I'm prejudiced

I have to get something off my chest. I've been holding it in because I'm afraid of offending anyone with my narrow-mindedness. I try not to let my emotions come out around my daughter because I don't want her growing up filled with hate like me. 

You see, I'm extremely prejudiced. There is a certain race of humankind...no....I can't even accept that they're human. They're a lesser species to the rest of us. My child shouldn't have to go to school with their children. She doesn't need to use the same bathrooms, drink out of the same water fountains. I don't want to see them move into my neighborhood. They should be shipped back to whatever country they came from.

I'm talking about dentists.  Dentists and those minions they innocently call 'oral hygienists'.

I'm a rabid anti-dentite (Mobile: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ythrdCsOFJU)

They've got my daughter thinking the dentist's office is a magical place where you get toys and no one gets hurt. When we tell her she has a dental appointment, she can hardly wait to go. Everyone in Dr. Malone's office, from the receptionist to the dentists themselves, treat her like a princess. In the dentist chair (a torture device as far as I'm concerned) she gets to lie back with headphones and watch cartoons in a TV on the ceiling. The hygienist announces that she's just going to "tickle" Grace's teeth as she lightly cleans them with a soft toothbrush. She gently admonishes my daughter to brush and floss her teeth twice a day. Then Grace is sent on her way with two toys and a pat on the head from the dentist. 

Grace' dentist's office complete with puppies, kittens, unicorns, ponies, butterflies, happy sun, and rainbows

Where is this coming from?? When I was her age, I hated going to the dentist. "Tickling" teeth??? Are you kidding me?!? Dentists only exist to make your mouth bleed. The whole oral hygiene industry is a vast conspiracy by the powerful toothpaste lobby. It's my firm belief that brushing more actually fills your teeth with plaque!!! I've found reliable sources online supporting this (I choose not to share them now, but they're out there). Why do the British have bad teeth? Because they brush ALL THE TIME!!! I should know. I'm an American, and if there're two things we're good at, it's our humility, wisdom, vast knowledge about other cultures and mathematical ability.

Destists caused me nothing but pain throughout my young life and lectured me the whole time about how I needed to take better care of my teeth. Normally, their lectures involved bringing out the gigantic model mouth so they could demonstrate how to floss. Each time, I would watch intently like this was my first flossing lesson.

"If you can brush and floss the giant mouth then surely you can handle your tiny mouth"

"Oh, so it goes between the teeth?? I've been doing it completely wrong!" 

"How do you brush again? A circular pattern?" 

"You avoid the gums, right? No??? Wow, Never have I learned so much at the dentist office!! I will go right home and brush and floss every 90 minutes until my next visit!!!"

But I didn't. A year later, I was back in that chair, getting my gums scraped off, listening to yet another lecture.

"Still not flossing, eh? Guess it's time for another remedial lesson!"

I bring all this up because I went to the dentist yesterday. I get free dental care from the Veterans Administration, so the chair I sit in for my cleaning looks more like this:

Here's what a military dentist office looks like. There's a drill and pliers in there somewhere.

It starts out innocently enough. The hygienist and I exchange pleasantries. She has me lie back while she gets out her tiny mirror to have a look around.

"Oh, you've been taking GREAT care of your teeth! Whatever you're doing, don't change a thing!!"

OK, I'm thinking, my brushing paid off, not to mention the fact that I don't even put food in my mouth. I'll be out of here in five minutes.

"Let me just take care of a couple places." Suddenly, she takes out the dreaded dental pick. You know what I'm talking about. These medieval things:

For thousands of years, dentists have used this weapon to terrorize humanity

The VA is old-school. There're no electric toothbrushes here; just picks and drills. If I'm in pain, they give me a shot of whiskey or I bite down on a strip of old leather to mask my screams.

This is my nightmare

So, the hygienist begins to excavate my mouth. 

SSKREEEEE SSKRRREEEEEEEEE SSSKKREEEEEEEEEEE SSSKKKRRRAAAAAAAAA SSSSKKKKKRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

All the while, she's humming to Nickelback, Train, and Katy Perry tunes. After every scrape, she wipes the blood and gum tissue on my bib.

"Yeah, this looks so good!! Just a couple more places."

"The happy mouth makes everything less scary, doesn't it?"

All I can do is say, "Mmmrrrmmmfffff rrrruuuummmmmffffffffffff hhhhiiiiiirrrrrrrrmmmmmffffffffffffffffff!!!!!!"

SSSKKKREEEEEE SSSKKKKRRRRAAAAAAAAAA SSSSKKKKKRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

"Well, maybe three more spots."

SSSSKKKKKKRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"OOOOWWWWWW!!!!  HHHHelllllllllmmmmffffff Mmmeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!" I mumble.

"What's that, honey? You need suction?"

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Almost finished, dear!"

SSSKKKKRRRRRRRRREEEEE SSSKKKRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!

Finally, the torture is complete. I get up from the chair and look down at a bib covered in blood. 

"This went way better than my last appointment!"

Woozy from severe pain and loss of blood, all I can do is rinse some of the blood and gum tissue out of my mouth and stumble out of the office after promising to come back for another cleaning in 6 to 9 months. 

I'd like to say that this is the last time I'll ever step foot in the dentist's office. I'd like to say that they'll never take me in with their stories of cavities and gingivitis.

I'd like to say that, but I need to go brush my teeth.