Can you give me a hand with this?

I don't want you to get the impression I'm a complainer. I'm not the type who sits around thinking, "Woe is me!" and griping about my lot in life. I think I'm extremely fortunate for countless things: friends, family, health care, money, my health in general is actually really good. When I come up against a setback I usually just adapt and keep on moving. Actually, Betsy says I don't complain enough, so I consider this blog to be my place to vent.

I'm extremely conscious of the fact that many people have it much worse than me. It's just therapeutic for me to bitch about my own problems sometimes so I can move on with my life. That being said,
this bag is the bane of my existence:

i hate you.

Betsy is gone to her most favoritest place on earth (Target), and I'm in the bathroom brushing my teeth. I'm extremely particular about my oral care because the last thing I need right now is more medical procedures inside my mouth--even something as minor as a cavity can turn into a big deal. Also, I don't like the dentist. At all. So, the more time I spend on daily mouth care, the better. Therefore, I try to floss every night, and because I can't floss two-handed, I use these floss sticks. 

Only problem is, they're sealed up in this bag. Have you ever tried to open a sealed bag with one hand? Go ahead. I triple-dog-dare you to try to open a sealed or zip-locked bag one-handed. I'll just wait here while you do that...

Still waiting...

No, don't just say you'll do it! I actually want you to try.

Don't think I'm not watching you through your webcam! I know some people who know some people who are related to people at the NSA. I can see everything you're doing right now (For Christ's sake, Jimmy, put some pants on!!).

So go find a bag and open it with one hand.

You did it right? BUT you had to bring out the big guns.

Not these big guns ("'Murica")

I was referring to these:

Every one-armed person's best friend

Getting out the scissors is my last resort, though. I consider it giving up. Technically, I have two arms and two hands. I have some limited use of my left hand and I have some tri-cep strength. I can try to keep my left thumb straight and brace it against one side of the zip-locked bag as I pull on the other side to open it. I tried to do that with the brand new bag of floss sticks. I also held one side of the opening down on the counter with my right index finger while pulling up on the other side with right thumb and middle finger. This can get bags open if the seal's not too strong. It wasn't happening with that floss stick bag though. The more I tried to open it, the more determined I became to not let the bag beat me. I dried my fingers completely, dried the bag and dried the counter. Nope. I yelled at the bag. Still shut. I tried using the force because I've been told I have an unusually high number of midichlorians (I took the test). Yet the bag was stronger in the force than I, apparently, because nothing I did made any difference.

When did my left arm get this useless?? 

I took a typing class in high school (on an electric typewriter; I'm old but not that old). I'm not one to boast, but I got to be pretty good at it--about 60 words a minute. I always thought it was the most useful course I ever had in school because no matter what my career path, typing is something I'd be doing for the rest of my life. About 2006--two years after radiation--I first noticed that my left hand wasn't as coordinated as the right. I could type, but not at the same speed. It's so frustrating to look down at your hand, mentally will it to move and watch it sluggishly respond. Then, over the months, my fingers got slower and slower. My arm got weaker and weaker. By the beginning of 2008, not only could I not move my fingers to type, I couldn't even lift my arm up to the keyboard. Do you know how maddening this is? I guess if you have ALS and you're reading this, you're rolling your eyes right now because you're going through the same thing with your entire body; so maybe you can just read this blog and laugh at my paltry problems.

I used to be able to juggle. As a kid, I spent a large amount of time in my room teaching myself to do it. First getting the knack of throwing one ball from hand to hand at the perfect height and speed. Then tossing one ball with the right hand and immediately throwing a 2nd ball with the left until I could manage two balls at once. Finally, getting the knack of juggling three balls at once and even doing little tricks. What, I didn't have a girlfriend, ok?? I was a dork with no life--is that what you want me to say?!? 

Anyway, this was a skill I thought I'd be able to use as long as juggling was cool. Seriously, when will juggling ever not be cool?? (You don't have to answer that) I figured I'd be able to wow my child with my circus skills; at least until she got embarrassed when I did it in front of her friends. But, of course I lost the ability to throw, or catch, a ball with my left hand. 

Simple tasks are impossible or take twice as long now. I already talked about how I can't floss. You ever tried to tie your shoes with one hand? Let me know if you've got the trick for that one. Ever try to cook with one hand? Ever attempted to tie a necktie with one hand? I met an usher at the local movie theater here in Knoxville who had his left arm amputated at the shoulder when he was young. He wore a tie every day for his job. I made him demonstrate how he did it one-handed and he did it faster than I could tie one with two hands. I still can't figure it out. It couldn't have been a 'Full Windsor' knot; maybe a 'Four in Hand'? I think I could do the 'Four in Hand' pretty easily, with practice, if I had to.

