I nearly died the other day

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, but I was moments away from death last week.

Ok, I was definitely at risk of dying.

Ok, ok, there was a slight chance I was going to die.

Alright fine, I fell down, broke several bones, drove the car to the ER while in blinding pain, and I'm currently in the ICU encased in a body cast.

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!!! I fell down on some rocks and it really hurt. Are you happy?!?

I turn 40 next month. It's crazy how the older I get, the more one fall has the potential to inflict some serious damage. In this case, no broken bones, but I was so sore I could barely walk the next day, and it still hurts to take a deep breath.

How did this happen? Let me set the scene. 

I love taking my dog, Aspen, for walks. He is the perfect dog for walking. He never pulls on his leash. He loves being outside, doesn't care how cold he is (obviously; he's a freaking polar bear), and really enjoys exploring new places. 

He especially likes hiking in the snow. We get a TON of that in Eastern Tennessee!

I've been all over Knoxville with him--to every park I can find. My favorite place to go with Aspen is Ijams Nature Center. Ijams is a beautiful natural area on the Tennessee River just outside downtown Knoxville. There are hiking trails all over with a boardwalk along the river and plenty of wildlife scampering through the woods. The park is never overly crowded and has just enough hints of wildness that you can forget for a moment that you are still near the city.

I had to show Betsy and Grace the scene of the accident yesterday

On a whim, I took my handsome, noble pet to Ijams last Thursday. It was a perfectly crisp fall day--still fairly early in the morning so few people roaming the trails in the park. Normally, I took Aspen on a loop along the boardwalk by the river. But, he gets bored if we go the same route. I can tell when he's bored because he no longer stops to sniff every foreign object along our route. Instead, he just walks, glumly behind me. He steadily falls further and further behind, until I'm practically dragging him back to the car. So instead of hiking down to the river's edge, I chose a different route that first climbed up to a river overlook, then meandered down past a sinkhole and over a swampy area back behind--and probably 100 ft below--the park visitor's center.

Grace loves packing a really heavy backpack...then making us carry it

Such a beautiful morning for a hike. The autumn leaves carpeted our path and the high canopy of the older trees dimmed my surroundings and kept undergrowth away so I had a mostly unobstructed view of the rolling landscape and small woodland creatures surrounding us. Not another person in sight; only the peaceful sounds of nature that were so far removed from our suburban life across town. My fiercely loyal pet and I wandered, first following a tributary of the river, then circling around the visitor's center and some other historic buildings. As I said, we ended up far below the parking lot, on a series of boardwalks in a marshy area. By this point of the hike, I was tired, and--as so often happens on our morning walks these days--feeling the call of nature and in need of a bathroom.

His camouflage is amazing, isn't it?

So, I'm standing down there looking up this steep incline at the back end of the visitor's center, knowing our vehicle is within easy reach, ready to just get this walk over with so I can find the nearest restroom and do my business. The trail seemed to continue on, with a series of steep stairs cut into the hill and a rope railing leading up about 20 feet. 

Looks safe to me!

With my best friend at my side, I climbed those stairs, thinking there would be a trail leading me straight back to civilization. Instead, the path abruptly ended. That was it. The only way I could get back was retracing my steps and following the winding trail back over the roughly 10 miles* I'd just hiked. I looked my steadfast companion in the eyes and we decided to take a little shortcut, even though we'd just passed a sign warning us to stay on the trail.

Actually, it was this sign

Aspen swore he would help me over the difficult parts. I knew I could rely on my dog--just as early man depended on the first domesticated wolves for our survival. I set off up the mountain with my partner cautiously picking out a path in front of me. With only one working arm and my left leg weaker than the right, I couldn't race up the rocky hillside like I could've done a decade ago. But, I made steady progress with my furry white knight leading the way.

The hill I climbed looked strikingly similar to this

I was nearly at the summit. I could see the tops of cars and the pressure from my bladder had me in panic mode. Then, disaster. My left foot slipped on the moist ground. My left arm couldn't catch my body and there was nothing to prevent my left side from slamming against the sharp rocks embedded in the hillside. I emitted a sharp cry of pain and maybe a profane word or two as I wallowed in the dirt and leaves in agony. As I vainly tried to count the number of broken bones, I cried out for my friend, my loyal companion, the pet who I've fed and sheltered for countless months to come to my rescue!!

