Veterans Day Parade

Once a week, I get the privilege of grooming and riding a horse named Patch. This is thanks to a program called "Horses and Heroes" at the Shangri-La Therapeutic Academy of Riding (STAR). The volunteers at STAR help wounded veterans learn about caring for, and riding, horses. 

Vietnam veteran Chuck is helping me clean Patch's hooves [photo by Shawn Millsaps]

They are capable of handling any disability from blindness, to deafness, to paralysis, to PTSD. I've seen them regularly lift a wheelchair-bound veteran, who has difficulty holding himself upright, onto a large horse named Sampson. They also work with disabled children and troubled teens. They even bring miniature ponies and donkeys to rest homes and schools. STAR is passionate about the healing power of working with horses. I've experienced it firsthand. Every week I watch veterans' faces light up interacting with these beautiful animals. And of course, there's my personal joy from seeing Patch every week.

Scratch him there long enough and he goes right to sleep [Shawn Millsaps]

Patch used to be part of a mounted search and rescue team. He's quite large compared to other horses I've ridden in the past. I think I heard that his name used to be Apache, but this got shortened to Patch because STAR already had a horse named Apache. But "Patch" also fits for the big guy because of his mottled skin coloring. He is unique among the horses at STAR because his mane is short and sticks straight up, like a mohawk. I've heard that with other riders, Patch can be a little temperamental, but with me he's always easy-going and responds well to every command. 

Weaving the cones [Shawn Millsaps]

Maybe this is because I bring him an apple every week, or maybe it's because I spend a lot of time scratching his favorite spot between his ears. It could also be because I ride him on Friday and he's looking forward to the weekend. Admittedly, I'm not much of a "horse whisperer," but I sure love spending time with him. 

I went through a couple horses before Patch. Most memorable was a horse named Largo. Largo is a beautiful Chestnut horse with a tattoo of a palm tree on his left hindquarters. Largo was a great horse too, and I think I had a pretty good rapport with him.

Largo is another awesome STAR horse

The only trouble I had with Largo was that he had an extremely uncomfortable trot. The horses we ride already know basic commands like "WALK," "TROT," "EASY," "BACK," and "WHOA." So, during our rides around the arena at STAR, we typically start off at an easy walk, then we build up to a trot. If our horse gets overly excited, we yell out, "EASY!" or "WALK!" to bring him back under control. During one fateful practice session, the girth of my saddle wasn't tightened enough when I tried bringing Largo around a curve in our oval arena at a brisk trot. Largo's trot is extremely bouncy, and I was having a hard time getting enough breath to yell out "EASY!" or better yet, "WHOA!" My saddle slowly rolled around Largo's barrel-like flank. I found myself riding parallel to the ground as I lost my grip on the horse and hit the hard gravel with my shoulder. Largo kept right on going as if to say, "well that's a load off! Trotting is so much easier now!" Luckily, I landed on my left, paralyzed shoulder which has no feeling. So, I barely felt any pain, and I got right back up on Largo for some easy walking--just to show him that he couldn't get rid of me that easy. 

Largo ultimately didn't work out and that's when I started riding my favorite horse. Patch has such a stately, gentle trot. It's a pleasure to ride him. When I first started riding, I had a STAR volunteer--most of the volunteers who work with us are also veterans--walking beside the horse to make sure there were no mishaps. With Patch, I've been allowed to ride independently, and I can't put into words what an awesome feeling it is taking him around the arena by myself. 

[Shawn Millsaps]

STAR does so much for disabled or troubled kids and for wounded warriors. Unfortunately, only a few veterans take advantage of the opportunity. So if, by some weird chance, you're a disabled veteran who's reading this blog (doesn't matter what your disability is) of any age, you live in the Knoxville area (STAR is located in Lenoir City), and you have any interest in horse back riding (you don't have to know anything about it), then please contact STAR!! www.rideatstar.com (865) 988-4711; POC: Robin Bowen, robin@bowensales.com (865) 806-9552. 

STAR volunteer, and Air Force veteran, Jim, helping my friend Mark with his horse Dan [Shawn Millsaps]

Chuck takes Patch and I around the arena once before I ride on my own [Shawn Millsaps]

STAR has both an indoor arena (pictured) and an outdoor arena [Shawn Millsaps]

Every year, STAR takes part in Knoxville's Veteran's Day parade. I was bummed to learn that we don't ride horses in the parade. Apparently, there was some concern about horse poop and the marching bands behind us. I say marching through a pile of horse manure is a good way for the marchers to build character and practice staying in formation. Instead, the veterans and STAR volunteers sat on hay bales in a trailer pulled by a pickup truck. Betsy and I pulled Grace out of school that day so she could ride with us. She loves being in the parade, waving at all the spectators, and hearing the marching bands and fire trucks. Hopefully, it helps STAR get a little more publicity for what they are trying to do for veterans.