Not that I ever wear a tie anyway

I wouldn't have lost the use of the arm so quickly if I was left handed. Since my right arm is dominant, I could figure out ways to adapt. Can't type with two hands? I can still type pretty quickly with one. I didn't need to worry about having to relearn to write. I can still throw, and catch, a ball. I can open a bottle with one hand. Sometimes I just need to hold it between my legs. It was almost easy to lose my left hand. I took great pride whenever I figured out a way to adapt to my disability, never thinking about what I was losing by abandoning the use of my left hand. My friend Jesse Jones also can't use his left arm, but he's left handed. Maybe this is why it took longer for him to lose it than it took me. Granted, it's been much more frustrating for him to lose his dominant hand and relearn everything. Just another reason why I admire him (his 100-mile bike race is this weekend!).

So, I partly blame myself because I didn't work hard enough to maintain my left arm strength while I still could. Ultimately, though, Jesse still lost the use of his dominant hand, so I think it was inevitable with my sensitivity to radiation. Whosever's fault it is, it sucks, and I still can't open this damn bag.

Bonefish Grill

Betsy's twin sister, Katie ("Hey Brian, watcha doin"), and her husband, Jimmy, came up from Atlanta to visit last weekend. Although they talk on the phone, and on FaceTime, multiple times a day, Katie and Jimmy don't often make the drive up to visit (to be fair, we don't regularly drive down to see them). So Betsy is always pestering her sister about coming up to see us. 

I mean ALWAYS pestering Katie. EVERY time they talk. It wouldn't be so bad if Katie didn't promise she was coming up, then change her mind at the last minute.

Here's how a typical week's conversation goes:

Monday

Betsy: "Katie, you coming up this weekend"

Katie: "Uh, what day is that? 13th? Yeah we can come up!"

B: "Awesome! I have so much stuff for you guys to do!" [Note: Betsy putting her to work so often may be a contributing factor in Katie's decision not to visit]

Tuesday

B: "You're still coming up, right?"

K: "When, THIS weekend?"

B: "Yes, Saturday! We need Jimmy to clean out the gutters and patch up the hole in the garage ceiling. I need you to help me plant the garden and pressure wash the driveway! You'd better be coming up here!!!" [I really think Betsy should hold off on the list of prospective chores until after they arrive]

K: "Uh...yeah I think we can make it up...we'll see..."

Wednesday

B: "What time are you getting here on Saturday?"

K: "Oh...uh...I don't think we can come up"

B: "Why not??"

K: "Well, there's supposed to be a lot of traffic that day and it might rain"

B: "So?!?"

K: "It'll be nice in Atlanta. I think we're just going to go dirt-bike riding"

B: "What?!? You promised you'd be here!!!"

K: "Well...maybe we can still come. We'll see"

Thursday

B: "Grace is really excited about seeing you!"

K: "Yeah...we're not coming up this weekend"

B: "Why do you ALWAYS do this?!? Just come up!!

K: "I just don't feel like driving up that day"

B: "Come on, Katie. Just come up"

K: "Sorry"

B: "Katie! Come up!"

K: "What's Grace doing?"

B: "She's crying because you're not coming up. Tell her, Grace!"

G: "Daddy, Pete and Repeat were on a boat. Pete fell off. Who was left?"

Me: "Repeat"

G: "Pete and Repeat were on a boat. Pete fell off. Who was left?"

Me: "Repeat"

G: "Pete and Repeat were on a boat. Pete fell off. Who was left?"

Me: "Repeat"

G: "Pete and Repeat were on a--"
B: "Be quiet you two!! Katie, Come up!!"
K: "We can't do it. It's too late now; we already made other plans"
B: "Fine. I'm not talking to you"

Friday
K: "Hey guys, watcha' doin?"
B: "Hey Katie, you'll never guess what happened to me today!!"

The following Monday, the same conversation plays out. Katie will always promise to come up, Betsy will get excited, Katie will decide to stay home, Betsy's hopes will be crushed. Grace and I are subjected to the ensuing sibling bickering.

But, last weekend, they drove up!!! Admittedly, it was so they could retrieve a trailer that was stolen from them the last time they visited and they were only staying the night. Yet it was a visit nonetheless!! Jimmy patched up our garage ceiling from that time I fell through it and they helped pressure wash the driveway--it's crazy how the only time anything seems to get done around here is when they are in town.