Did he come rushing back to my side? Did Aspen immediately rush off to find help or medical assistance?? Nope. The fat bastard just scrambled the rest of the way up the hill and without a backward glance, he walked away as though declaring, "I never really liked that dude anyway. Anybody want to finish my walk with me?"

"Thanks a lot, lard-ass," I muttered to the no-good mongrel as I painstakingly dragged my body the rest of the way up the hill and slowly limped back to the car. The hairy, conniving traitor, as though coming to the realization that the park was deserted and no one was likely to rescue him from his incarceration with the Liebenow's, trotted back to me and climbed into the car. As he sat in his preferred spot in the front seat, slowly drooling on the dashboard, he gave me a look that said, "Guess you didn't die back there after all. Since you're the only human around, I suppose I'll have to abide your company a while longer. You just gonna stand there staring, you scrawny punk?? Let's go!!!" Yes, his look said all those things. He's a very expressive animal!

Somehow, I was able to drive through the pain and dragged myself home. I managed to whine to Betsy enough that she took me in to see the doctor. I was certain I had a few broken ribs and a cracked pelvis but the X-ray came out completely clean. A couple days later, my hip was feeling better but my chest was hurting even more. I couldn't even take a full breath without being in pain. So this time, I got a CT scan because surely I had multiple fractured ribs that the X-ray failed to catch. Nope. All that extra radiation from the CT scan was for nothing because I only had badly bruised ribs. The only positive thing that's come from this experience is that I've gotten out of even more chores around the house. Also, I've come to see my evil, self-serving dog in a whole new light. 

Oh Aspen, how can I stay mad at you??

* This may, or may not, be accurate. Could've been 5 miles. Could've been 0.5. The truth is we'll never know just how far that return journey would've been. Hey, aren't we all on our own separate long journeys called 'life?' Think about it. 

Fulton's Crab House

On our last night in Orlando, we all went out to eat in Downtown Disney. In case you didn't know, Downtown Disney is an area of shops, restaurants and clubs near the Disney parks. It is Disney World's attempt to keep the tourists spending their money on all things Disney every minute they're in Orlando. So, not only are you blowing your money on hotel rooms, parking, Magic Kingdom passes, lunch and snacks; you can also bring the kids to Downtown Disney after hitting the parks for Cirque du Soleil, the Lego Imagination Center, and dinner at the Rainforest Cafe.

Kerrie and Betsy discovered they have something in common. They are both CRAZY about crab legs. I wrote about Betsy's obsession with crab legs in another post (link). Kerrie is about that bad--maybe a little worse. So, we decided to go to a crab leg mecca in Downtown Disney: Fulton's Crab House.

It's on a boat...how clever

It was such a lovely dinner. Matt's kids and Grace played quietly down at one end of the table while the adults could enjoy cocktails and talk at the other end. Or maybe the kids weren't at our table at all. I lost track of them but I'm sure they were fine.

I had a drink called the "Category Five." Then Betsy drank it.

I fully intended to get nice and tipsy during the meal, but for once Betsy decided I should be the responsible one that night. She finished off her martini, then proceeded to drink some of my "Category Five." Not sure what was in that thing, but by the end of the night my wife was singing loudly with a saxophone street performer playing "Billie Jean."

Then we got to the meal and Betsy and Kerrie tuned the men out as they attacked the poor crustaceans with gusto.

These innocent morsels never knew what hit them.

On the surface, Kerrie appeared to be enjoying her meal and politely devouring her crab legs:

"Om Nom Nom Nom"

But, if you look a little closer at her face, you'll notice something fascinating:

The Zombie Apocalypse has begun!!

I really loved this restaurant and wanted to give it a special mention on my blog because the chefs were so amazing to me. When I ordered my meal, THREE chefs came out to ask me about my feeding tube, the Vitamix, and make doubly sure they knew how to blend up the food the way I needed it.