Would be so much cooler if we were on Patch

"This parade is just for me!"

Daddy's girl

After the parade, everyone from STAR--about 10 of us--went to a sports bar called Double Dogs Chow House (if you live in Knoxville, it's located near the intersection of Hardin Valley and Pellissippi).

Interesting name for a sports bar

Just now noticed that there appears to be a dog house in front. I'm the most unobservant person in the world.

I brought in my Blendtec and Betsy asked the manager if it would be ok if they blended up my food. The manager said it would be no problem. They were really nice and accommodating there. I was worried about finding anything gluten free and remotely healthy at a sports bar but they have a decent menu. I was tempted to get a steak with a side of fries, but I thought this would make my blend too thick. So, I ended up getting a Greek salad topped with grilled chicken. 

That's a whole lotta green in that picture

At the end of the meal, we were all shocked to find out that the manager paid the entire bill!! On Veteran's Day there are so many businesses that bend over backward for veterans. Some are public about it like Krispy Kreme or Applebee's while other individuals show their appreciation for veterans in their own quiet way, like the manager at Double Dogs. It's always very humbling for me to witness the unquestioning gratitude of others for my military service. I wish this message could reach the many veterans who are homeless and/or contemplating taking their own life. I sincerely hope that the efforts of STAR and the healing powers of caring for their beautiful horses can, in some small way, help some of the veterans who are most in need.

[Shawn Millsaps]

Tennessee Football Game

Let me tell you how fortunate I am. Since I got cancer while I was in the military and it happened after 9/11, I am a Wounded Warrior Project (WWP) "Alumni." This was a bit of a shock to me. I'm not sure I deserve being designated as a wounded warrior. 

My friend, Mark, was an Army officer deployed to a highly volatile area in Iraq. While out on patrol, a suicide bomber set himself off right behind Mark. He suffered shrapnel damage to the right side of his cervical spine (ironically similar to the radiation damage I have on the left side of my cervical spine). As a result, he is weak on his right side from the neck down and has lost feeling on his left side. My symptoms are the exact opposite. Well, not quite exact. He has more strength in his weak arm than I have in mine (he plays piano beautifully). He can also swallow, so he's not a tubie like me. On the other hand, he is almost completely deaf from the bomb blast. He also has traumatic brain injury (TBI). Half of his skull had to be removed, along with a portion of his brain. He suffers from short-term memory loss and frequent seizures, so he can't drive himself.

Clearly, Mark is a Wounded Warrior Project "Alumni," right? He was in combat. He was injured while in combat. When I was in Afghanistan, I mostly sat at a computer or briefed the guys who were going into danger. I never left the Forward Operating Base, or FOB--folks like me are now affectionately (derisively?) known as "fobbits." My injuries came from radiation. There are millions of cancer survivors out there just like me--some better off, some worse. They are not WWP "Alumni." They don't get the benefits I get. Do I deserve all this? 

I get stopped by people all the time thanking me for my service. People assume, because of my appearance, that I was wounded in combat. After I correct them, "No, it was just cancer." I always imagine there's a look of disappointment on their face. I assume they think, "I went out of my way to thank this man, thinking he's a hero, but it's only cancer?? My neighbor's kid has leukemia. His family doesn't get a special license plate, or discounts at restaurants!"

I feel guilty that people make the assumption that I'm a hero because I'm a disabled veteran. Yet, I still take advantage of veteran opportunities. I take comfort from the fact that Mark doesn't resent me at WWP or Disabled American Veteran (DAV) events (or he hides it really well). Also, there are many more veterans at these events who were not injured in combat. I don't know what the percentage is, but at the DAV Winter Sports Clinic in Aspen, Colorado, it seemed like half (or more) of the veterans were not injured in combat, but instead got their TBI, paralysis, blindness, or missing limb(s) from accidents or diseases.

