Can you give me a hand with this?

I don't want you to get the impression I'm a complainer. I'm not the type who sits around thinking, "Woe is me!" and griping about my lot in life. I think I'm extremely fortunate for countless things: friends, family, health care, money, my health in general is actually really good. When I come up against a setback I usually just adapt and keep on moving. Actually, Betsy says I don't complain enough, so I consider this blog to be my place to vent.

I'm extremely conscious of the fact that many people have it much worse than me. It's just therapeutic for me to bitch about my own problems sometimes so I can move on with my life. That being said,
this bag is the bane of my existence:

i hate you.

Betsy is gone to her most favoritest place on earth (Target), and I'm in the bathroom brushing my teeth. I'm extremely particular about my oral care because the last thing I need right now is more medical procedures inside my mouth--even something as minor as a cavity can turn into a big deal. Also, I don't like the dentist. At all. So, the more time I spend on daily mouth care, the better. Therefore, I try to floss every night, and because I can't floss two-handed, I use these floss sticks. 

Only problem is, they're sealed up in this bag. Have you ever tried to open a sealed bag with one hand? Go ahead. I triple-dog-dare you to try to open a sealed or zip-locked bag one-handed. I'll just wait here while you do that...

Still waiting...

No, don't just say you'll do it! I actually want you to try.

Don't think I'm not watching you through your webcam! I know some people who know some people who are related to people at the NSA. I can see everything you're doing right now (For Christ's sake, Jimmy, put some pants on!!).

So go find a bag and open it with one hand.

You did it right? BUT you had to bring out the big guns.

Not these big guns ("'Murica")

I was referring to these:

Every one-armed person's best friend

Getting out the scissors is my last resort, though. I consider it giving up. Technically, I have two arms and two hands. I have some limited use of my left hand and I have some tri-cep strength. I can try to keep my left thumb straight and brace it against one side of the zip-locked bag as I pull on the other side to open it. I tried to do that with the brand new bag of floss sticks. I also held one side of the opening down on the counter with my right index finger while pulling up on the other side with right thumb and middle finger. This can get bags open if the seal's not too strong. It wasn't happening with that floss stick bag though. The more I tried to open it, the more determined I became to not let the bag beat me. I dried my fingers completely, dried the bag and dried the counter. Nope. I yelled at the bag. Still shut. I tried using the force because I've been told I have an unusually high number of midichlorians (I took the test). Yet the bag was stronger in the force than I, apparently, because nothing I did made any difference.

When did my left arm get this useless?? 

I took a typing class in high school (on an electric typewriter; I'm old but not that old). I'm not one to boast, but I got to be pretty good at it--about 60 words a minute. I always thought it was the most useful course I ever had in school because no matter what my career path, typing is something I'd be doing for the rest of my life. About 2006--two years after radiation--I first noticed that my left hand wasn't as coordinated as the right. I could type, but not at the same speed. It's so frustrating to look down at your hand, mentally will it to move and watch it sluggishly respond. Then, over the months, my fingers got slower and slower. My arm got weaker and weaker. By the beginning of 2008, not only could I not move my fingers to type, I couldn't even lift my arm up to the keyboard. Do you know how maddening this is? I guess if you have ALS and you're reading this, you're rolling your eyes right now because you're going through the same thing with your entire body; so maybe you can just read this blog and laugh at my paltry problems.

I used to be able to juggle. As a kid, I spent a large amount of time in my room teaching myself to do it. First getting the knack of throwing one ball from hand to hand at the perfect height and speed. Then tossing one ball with the right hand and immediately throwing a 2nd ball with the left until I could manage two balls at once. Finally, getting the knack of juggling three balls at once and even doing little tricks. What, I didn't have a girlfriend, ok?? I was a dork with no life--is that what you want me to say?!? 

Anyway, this was a skill I thought I'd be able to use as long as juggling was cool. Seriously, when will juggling ever not be cool?? (You don't have to answer that) I figured I'd be able to wow my child with my circus skills; at least until she got embarrassed when I did it in front of her friends. But, of course I lost the ability to throw, or catch, a ball with my left hand. 

Simple tasks are impossible or take twice as long now. I already talked about how I can't floss. You ever tried to tie your shoes with one hand? Let me know if you've got the trick for that one. Ever try to cook with one hand? Ever attempted to tie a necktie with one hand? I met an usher at the local movie theater here in Knoxville who had his left arm amputated at the shoulder when he was young. He wore a tie every day for his job. I made him demonstrate how he did it one-handed and he did it faster than I could tie one with two hands. I still can't figure it out. It couldn't have been a 'Full Windsor' knot; maybe a 'Four in Hand'? I think I could do the 'Four in Hand' pretty easily, with practice, if I had to.

Not that I ever wear a tie anyway

I wouldn't have lost the use of the arm so quickly if I was left handed. Since my right arm is dominant, I could figure out ways to adapt. Can't type with two hands? I can still type pretty quickly with one. I didn't need to worry about having to relearn to write. I can still throw, and catch, a ball. I can open a bottle with one hand. Sometimes I just need to hold it between my legs. It was almost easy to lose my left hand. I took great pride whenever I figured out a way to adapt to my disability, never thinking about what I was losing by abandoning the use of my left hand. My friend Jesse Jones also can't use his left arm, but he's left handed. Maybe this is why it took longer for him to lose it than it took me. Granted, it's been much more frustrating for him to lose his dominant hand and relearn everything. Just another reason why I admire him (his 100-mile bike race is this weekend!).

So, I partly blame myself because I didn't work hard enough to maintain my left arm strength while I still could. Ultimately, though, Jesse still lost the use of his dominant hand, so I think it was inevitable with my sensitivity to radiation. Whosever's fault it is, it sucks, and I still can't open this damn bag.