Brixx Pizza

You can't really call yourself tube fed until you've managed to squirt a syringe-full of formula or blended food or crushed meds into your lap. I usually do this whenever I've failed to put a towel in my lap, thinking, "oh, this time I won't have any problems; why should I bother with a silly towel?"

And, you haven't really lived until you've not only sprayed yourself with blended food, but the other people at the table, the dog, the walls, the ceiling. It seems impossible that a little syringe-full of food could do so much damage, but I've done this. Multiple times.

Anyway, my mother was in town and we decided to go out to a local pizza place, Brixx Pizza. They make awesome--I've been told they're awesome, I've never actually tasted them--gluten-free pizza, and they have gluten-free beer and hard cider. Betsy talked to the manager when we got there and of course they had no problem with blending up my meal in my trusty Vitamix and bringing it out to me.

Getting my meal to be the right consistency to get through my tube is a fine art. I usually tell them to dump in the food, add about 12 oz. of water, and blend it on high for a couple minutes to be sure there are no chunks that may get lodged in the tube.

Many a steak has passed through here

Unfortunately, certain breads or starchy foods require more water to get a thin enough blend. Then, I run into the problem of requiring a large amount of fluids to get a whole baked potato through the tube. I ran into a similar problem with the pizza. They used 16 oz. of water and the blend was still pretty thick, but I thought I'd be able to muscle it in.

I am unable to use my left hand, so I use a syringe holder that a guy I met online invented to help him feed his tube-fed son. This also means that I'm not able to make sure my syringe doesn't pop out of the tube if too much force is applied to it. It just hangs there and usually stays on, but with especially thick blends or with stubborn clogs it may shoot off and spray me and the ones I love with food.

Needs to be patented

So, what I'm getting at is this happened at Brixx Pizza. I got blended-up pizza in my lap. I added a little water to the blend, stirred it up a bit, then gave it another shot.

It happened again. Another blend in my lap. I'm new to this blog, but the next time it happens I'll try to get a good picture of the mess and collateral damage so I can proudly post it for your viewing pleasure.

Next time, I'll try to spray strangers at other tables.