So, one of those opportunities I took advantage of was the WWP offered me two box seat tickets to see the local college football team (University of Tennessee Volunteers; and that's American football, not that other football everybody else is crazy about) play a game. If you're not from Knoxville, or the US, then you may not fully appreciate the culture of college football around here. Let me just say that the last time UT won the national championship title, Peyton Manning was quarterback. He appears to be regarded as a minor deity in eastern Tennessee. We get regular progress reports in the local news on his health and performance in the NFL, even though he now plays for the Denver Broncos in Colorado. I've also noted that most of Denver's games are now televised here, even a game against San Diego a few weeks ago. Tennessee has no connection to Colorado or Southern California, but everyone is an automatic fan of wherever Peyton plays.

The media constantly highlights the damage football does to players' bodies. College professors lament how college football sucks money away from academics for lavish athletic facilities. At the air conditioned box suite above the fray of the commoners' seats at UT, I had flat screen TV monitors above every urinal in the bathroom, a huge catered lunch with plush, leather seats that had lovely views of the Tennessee River (why would I bother watching the game?). Meanwhile, across the street where I got my master's degree, the decrepit classrooms date back to the 60s. The 12-story humanities building was built in 1965 and recently had emergency maintenance because it was literally falling apart. But God forbid we have a losing football season or Peyton breaks a pinkie toe!! 

Side note: I've been a rabid Denver Broncos fan since the days when John Elway was quarterback. I realize this is somewhat hypocritical to my somewhat anti-football establishment rant above, but if you try to deride my team or our players, I WILL CUT YOU!! Peyton Manning better not break a toe, either!!!!!

Anyway, I keep digressing from the main topic: tubefeeding at the football game. I wasn't sure what the food situation was going to be up in the suites, so I opted not to bring my Blendtec and use whatever food they offered at the game. After seeing the smorgasbord our hosts laid out, I will definitely bring my blender next time if I ever have the opportunity again.

"What football game? I'm just here for the food!"

It seemed like there was an entire table devoted to donuts

So I blended up a meal before the game, put it in a blender bottle, and packed it along with my tube, plunger, syringe holders, and towels in a backpack. The University's security has a thing about not bringing any backpacks or liquids into the stadium, but our liaison for the game, Mary Hughes, talked to them beforehand and they let Betsy and I through.

We got passes to stand on the sidelines before the game. Pretty cool!

Couldn't find an outlet for my Blendtec down here

Up in our box seats, I was humbled to meet several other wounded veterans sitting with us. We had an excellent view of the action. Tennessee played Southern Alabama, which should have been an easy game for us, but our team isn't very good this year (they've been struggling since Peyton Manning left) so it turned out to be an exciting game. My seat had a convenient fold-out table I could hook my syringe holder to and I was able to eat without difficulty around halftime.

Could've brought alcohol in my blend, but alas I didn't

Luckily, there was no tubie blowout and I didn't spray food on my fellow veterans

Overall, it was a great experience. I really appreciate how much Mary, and everyone else, bent over backwards to accommodate all the wounded veterans in attendance!

The Mechanics of Tubefeeding

I feel like you want me to describe every aspect of tubefeeding, because on this blog there's no such thing as too much information....except poop....I draw the line at poop. I have standards, ok??

Eric O'Gorman gave a lovely description of eating a meal here. There are a few differences (different blender [Although, since I wrote this post, I've gone back to using a Vitamix because I feel like it does a better job], he's using two hands while I only use one, his blend is a bit thinner, etc.) but otherwise same idea. Many tubies (most tubies?) are young infants or are incapable of feeding themselves, so they have caregivers who do all the work. We'll call these caregivers "moms" because dads are adept at disappearing when it comes to changing poopy diapers and tubefeeding. My daughter has never been tubefed so I don't speak from personal experience but this sounds like the type of job I'd run away from. Regardless, caregivers--moms--prep and administer the food the same way. 

My meal begins with a blender. In this case, I'll be using the Blendtec for this demo.

"This is my Blendtec...there are many like it, but this one is mine."

Other people use a Vitamix, and that's perfectly fine--if you're a LOSER!! Just joking; actually I have both, and I go back and forth in preference. Right now, I'm using my Vitamix because the Blendtec has given me trouble blending some foods completely; plus the Vitamix is helping support the Oral Cancer Foundation. There are plenty of other blenders too. The Ninja has gotten good reviews. Other tubies use Magic Bullets, normal blenders, food processors, or even immersion blenders and make sure to put their blend through a strainer to take out any chunks. But if you really want to pulverize your food; if you're an American who grew up on violent video games and mass shootings every other Tuesday and you want to see your bloody rare steak decimated beyond all recognition then you should really use a Vitamix or Blendtec. For that matter, if you're a peace loving Canadian who wants all races and all vegan food blended in the great melting pot of life, then these two blenders are for you. I could see it go either way. They're the blenders for everyone!