Fulton's chefs are the best chefs

Fulton's bent over backward for me. The food was excellent. The service was fantastic. We couldn't have asked for a nicer family to share this dinner with. It was the perfect end to an awesome vacation. It's always a little bittersweet to talk with friends I knew before cancer. It reminds me of all the things I've lost, physically. But at the same time, it brings back memories of happier times and assures me that no matter how crazy my life gets and how much crap I go through, good friends will always be there to listen to me, to support me, and to punch me in the balls when I get too full of myself.

Cheers, Dunker's!!

Happiest Place on Earth: The madness continues

The next park we went to was Animal Kingdom. I was really excited about this park because I'd heard great things about it, but I was a little disappointed. It was the busiest park we went to so it was hard to squeeze through the press to see the animals. I can see most of the same animals at the zoo here in Knoxville and it's a whole lot less crowded. The safari was kind of lame; the animals weren't very close. At no point did I think I was on a real safari. I think the younger kids liked it, but whoever said Disney World is all about the kids?!?

The most I can say about Animal Kingdom is that they serve a tall cup of sangria:

Get it without ice to get you through the next line

I didn't learn my lesson and brought the blender, again. We left it at the first aid station near the front of the park and never used it. I had a Real Food Blend for lunch at one of the cafes.

With a sangria chaser

As I mentioned, the animals in Animal Kingdom were disappointing. The roller coaster they had, "Expedition Everest" was definitely my favorite of the whole trip though. It's the only one I went on twice. Betsy's favorite was "Space Mountain". I went on that one when I was a kid, but I was afraid to go on it this time because I thought it might jerk my head around too much.

 Video of "Expedition Everest" I pulled off youtube

Grace tried "Thunder Mountain Railroad" in Magic Kingdom then decided to opt out of roller coasters. While she waited with one of the adults for the rest of us to hit the scary rides, she discovered her talent for the "Whack-a-Mole" game. She is crazy-good at "Whack-a-Mole!!" If only that had some bearing on her education.

The cane was a big help to me, or maybe we didn't walk around as much

Grace's favorite ride was the "Kali River Rapids." It's one of those rides where a large group faces each other in a circular tube as it careens down a river. The tube was large enough to hold our entire group. There were ten of us--five kids and five adults--on that tube. We all knew some people would get really wet and others would get to watch it happen as one side or the other went under a waterfall or was at the front on a steep decline. The Liebenow's were fortunate because Matt and Kerrie got soaked and we got to watch as the wall of water engulfed them. Grace talked about it the rest of the trip.

That night, for dinner, we picked up from Bonefish Grill and brought it back to the house. So, I really didn't need to bring my Vitamix out the whole day.

Bonefish Grill, good friends, and copious amounts of wine

For our final day in Orlando, we decided to go to Hollywood Studios. I finally chose not to bring the Vitamix into the park so that was one less thing to worry about.

Grace and Anders at the Hollywood Studios entrance

For that last day, we were really missing the other adult in our group, Matt's sister Melinda. Ah, I've just realized I don't have any pictures of Matt's totally cool sister on my camera! Sorry about that, Melinda, or maybe you're just as happy I don't lampoon you on here. She was a HUGE help with us corralling the kids and very fun to be around. After she went home to Chicago, the rest of the adults realized we had to be parents again.

In Hollywood Studios, I was determined to bring a Real Food Blend on a ride--maybe even eat a Real Food Blend on a ride. It was a photo opportunity too good to pass up. The "Tower of Terror" was too dark and I couldn't possibly imagine trying to pour a RFB while getting bounced around in that elevator. So, I set my sights on the "Rock 'n' Roller Coaster."

Eating a Real Food Blend at the entrance wasn't nearly enough of a thrill

I slipped the bag into my pocket as we waited nervously in line. Betsy and I planned out the photo. It looked like the shoulder restraints would prevent any kind of tube feeding plus there's no way to hold a camera while the thing was moving. So we decided to snap a picture as I jumped in, right before we took off:

Nailed it.

