Can You Hear Me Now?

Before all the craziness in Hawaii, I wrote a blog post about my voice and how one side of my vocal cords is paralyzed. This gives my voice a higher pitch, and means I get mistaken for a woman on the phone. To help fix this problem, and to make it so I don't aspirate quite so much, I go to Vanderbilt University's voice clinic periodically. It had been a while since I last visited them (almost two years) so we decided to make another appointment. We made the drive to Nashville shortly before our vacation to Hawaii, and I'm just now getting around to describing the procedure I went through and how it felt. (Spoiler Alert: it ain't fun)

Basically, what the doctor does is inject collagen into my left vocal cord to 'beef it up' so the right cord doesn't have to stretch so far to meet it, ideally giving my voice a lower pitch. This is called a 'Laryngoplasty' (click on the word if you're dying to read all the details about it...DO IT!!!).

So, there are needles involved. Large needles. Into my vocal cord. 

I tried to use Grace as a human shield so I wouldn't have to go through it

The doctor who does the procedure, Dr. Garrett, is very nice and does this particular injection pretty often (they treat a lot of country music singers here). She started off by spraying lidocaine up my nostril so I wouldn't feel the tube with a tiny camera they're about to shove down my nose. The camera gave her a nice view of my vocal cords so she wouldn't accidentally spray too much collagen into my larynx, causing me to choke to death in front of my wife and daughter (I'm being overly dramatic here; that almost never happens).

Next, the doctor's kindly resident, Dr. Greene, injected more numbing stuff into my throat with a small needle so I wouldn't feel the--much larger--collagen needle. I asked Dr. Greene if he'd ever done this before and he said no, but he'd seen a youtube video of it so he had a pretty good idea of where to inject me. Ha ha ha. Very funny, funnyman.

"I think I'll stick you rriiiiiiiiight here"

 

"ow"

As Dr. Greene began to push the camera into my nose I screamed loudly in pain just to scare the crap out of him. He gets paid the big bucks to stick me with needles and ram stuff up my nose so don't tell me he didn't deserve it!

Once the camera was in place right at the point in my throat where I started to gag (the sweet spot), the doctors had a nice view of my vocal folds so they could make the injection.

My vocal cords either resemble Sauron's eye or a vagina. You be the judge.

Vagina. I can't be the only one thinking that.

As Dr. Green held the camera steady, Dr. Garrett carefully stuck a fat needle in my throat to inject the collagen.

"Whoa. This dude's throat is messed up."

The first attempt didn't go so well. She ended up missing the vocal cord and getting the collagen in my throat so I had to cough up a bunch of the stuff before she could try again.

"How would you like a mouth-full of collagen?"

The second try went better. Throughout the procedure I had to sit perfectly still and make noise (usually an "eeeeee" sound) to see if she was putting in enough collagen. Yeah, that's just what I wanted to do right then. Make noise without moving while a camera rested on my epiglottis.

"Go Broncos! Also, why are you hurting me?"

Following the injection, my voice was definitely deeper. I was also very hoarse and coughing up some blood. Dr. Garrett explained that this is normal and would go away after a couple days (which it did).

"It's so fun when daddy's miserable!"

The problem with this procedure is that it's not permanent. The collagen gets reabsorbed and/or leaks out of the vocal cord after a few months and I think my voice is already getting higher. I try to put off going back to Vanderbilt until I've forgotten all the pain I went through last time or until I get really sick of people calling me "Mrs. Liebenow" on the phone. So, if you call our house, just assume it's me, even if it sounds like Grace.