Next, we add the ingredients. This is my typical lunch:

Just for fun, I blend the containers up too; because the Blendtec can do that

I'm "doubling up the recipe" so I have enough food for tomorrow's lunch also. So, I've got 2 bananas, 2 hard-boiled eggs, plain whole-milk yogurt, sunflower butter, almond butter, a delicious bar of dark chocolate for the anti-oxidants (because if there's one thing I hate, it's oxidants; tiny little sons-of-bitches!), fish oil (for the omega 3s, whatever those are...I'm not a nutritionist, ok?!?), stool softener (I said I wouldn't talk about poop!), and 16 ounces of green tea. 

On the other hand, if you've been married to the same woman for eleven LLLOOOOOOONNNNNGGGGG years, then maybe you'd prefer these ingredients:

Is it just me or does my blog have an alcoholic tone?

Not me, though. Nothing but green tea for this fellah! Wait, am I nearly out of wine?!?

At this point, I put the ingredients in the pitcher:

How'd that get there?

Then, hit the Soups/Syrups/Fondues button on the Blendtec...

The Control Center

Wait 90 seconds while my food is obliterated (I had to hold the lid down because I put quite a bit of food in for this blend). And voilà! I've got myself a couple meals that are both delicious AND nutritious!

It tastes exactly how it looks!! Like crap. It tastes like crap.

The next step is food consumption. This step begins with setting the table.

Blendtec should be paying me for this publicity, am I right??

I've laid (I've lain? What's the right word here? I'm not an English major, alright?!?) Betsy's 2nd best dishtowel down on the table in case of any messes. I've noticed the Blendtec pitcher does not pour as cleanly as the Vitamix pitcher, so there are apt to be errant drips--maybe you should look into that, Blendtec, eh? Betsy's best dishtowel is in my lap because I am an expert at feeding my lap various odoriferous concoctions. My blend is of course on the table, along with 8 ounces of water to flush my meal down once I'm finished. I also have my syringe in the ready position in the syringe holder, and I have my plunger. The rubber tip of my plunger is doused with cooking spray because it's a pain to push it into the syringe if it isn't lubed up. 

I've tried several other types of syringes, including syringes with silicone tips that don't need cooking spray and can be used practically indefinitely. The problem with all these syringes is that they are much more awkward for me to operate with one hand. My Medline syringes are thin enough that they fit into my syringe holder but fat and short enough that I can push the plunger one-handed.

So now I hook my tube up to the syringe. Let's take a look at that shall we?

Note the six-pack abs, ladies

Normally, a PEG tube doesn't include that red part. It's called a Lopez Valve. Since I can't use my left hand to hold the syringe into the tube it would slip out pretty easily if it wasn't for the Lopez Valve, especially when I apply the force necessary to push in a thick blend. That red, rubber part holds onto the syringe extremely well so I can do this whole thing one-handed. I've only found Lopez Valves in hospital ERs and since I haven't been to the ER in a while--knock on wood--I've run out of them, so not sure what I'll do next tube change. I suppose just keep using this one until it breaks.

[UPDATE TO THIS POST: I found a way to order more Lopez Valves! Try Allegro Medical at this link: http://www.allegromedical.com//patient-care-c530/lopez-enteral-valve-p549281.html?utm_campaign=Comparison%20Shopping&utm_source=froogle&utm_medium=feed&CS_003=9164468&CS_010=ff80808111238d9d011124bf2edf5c8b&gclid=CjwKEAiAodOlBRDCjr-UlJDjtVUSJABR7fxyTAqg022UFw3qmZQWmACDGT6veQNjh5fVD_g3uovfYRoCOxzw_wcB&kwid=productads-plaid%5E95325235693-sku%5E221@ADL4ICUM9000@ADL4ALLEGRO-adType%5EPLA-device%5Et-adid%5E53190000973 or try here: http://healthproductsforyou.com/p-6217-icu-medical-lopez-valve-closed-enteral-tube-valve.html?gclid=CjwKEAiAodOlBRDCjr-UlJDjtVUSJABR7fxyVeMqQLn7bGVQGBbvLuhZwCjl4BP_P-2rL2BVMN_nvBoC57Tw_wcB or I had success ordering here: link]

Anyway, here we go; I'm ready to commence eating!! Assuming my depth perception is still adequate, I pour my blend into the syringe:

I am AWESOME at taking selfies!!

