airports. So, we were looking at luggage and decided to get one of these small roller suitcases for my suction and other carry-ons:

Ever seen a one-armed guitar player? Me neither.

This will make navigating airports a whole lot easier. The only thing is I need to empty the suction container frequently because if it ever spills into that nice bag, it'll become a biohazard.

We leave tomorrow!!! The big dog is bummed we're leaving him, but our neighbors are over here frequently and they take him on better walks, so I think he's secretly happy.

He looks big, but it's mostly fur

BOOO! Sweden's World Cup run is over.

BOOOOOOOOO.

😩😩😩😩😭😭😭😭🇸🇪🇸🇪🇸🇪🇸🇪

SWEDEN!!!

I'm leaving for Sweden in LESS THAN ONE WEEK!!!

Ok, it's been a while since I wrote a post, so let me get you up to speed.

I'm still alive (obviously). I'm getting better at my prosthetic arm. In fact I took it fishing just a few weeks ago, but the first fish I caught jerked my fishing pole out of my prosthetic and swam off with it. So, now there is a fish swimming around this lake in Georgia with a $20 fishing pole trailing behind it. Oh man, that reminds me of the most hilarious thing that happened--

AH THERE'S NO TIME FOR THIS!! I'M LEAVING FOR SWEDEN IN LESS THAN ONE WEEK!!!!

"Why Sweden?" you ask. Our daughter, who is now 11 and has stinky feet, plays soccer. Or, if you're reading the blog outside the U.S., (hello, Russian bots), she plays a sport called, "WHO CARES WHAT YOU CALL  IT! IT'S SOCCER OK?? SOCCER!!!

You think they'll allow my vuvuzela at the games?

Anyway, her coach is Swedish and he and his wife are originally from a lovely town on the southwest coast (Varberg). He entered our team into an international soccer tournament called the Gothia Cup, which takes place in Gothenburg. Gothenburg is right up the road from Varberg. This is fantastic because he has set the family of each team member up with a host family in Varberg and we only have a short train ride to get to each game. So, I don't need to worry about blending my meals in a cramped Swedish hotel room. Instead, I have access to the lovely kitchen of our poor, unsuspecting host family, who have no idea, a) how loud a Vitamixer on high can get, and b) how stinky my daughter's feet are. They are like, next level smelly. After a soccer game, you do not want to be in the same living space as those feet.

So, I'm packing for Sweden and I have some concerns. Well...one rather heavy concern. If you're an avid reader of my blog, then you've been extremely bored for the past couple years because I've written NOTHING. You also may recall that I took a trip to Germany in late 2015. I also did it in 2009, I think? So I have some experience traveling in Europe with a feeding tube. There are some slight differences this time though. My sister, who has a stinky butt, lives in Germany with her family and my mom, who is much cooler than your mom. She also has her own Vitamixer, which plugs into European 220 Volt outlets. Having family close by was my security blanket for foreign travel. But unfortunately, my stinky-butt sister and cool mom will not be able to meet us in Sweden during our time there. So, I have to take my own Vitamix and I also need a transformer to convert the electricity to the blender from Europe's 220 Volts to 110 Volts. Not just any transformer either. My Vitamix can get up over 1,300 Watts, so I need at least a 1,500 Watt transformer--ideally 3,000 Watt--to handle the awesome power of the blender's whirling blades. So, I went ahead and ordered this transformer:

Not Actual Size

That transformer doesn't look too big right? We even misread the page on Amazon and thought it was only 12 pounds. The reality is, that sucker is filled with lead and weighs about 30 pounds. How are we supposed to pack it, along with the many outfits I will need, the single outfit I'll allow Betsy to bring, and extra socks for my stinky-feet daughter??

Also, what if this thing doesn't work? How can I test a transformer that only plugs into 220 Volt outlets in the U.S.? It might overload the electrical system of our poor host family's house. It might not work, so I'll be stuck buying a transformer in Sweden, which is twice as expensive. Or if I have no transformer and thus no Vitamix, I could go on a starvation diet with the Real Food Blends I'm bringing. We did have the foresight to ship a couple boxes of Real Food Blends to our poor, unsuspecting host family. But I will still only have enough Real Food Blends for one meal a day, sometimes two. I really need blended meals with the Vitamix to supplement the RFBs. I also really want to try this fermented sea herring called Surströmming that I've heard so much about.

MMMMMMMMM!! Tasty, right?

Since I can't taste anything, I figure I can blend up a few cans of that stuff a day, but I really need my Vitamix to make my Surströmming dream a reality. 

Another potential issue we may have (there are many) is the World Cup. Sweden is still in the World Cup (go Sweden!). This is awesome, but also a little scary because we are taking a train from Copenhagen, Denmark, up to Varberg on the day of the final game. So if Sweden reaches the final, then it'll be a crazy time to try to get in the country. Sports analysts haven't given Sweden the best chance of beating England, then taking out either Russia or Croatia to make it to the final game. However, this World Cup has been pretty crazy (Spain, Argentina, Portugal, AND GERMANY have all been eliminated??), so I don't think you can count anybody out. The next game is this Saturday against England.

Go Sweden!! Beat those bloody English bastards!!!