So, since they were here, we decided to go out to eat. Betsy and I really wanted to go to Bonefish Grill because they have a great gluten-free menu and we hadn't been there in a while (since before I started bringing my Vitamix to restaurants). Katie and Jimmy agreed, and we went on Friday night.

Grace is getting better at photography

We had to wait a few minutes until our table was ready, but it was great weather and we didn't mind sitting outside.

Come for the 'Bang Bang Shrimp,' Stay for the Memories!! And the bill...you need to pay the bill.

I ordered the rainbow trout, but the waitress said they were all out of trout, so I got the salmon with fresh vegetables and asparagus. The restaurant had no problem putting my meal in the Vitamixer. It was freezing inside, but they blended my dinner really hot so I was happy pushing it through the syringe.

Grace photobomb

Dining out with Katie and Jimmy is always an experience. They invariably find something wrong with their meal every time. Meat is overcooked, undercooked, service is slow, restaurant is too cold, lights too dim, meal too expensive, waiter too rude, no silverware, hair in soup, food too greasy, portion too small, too big, too cold, too hot, they've seen it all. At one restaurant in Florida, they ordered the Surf 'N Turf, only to discover that they'd gotten the "Surf OR Turf" (seriously, have you ever heard of Surf OR Turf???) and had to choose between fish and steak. Then the waitress brought the meal out, dropped it on the floor, and acted like it was Katie' and Jimmy's fault. There was a huge scene and, long story short, they are never returning to that place.

So what was up with Bonefish Grill? Here they are judging their dinners:

That was the only bite Katie had of her fish taco

Other than the Bang Bang Shrimp, which everyone agreed was awesome, the two food pessimists were less than satisfied. Their concerns were legitimate. Jimmy's 6 oz. filet mignon was the size of a meatball and the quality of the meat wasn't that great for the price. The fish in Katie's fish taco was dry and she really didn't like the taste of the mango salsa. She only had one bite out of three tacos, so the restaurant was kind enough to take her entree off their bill.

From their standpoint, Katie and Jimmy are extremely unlucky when it comes to eating out. They acknowledge that they're hard to please and most restaurants just don't get it right. From an outside perspective, it might seem as though they are far too finicky about their meals and not allowing themselves to simply enjoy eating out with their family. Hypothetically, someone who eats through a feeding tube might go so far as to say that they're very lucky to be able to taste their food in the first place. Hypothetically.

Grace LOVES her Uncle Jimmy

Hope you guys hurry back!! Grace wants you to build her a tree house!!!

eMeals

I am not a chef.

OK, maybe I'm not this bad, but it's close

I am incapable of looking at various ingredients in our pantry and thinking, hmmm, an onion, potato, avocado, can of baked beans, can of mandarin oranges, and a can of tuna...AHA!!!! I know exactly what to do with this, and it will leave my seven year-old licking her plate!!! Nope, more than likely, I would leave those cans there, tell the family to fend for themselves and break out a Real Food Blend. Wait...did I just endorse a company--Real Food Blends--in the middle of endorsing another company--E-Meals?? I sure-the-hell DID!!! Now go shop at Target  (Expect More. Pay Less) and treat yourself to a meal at Red Lobster (Sea Food Differently) tonight!

I've had my share of cooking mishaps, set the fire alarm off a number of times, produced meat that was still bloody inside, rice that was crunchy, scrambled eggs that were brown, hamburgers that could double as hockey pucks.

I tried cooking a pizza on a wooden cutting board in the oven once...I'm not a smart man

I've tried baking birthday cakes a number of times for Grace and they've been disasters. The frosting oozing off the side like some sort of yellowish sludge. The layers sliding apart until the cake resembled a leaning tower on the verge of toppling over.

I guess my cakes could've been worse though

At the beginning of our marriage, Betsy and I split cooking duties. We each had a couple meals we'd picked up from our mothers (mine were fried rice and spaghetti), and we would add hamburger helper, tuna helper, or mac and cheese to the rotation. Neither of us were big eaters, and cooking was a chore we put the least amount of effort in.

Then, I lost the ability to eat in April, 2009, and started blending my meals in December. Ironically, I lost the ability to taste my food, but grew fascinated with all aspects of cooking. I started out depending on AllRecipes.com. I only cooked meals that appealed to me with four and a half stars or more. I got bored if I made the same meal twice, so I tended to try new dishes as often as possible. Some were hits and some misses. I have a huge stack of AllRecipes meals that I printed out with notations on each one for how they tasted and which ingredients to try for next time.