My blend is thicker than water; more like smoothie consistency. It will not go in by the force of gravity, so, I have to push it into my stomach. When I'm putting real food into my stomach, it doesn't make a difference to me how fast or slow I push the meal in. On the other hand, formulas like Ensure, Jevity, and TwoCal make me extremely nauseous if they go in too fast. My belly must know something the formula companies don't. Here we are at the halfway point:

Do you think the syringe is half full or half empty? Hmmm...

Note in the picture above that there is a weak link in my tubefeeding chain. Let's call this weak point "Lopez Junction"

Lopez Junction

Since I can't hold the syringe into the tube at Lopez Junction, there is a risk that if I push too forcefully on the plunger, the tube will pop off and spray me, and my loved ones, with the ingredients I outlined above. That would be sad. Emoticon sad. :-(  FYI, emoticon sad is the saddest sad of all.

This is the main reason I keep my blends fairly thin with water (or hard alcohol; they both work fine), and I also don't push too hard on the plunger.

When I'm done pushing in that food, I clamp the tube, disconnect the syringe from Mr. Lopez, pull out the plunger, reconnect the syringe, set it up in my syringe holder, and repeat until my pitcher is empty and all emoticons are happy once again.

:-(  ---->  :-/  ---->  :-\  ---->  :-0  ---->  :-)   (see what I did there?)

Once my meal is complete, I flush my tube with the 8 ounces of water. 

Or vodka. Again with the alcoholism, Brian??

Getting water is very important for us tubies because we can't take casual drinks like inferior people. That's right, non-tubies are inferior to me; HOW DOES THAT FEEL?!? I try to drink 16 ounces each meal (8 oz. in the blend and 8 oz. for flushing). Plus I get another 16-24 ounces of "free" water (just water by itself) and water with my meds.

After, flushing the tube, it's time to clean the pitcher. The Blendtec is great at cleaning itself. Just fill with water, add some dish soap, run for a bit and you're ready for your next meal. 

Much like my daughter, I LOVE bubbles!

It's also really fun to overfill the pitcher with soapy water and run the blender on high. Do it at your sister-in-law, Katie's ("Hey Brian, watcha doin"), house, stand back 10 feet, and prepare for some entertaining fireworks!!!

I know this sounds like a long process just to eat a meal, but it really only takes me 20-25 minutes to prep and 15-20 minutes to eat. During that time I can watch a show on my computer--with the headphones on so I don't have to listen to my wife and daughter drone on about their day. 

I hope this blog post was both entertaining and informative. If you've read all the way to the end, then you're me, Brian. You're the only one who read this far. But you're still a winner in my book, you handsome devil!!! :-)

The Moon Festival

On the fifteenth day of the eighth month of the Chinese calendar, during a full moon, certain Asian cultures (China, Vietnam, and Taiwan for the most part) celebrate the mid-Autumn, or Moon, Festival. It occurs in late September or early October. This year, the festival fell on September 19. Since we believe that it is important to celebrate Grace's Chinese heritage, we always get together with other families in the area who've adopted Asian children--mostly China, but there are some kids from Taiwan and Vietnam--to celebrate the moon festival. 

It is a great opportunity for Grace to get together with Asian kids her age who are in similar circumstances, and we've made a lot of good friends with other adoptive parents. 

Our group normally has a potluck dinner at the Moon Festival. In past years, I've eaten a small meal beforehand, watched everyone else eat at the festival, then eaten another meal when we finally get home after 9 PM. This year, I wanted to eat at the event. A few weeks ago, I bought a couple Blender Bottles from The Vitamin Shoppe near my house. They were $10 apiece but I didn't think I'd find them anywhere else so I went ahead and got them. Then, a few days later I saw a whole bin full of them at Bed Bath & Beyond for $6 each. Happens every time, right? Anyway, they are the perfect size for me to store a meal, they're simple to clean, and have a wide enough mouth for easy pouring. 

BPA Free!!!! Whatever that means.

So, I blended up some leftovers (tilapia, potato soup, blueberries, and a slice of gluten-free banana bread Betsy made for the festival) in the Blendtec and put them in a Blender Bottle before we left. 

I have to admit that it still takes me a lot of courage to eat in front of other people, especially strangers. I know what you're thinking, "If it's so hard for you, Brian, why do you have a blog about publicly tubefeeding??" Well, the truth is, no one actually reads this blog, so it's really more of a "diary"....HA HA HA! Just kidding, thousands of people read this blog every day. Tens of thousands. I get a million hits on this blog every week. My blog's been featured on Oprah. It's been translated into 27 different languages. It'll be the action-packed summer blockbuster of 2014.