The ride itself was fun, especially the first part. The bit at the end jerked my head a lot though and wasn't too comfortable.

Once again, I had a Real Food Blend for lunch. And once again, I flushed it with a very large cup of sangria.

With all these little girls around, I see why Matt is bald

Wait for it...

"Happiest place on earth" indeed.

We'd heard great things about the "Toy Story" ride, so we bit the bullet and waited an hour in line to get on. It was our longest wait time of the 3 parks we visited. Having a lengthy wait time is much more fun with a group than it would have been with just the Liebenow's. We managed to pass most of the time playing an iPhone app called "Head's Up" where one person holds the phone to their forehead displaying a word and the rest of the group gets him/her to guess the word. I'm not so good at explaining it but there's a free version and it's very fun to play if you have time to kill. Everyone else in line was asking us for the app name. When we finally got to the ride, it was pretty fun but I don't think it was worth such a long wait. You sit in pairs and shoot different targets with a laser-tag-type gun. It took two hands so I was a little handicapped. That's my excuse for getting demolished by Matt at the game anyway. Plus I'm pretty sure he was cheating.

Toy Story photo op.

Can you believe there were no costumed characters (Mickey, Minnie, princesses, etc.) walking around in Magic Kingdom??? Only a few in Hollywood Studios.

We went out to eat at a really nice restaurant in Downtown Disney that I'll discuss in a separate post.

So that was the trip. The Dunker's stayed a few more Liebenow-free days but we felt the need to get Grace back to school.

Oh, I should also talk to you about this little monster:

Yeah. Those are his actual eyes.

The morning we were about to leave, I woke up and took a fast shower. This was the end of our journey. I was thinking fondly of the time we spent with the Dunker's and of how much I admired their children. No bickering; very little complaining; very respectful, responsible kids. I can't say enough good things about them. If Matt and Kerrie suddenly sent them to our house to live with us for 6 months, I would have no problem with it. You don't understand what that means. Did you know I can't stand kids? I mean I guess I could take in my sister's two boys for a few weeks but I'm contractually obligated to say that. Even my own kid is barely tolerable. But Matt' and Kerrie's kids are terrific. 

No gawking at my tube-feeding either. The other day, my neighbor's kid told me, "no offense, Brian, but your neck freaks me out." That's fine. I appreciate his honesty and I have no problem answering kids' questions but the staring makes me a little uncomfortable after a while. Avery, Sloane and Anders didn't do any of that.

So there I was, coming out of the shower, blissfully thinking about how fortunate I was to have been introduced to such wonderful children, contemplating how bright the future of humanity was with such an inspiring generation of youths coming of age. All of a sudden, I hear a blood-curdling scream as Anders leaps out of the dark to frighten me.

Scared the crap out of me. My heart stopped. I may have given a high-pitched squeal, cowered in terror and peed a little, but it all happened so fast I can't remember. The next thing I know, I hear fading laughter as the little bugger (actually, 'bugger' isn't good British slang to use, is it? No, screw it. Anders is a little bugger--I said it!) scampered off back to his room. 

All I can say is, your time will come, Anders. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But one day. One day.

The Happiest Place on Earth

Yep, we did Disney. Some adults immediately groan when they hear that. I'll admit there are some negatives when I think of Disney World. The crowds; waiting an hour or more in line surrounded by screaming kids for a 2 minute ride; the muggy, oppressive heat of Florida; and the cost--a one-day park pass can set you back more than a hundred bucks these days. However, in this case I was pretty excited. We went in October, so there weren't so many people. Lines were shorter. Also, it wasn't as hot. I mean, it got up into the mid-80s during the day; I was sweating in shorts. But I can imagine it is much worse in July. The military offers a sweet deal on 4-day passes for retirees, so the cost wasn't so bad. The best part: My friends Matt and Kerrie were going too, along with their three awesome kids!! Going to a park like that is SO much better when you're with friends. You're kind of forced to be on your best behavior, you know what I'm saying? If it was just the three of us, I can imagine there would be a lot more moaning and groaning (mostly by me) and bickering. I couldn't imagine a better family to go with either.