This worked out pretty well for a while, but I started running out of ideas. I also found out that eating gluten and legumes caused the eczema that had been bothering me for years. Around the same time I discovered eMeals.com. EMeals is a genius website for hopeless chefs like me. For a small monthly cost ($5 a month), you get a weekly meal plan that includes a different entree and side every night. They offer a wide variety depending on your diet (vegetarian, paleo, gluten-free, diabetic, Mediterranean, 30-minute meals, there's a big list).

Here's an example of the meal plans. I have the gluten-free any-store plan

The best part is, you also get a shopping list that you can tailor, depending on where you shop (Kroger, Publix, Safeway, Target, Walmart, Costco, Whole Foods, etc.). The grocery list allows you to get everything you need for the week, without worrying about running back to the store every other night for a forgotten item.

They even divide the grocery list so you're not wandering all over the store searching for each ingredient

So now I do all the cooking and the best part is Betsy can boast to all her friends that her husband creates 'gourmet meals' every night (compared to what we were eating, these are definitely gourmet meals). My reputation in the kitchen has gone from this:

I like this picture on so many levels; especially the frowny face

To this:

Maybe not exactly like this...Grace doesn't like asparagus

I strongly encourage anyone to try out eMeals. It has greatly simplified our lives and helped us eat more healthy, varied diets.

Home Alone

Betsy left me.

She took the kid with her, but I got to keep the dog. And the chickens.

We're all alone. Aspen and me. Me and Aspen. Just a couple of bros. Walking around the 'hood, sniffing butts and peeing on flowers.

He stayed home while I did that stuff

OK, Betsy didn't 'LEAVE ME' leave me. They just went to her parents for the long weekend. I am extremely fortunate, and not only because I have my wife to tie my shoes, wash my undies, and be my advocate. I'm also lucky because Betsy can take off for a few days and I'm able to survive on my own.

No more than a few days though. Any longer and I get up to crazy shenanigans like that time I fell through the attic floor and onto the car. Funny story. I should share it sometime.

Would've been cooler if the hole was body-shaped like on Looney Tunes

I know plenty of people, both tubies and those facing some other type of disability, who require constant care. I have a friend who is a combat disabled veteran. He has a Traumatic Brain Injury and is currently on two types of seizure medication. Just when he thinks his seizures are under control, he has another complex partial. As a result, he is unable to drive and has to rely on his wife to be his chauffeur. She also has to be his advocate and do things like remind him to take his meds because of his memory problems. He could not be left home alone, so I count myself very lucky to have so much independence.

I do most of the cooking for our small family, so when Betsy and Grace leave, I tend to do the bare minimum for dinners. I have one recipe that is my 'go-to' dish in the evening:

I bet these taste REALLY good together!!

Yep, just a sweet potato, a can of sardines in olive oil, and a braeburn apple (because all those other types of apples taste like cardboard next to the braeburn; don't try to tell me different). I've calculated that this is the healthiest meal I can have with the least amount of effort.

"But Brian," you protest, "that sounds really disgusting! How can you stand to look at that concoction (and smell it), knowing it's destined for your stomach??"

Well, let's see how it looks after I've cooked the sweet potato.

"GET IN MAH BELLY!!!"

Huh. Still looks kind of gross. Oh well, it's not like I have to taste it or anything.

Into the Vitamix with you!

After blending it turns the same color as just about everything else I make so I can pretend it's chicken.

Except for that revolting odor

There are definitely benefits to being home alone. I get to use the bathroom with the door open (that reminds me, don't pop in unannounced when I'm home alone; there are some things you can't un-see). I can go to bed whenever I want, listen to whatever kind of music I want, read without interruption, and I don't have to clean the house until right before Betsy gets back. 

On the other hand, it gets pretty lonely real fast. Plus there are all sorts of things Betsy does around here that I don't appreciate until she's gone. Since I can't use one arm, it's very frustrating to perform any type of upkeep on the house. Just something as simple as hanging a picture on the wall is impossible for me to do. Betsy does most of our finances, usually makes the calls for my medical appointments, and generally lifts my spirits. Grace is the one who gives my life meaning. So, while I can get by when I'm left by myself, my happiness and survival greatly depend on the two ladies in my life.

I told Aspen to take this but he wouldn't even get up, lazy bastard

I really wanted to post a picture here showing Aspen shedding all over Betsy's side of the bed or peeing on the rug, or me doing a keg-stand in the living room. Just something that Betsy wouldn't find out about until she read the blog. Unfortunately, I didn't think of it until just now, so I'll leave a placeholder here. Next time I'm home alone there will be an EPIC photo of me trashing the house!!!!