Back to reality. If I'm with friends or family sitting around a more intimate table at a restaurant, I'm more comfortable. However, at the Moon Festival I was sitting at a picnic table, surrounded by families I hadn't met before. My feeding tube holder wouldn't fit on the edge of the table, so it was awkwardly clipped at a low angle. The bench I was sitting on was closer to the table than I like to be. I stubbornly didn't ask Betsy to help and push my food in for me, because I didn't want to make more of a scene than I already was. Grace was sitting next to me and Betsy was having a nice conversation with the friendly mother seated across from us. I don't know if my food wasn't blended up enough (I doubt it; I blended for a while), or the tube holder was keeping the tube so low that it caused a kink in my tube, but my blend was proving to be really hard to push in. I should have asked Betsy to push in the food or added some water to the blend and shaken it up to be a little thinner, but I just pushed harder on the plunger. Of course, Betsy was in the middle of talking to her new friend when I pushed too hard, the tube popped off, and blended food spurted everywhere around me. I was extremely embarrassed, Grace was loudly complaining that I got food on her new shirt, and I don't know who else got the blend on them (this was a blend that included leftover fish too). Just a couple minutes before this happened, another guy at the table dropped his water bottle and got a few drops on me. I remember thinking, "that's real considerate; spills water on me and he doesn't even apologize?" So I just sprayed a fish blend on these people...great. I tried to mop up what I could with my dish towel, grabbed my tube and plunger, mumbled something to Betsy about going to the bathroom, and got the hell out of there.

So yeah, it's still really hard for me to tubefeed in front of strangers, especially when disaster strikes. I guess incidents like this will just give me more courage in the future. I can say, "Sure, I got a bad clog in my tube, but at least I didn't spray fish juice on everyone within a 10 ft. radius!"

So, other than The Infamous Fish Explosion of 2013 (that's what the pundits are calling it now) we had a really pleasant evening. Grace and the other kids made their own lanterns. Then, they listened to a story about the moon festival. After that they took a parade walk around the park--stopping along the way for a group photo. Finally, the best part of the evening (right when the full moon was rising!) was when each family lit a paper lantern and let it fly up into the night sky. It was a beautiful sight to see. Grace didn't want to leave and is already talking excitedly about next year.

Grace and best friend on the lantern walk

Group photo. I remember when Grace was the smallest one and sat in the front. *sniff, sniff 

Lighting the lantern

"Yep, it's on fire!"

Up they go! 100% environmentally friendly (at least that's what the box says)

I think she's laying in duck poop

The next blockbuster

Pasta Wars: The year is 3145 AD. A dystopian future where all food is tasteless pink goo and everyone eats through feeding tubes. There aren't even flying cars. Or personal jetpacks. On one cold autumn morning, our young protagonist is looking through his great-grandmother's old things when he discovers an ancient, handwritten index card, yellowed and brittle with age. On it, in flowing cursive, is a recipe for mac and cheese. His life, and the lives of all people who eke a living in that grim time, are forever altered by that event. 

Alternate story line - Type 2 Diabetes Strikes Back - Our young protagonist is digging in the barren lot outside his grey, blocky apartment complex when he unearths a box of Twinkie's. Astoundingly, the cream-filled cakes taste the same as the day they were made more than 1,000 years ago. Obesity once again threatens the earth.

George Lucas has been uninterested in my repeated attempts to sell him this storyline. I think this could be the breakthrough that sends his filmmaking career skyrocketing.

The Cheesecake Factory

Ah, The Cheesecake Factory. The factory where cheesecake is made. The place where cheesecake is born. 

"Mommy, where does cheesecake come from?" 

"Why, from The Cheesecake Factory, dear. Now shut up and stop asking so many damn questions."

Honestly, is there a restaurant with a better name than "The Cheesecake Factory"?? 

The Olive Garden? No, a lot of people don't like olives. I don't like olives. Do they only serve olives? I thought olives grew on trees. So shouldn't it be The Olive Orchard?

Aren't those grapes on your sign? Where's the olives, damn it???

Chili's? Does that mean all your food is spicy? I don't like spicy food. Or Mexican? It's not Mexican though. Or do you only serve chili there? I'm confused. I don't like to be confused about the place where I eat. Why name your restaurant after a spicy vegetable? Why not a vegetable for the everyman, like the potato? Let's all eat at Potato's! Potato Head? I'm getting off track.