I think I mentioned earlier that Matt and I were roommates in college. Here's a grainy class photo (sorry, my scanner sucks):

The main idea here is that he used to have a full head of hair

Matt was the captain of our swim team and near the top of our class of ~950 athletically, academically and militarily. By contrast, I tried playing intramural water polo one time and I was really horrible at it and surprisingly out of shape. I was decidedly average both academically and militarily--I mentioned in a previous post that I'd gotten in a bit of trouble when I was a freshman for being "out of uniform."  I had a 2.99 GPA (you'd think they could've thrown in the extra 0.01 just out of pity, the bastards). Not bad, but not stellar either. I graduated about #350 out of 950. I think Matt was #12. Matt would go on to get his MBA at Cornell. The only reason Matt agreed to room with a low-life like me is because his options were limited and because he went to the same high school (Go Raiders!) as my good friend, Dave--the same Dave as that "out of uniform" post.

I guess Matt's views on streaking were fairly liberal or maybe he had a lapse in judgement. Regardless, he was stuck with me for our last semester of college. This is where Kerrie comes in:

She still has hair today--others weren't so lucky

Kerrie Gribuski (I'm not making that up; her name was Gribuski; I can laugh because people laugh at my name all the time) and I were in a class together our senior year, Engineering 410 or something like that. Kerrie worked with me on a class project in our dorm room just once, and Matt was smitten. Actually he probably knew her before that semester--I can't recall. Regardless, a few days later, he sent her a long, thoughtful note complete with poetry expounding on her beauty and how he longed to share an evening with her if only to gaze into her eyes. Then he whisked her off for an intimate, romantic evening that would bud into a loving bond that could not be torn asunder.

I'm just kidding. He sent her a terse e-mail that said "I need some Gribuski time!" Then he picked her up for their 'date' with two freshmen girls in the back seat who needed a ride. At the end of the night he got no kiss and it was several months before Kerrie agreed to go for a second date.

But anyway, Matt and Kerrie now have three awesome kids. It was so cool catching up with them, reminiscing about college and sharing a few days in the Disney parks. It was especially gratifying that Matt planned our park visits like the Normandy invasion and had apps on his phone that would show how busy the parks were on a given day and up-to-the-minute wait times for each attraction.

Our first stop was Magic Kingdom.

Anders, Grace's cousin Julie, Sloane, Avery, and a strange Chinese kid who photobombed our picture at Magic Kingdom

Betsy and Kerrie standing in line; we did a fair amount of that

One of these men is devilishly handsome. The other is bald.

We brought in my Vitamix because we thought I might need it later on if we decided to eat dinner in the park. That turned out to be a mistake. It was a pain to drag the suitcase into the park. Then, we had to check it in at the first aid clinic. We left the park before dinner so there was no point bringing it in. To anyone who wants to bring their blender into the park: yes, they'll let you bring it in and you can leave it up near the entrance to each park where the clinic is. When you're ready to eat, you can pull it out and bring it to the restaurant. There are some sit-down places where I could've brought the Vitamix. Or if I was really bold, I could've plugged up on the wall of any snack bar. Disney will bend over backward for anyone with special needs, in my experience. I'm sure there are exceptions, but they wouldn't make much money if they had poor customer service.

As I'm sure you're aware, the food in the park is expensive and isn't the healthiest (though I noticed the market in Animal Kingdom had fresh fruit, veggies, and gluten-free stuff beside the Cheetos). I'd recommend bringing your own blend in. Better yet, bring in a Real Food Blend because you'd need to refrigerate your own blend until you're ready for it.

The little one lost a leg in the Haunted Mansion...the rides seem perfectly safe

After that first day, I was really exhausted. My left leg was dragging. Just way too much standing in line and walking around. For the other two parks we visited, I brought my cane and it helped tremendously.

Getting one of my pre-made blends from home for dinner

Thought I could do this whole post in one fell swoop, but I'll have to split it up. I'll talk about Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios in the next post. Plus I'll discuss why this kid is a little punk:

Because he liked to scare me and it's not funny when I'm not the one doing that, ok??