Who wouldn't like Mr. Potato Head's?

The Outback? That's just a big desert in Australia. Why not call your restaurant The Sahara or The Gobi, because nothing makes me think about food like the thought of a place where THERE IS NO FOOD! COME ON, PEOPLE!!!!

There's an onion bloomin' out there somewhere; I know it!!

Ruby Tuesday? That name comes from a Rolling Stones song allegedly about Keith Richard's girlfriend, who was messed up on drugs (true story; look it up on Wikipedia). Sooooo...let's all eat at the crack house? Is that what you're saying? Do they even research this stuff before they pick out a name?? "OOHHH! Let's call our new restaurant 'Blurred Lines' after that new Robin Thicke song!!! Who cares what that song is about or what Miley Cyrus did at the VMAs; isn't the name cool??"

Sure, Keith, your "girlfriend" was the one on drugs

TGIF? No way. Are you only supposed to eat there on Fridays? And what about atheists? They're not thanking God it's Friday. Buddhists are thanking that big tubby dude. And he probably eats at The Cheesecake Factory anyway--or Dunkin' Donuts. Just look at him! Hindus are thanking multiple Gods that it's Friday. Or they're thanking cows. I'm an ignorant American so I honestly don't know. Regardless, TGIF is clearly not all inclusive.

"Thank Allah It's Friday! Because it's Ramadan and I still can't eat."

The Cheesecake Factory--now THERE'S a name!!! Who doesn't love cheesecake? Seriously, who doesn't like it because I will force it down your throat until you do!! Don't even talk to me about your lactose intolerance! Also, by naming their restaurant The Cheesecake Factory, they've guaranteed that every customer will get desert. Nobody goes to The Cheesecake Factory just for their salads. Do people go to Hooter's just for the food? Sorry, poor analogy; Betsy loves their fried pickles. Anyway, The Cheesecake Factory has every possible variety of cheesecake to choose from. From a casual perusal of their menu I count 31 varieties of cheesecake. 31!!! Strawberry, you ask? Yeah. Chocolate? Yep. Banana cream? That too. How about chocolate chip cookie dough?? Uh huh. But what about chocolate chip coconut cheesecake with layers of chocolate cake, brownie and coconut pecan frosting??? Oh yeah, that's called "Chris' Outrageous Cheesecake," so thank you, Chris, for that bit of craziness. "But Brian," you say, "do they have gluten free cheesecake??" As a matter of fact, dear reader, their Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake is flourless so you can eat it until you've entered a coma without feeling guilty. Well, except for the sugar. Too much sugar is frowned upon these days. What they really need is a low carb cheesecake with strawberries sweetened with Splenda. Wait, what??? They have that too?!? ARE THEY READING MY MIND?!?!?

I've gotten fatter just looking at it

So, a Cheesecake Factory opened here in Knoxville (less than a mile from my house!!!) a few months ago. Betsy's parents were visiting to see Betsy's youngest sister, Sarah's, baby and we wanted to go out to celebrate Sarah getting a new job. We figured the crowds had died down enough since the grand opening for us to get a seat at The Cheesecake Factory so I packed up the Blendtec and we headed over there on Friday. Before we went, Betsy called ahead and told them about me eating through a tube. They said no problem and told us to ask for Richard. We got there and the place was really packed, but we didn't have to wait more than a few minutes for a table.

The place where dreams come true

The Cheesecake Factory doesn't have a gluten free menu. Apparently, they are working on it and hope to come out with one at the end of the year. They do highlight some of their menu items that are gluten free or can easily be modified. I got the salmon with broccoli and mashed potatoes. As usual, I told them to put all the food in the pitcher, add a cup and a half of water, flip the Blendtec on, and hit the soup/fondue button. The blend came out well blended, if a little on the hot side. I thought about having them throw a slice of the Godiva chocolate cheesecake in there but I'm glad I didn't. The salmon meal was extremely filling and it was already a thick blend without adding cheesecake to it.

Grace is just thinking about cheesecake

Everyone else at our table liked their meals. Our waitress was excellent and Richard the manager was very attentive to my special needs. The one negative thing I'll say about The Cheesecake Factory is their cocktails. Betsy got an Asian Pear Martini, which was delicious. Then we got the bill. That martini cost $10.50!!! Betsy's mom got a Pomegranate Margarita, which we discovered was $10!! My advice is to drink water and get drunk on cheesecake.

Our excellent manager, Richard Potter

Oh, and I took my Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake home, ate it on Saturday, and it was delicious!! At least I imagine it was; I didn't taste it.

Camping

Betsy and Katie (Hey Brian, watcha doin.) share the same birthday--I say this because there may be one or two readers who don't understand the concept of "twins." Also Katie's husband Jimmy's birthday is the day before theirs, so we usually celebrate together with some sort of exciting activity (on their 30th birthday we all went skydiving). The weekend before the girls' 40th birthdays (I think Jimmy turned 87), we decided to start a yearly tradition where we all go camping. 

Betsy, it should be noted, does not like camping. She has been camping once before in Colorado. Betsy, Katie, Jimmy, my sister Ginger, myself, and two dogs went up in the mountains outside Colorado Springs and camped on a lake. Ginger and I hiked through the mountains to get there and the others drove around and met us at the site with the tents, food, and other equipment. This was also on Betsy's birthday, and I had the same idea that it could be the beginning of a yearly tradition. Unfortunately, something about the idea of being outside in constant rain, chasing after our dog as she ran off after a squirrel or neighboring camper, squabbling with each other over who got the broken tent, eating subpar food cooked on an unsteady gas stove, dirt and mud on herself on the food and in the tent, fighting with the dog and her husband trying to find sleeping space on an inflatable mattress designed for one did not appeal to her. Oh yeah, and there were signs everywhere warning us about bears. Betsy was a little worried about bears. 

A number of years have gone by since then though. I like to think we can reminisce and laugh about these things in the distant past.

"Remember that miserable night we had in the tent where Lilly kept pushing us off the mattress and you thought every little noise was a ferocious bear? Good times."

I figured maybe enough time has gone by for us to try to reintroduce the yearly camping tradition. So, Katie, Jimmy and I got Grace really excited about camping. Then we set a date and of course Betsy had to go because her daughter might get eaten by a bear, and the yearly tradition is alive again!!!

We camped one night on the eastern side of Great Smoky Mountains National Park at a lovely campground called Smokemont. In my opinion, this still isn't "real" camping because we didn't hike 10 miles to get to the site, there were actual bathrooms with running water (and toilet paper! Why use TP when a few sturdy leaves will suffice?), we were not out in the wilderness for days with no sign of modern civilization, and there was no real danger of being eaten by bears since other campers were all around us and they would've been eaten first. But, we'll slowly work our way up to that.

I didn't bring my blender out during the trip; kind of a bummer. Smokemont's handicapped camp sites had electric hookups, but they were for CPAP machines and couldn't handle the energy requirements of the Blendtec. I've heard about diesel powered blenders that people make margaritas with while tailgating. Maybe the people who make this blender would like to get me one and sponsor my next camping trip (hint, hint)?? This time, I blended two meals beforehand, one for Saturday night, and one for Sunday morning. The dinner blend was leftovers from a meal I had at Magnolia Grill the night before, and the breakfast blend was the same thing I have every morning (banana, egg, sunflower butter, almond butter, whole milk plain yogurt, and green tea). I poured each meal in travel thermoses and put them in a cooler so they wouldn't spoil. Some people put their blends in ziplock bags and freeze them beforehand when they travel but this gets a bit unwieldy for a one-handed guy like me. So I prefer containers. I heard about "Blender Bottles" available at most health food stores, so I think I'll look into that for next time. I also brought along Ensures camping for snacks between meals.

This is the point where I share the awesome picture I took of me at the campsite picnic table eating my meal through a tube with tent and campfire in the background. I promise I did have that picture on my phone and was all prepared to post it here. Then, a few days after we went camping, my phone got tired of living and leaped out of my shorts and into a nearby swimming pool. Or maybe I was a moron and foolishly went in the pool without taking my phone out of my pocket. I have dim recollections of this event. Regardless, I lost all my pictures. So, you'll have to settle with some photos Katie took of the trip.

Sleeping on gravel sure does suck when the air mattress has a hole in it

REAL camping doesn't have picnic tables. You eat in the dirt, and you like it! You love it!

Note the bathroom in the background. What, are we at the Ramada??

Grace and cousin Julie at the start of an arduous hike through the wilderness

The creek near our tent where the girls got to do some tubing

Betsy has TENTATIVELY agreed to go camping again, so the trip was a success! We'll be through-hiking the Appalachian Trail while living off the land in a couple years!!! By that time, we'll have perfected the Baby Bird Method* of tubefeeding where Betsy and Grace chew up food and regurgitate it into my tube.

*Patent pending