I nearly died the other day

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while, but I was moments away from death last week.

Ok, I was definitely at risk of dying.

Ok, ok, there was a slight chance I was going to die.

Alright fine, I fell down, broke several bones, drove the car to the ER while in blinding pain, and I'm currently in the ICU encased in a body cast.

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!!! I fell down on some rocks and it really hurt. Are you happy?!?

I turn 40 next month. It's crazy how the older I get, the more one fall has the potential to inflict some serious damage. In this case, no broken bones, but I was so sore I could barely walk the next day, and it still hurts to take a deep breath.

How did this happen? Let me set the scene. 

I love taking my dog, Aspen, for walks. He is the perfect dog for walking. He never pulls on his leash. He loves being outside, doesn't care how cold he is (obviously; he's a freaking polar bear), and really enjoys exploring new places. 

He especially likes hiking in the snow. We get a TON of that in Eastern Tennessee!

I've been all over Knoxville with him--to every park I can find. My favorite place to go with Aspen is Ijams Nature Center. Ijams is a beautiful natural area on the Tennessee River just outside downtown Knoxville. There are hiking trails all over with a boardwalk along the river and plenty of wildlife scampering through the woods. The park is never overly crowded and has just enough hints of wildness that you can forget for a moment that you are still near the city.

I had to show Betsy and Grace the scene of the accident yesterday

On a whim, I took my handsome, noble pet to Ijams last Thursday. It was a perfectly crisp fall day--still fairly early in the morning so few people roaming the trails in the park. Normally, I took Aspen on a loop along the boardwalk by the river. But, he gets bored if we go the same route. I can tell when he's bored because he no longer stops to sniff every foreign object along our route. Instead, he just walks, glumly behind me. He steadily falls further and further behind, until I'm practically dragging him back to the car. So instead of hiking down to the river's edge, I chose a different route that first climbed up to a river overlook, then meandered down past a sinkhole and over a swampy area back behind--and probably 100 ft below--the park visitor's center.

Grace loves packing a really heavy backpack...then making us carry it

Such a beautiful morning for a hike. The autumn leaves carpeted our path and the high canopy of the older trees dimmed my surroundings and kept undergrowth away so I had a mostly unobstructed view of the rolling landscape and small woodland creatures surrounding us. Not another person in sight; only the peaceful sounds of nature that were so far removed from our suburban life across town. My fiercely loyal pet and I wandered, first following a tributary of the river, then circling around the visitor's center and some other historic buildings. As I said, we ended up far below the parking lot, on a series of boardwalks in a marshy area. By this point of the hike, I was tired, and--as so often happens on our morning walks these days--feeling the call of nature and in need of a bathroom.

His camouflage is amazing, isn't it?

So, I'm standing down there looking up this steep incline at the back end of the visitor's center, knowing our vehicle is within easy reach, ready to just get this walk over with so I can find the nearest restroom and do my business. The trail seemed to continue on, with a series of steep stairs cut into the hill and a rope railing leading up about 20 feet. 

Looks safe to me!

With my best friend at my side, I climbed those stairs, thinking there would be a trail leading me straight back to civilization. Instead, the path abruptly ended. That was it. The only way I could get back was retracing my steps and following the winding trail back over the roughly 10 miles* I'd just hiked. I looked my steadfast companion in the eyes and we decided to take a little shortcut, even though we'd just passed a sign warning us to stay on the trail.

Actually, it was this sign

Aspen swore he would help me over the difficult parts. I knew I could rely on my dog--just as early man depended on the first domesticated wolves for our survival. I set off up the mountain with my partner cautiously picking out a path in front of me. With only one working arm and my left leg weaker than the right, I couldn't race up the rocky hillside like I could've done a decade ago. But, I made steady progress with my furry white knight leading the way.

The hill I climbed looked strikingly similar to this

I was nearly at the summit. I could see the tops of cars and the pressure from my bladder had me in panic mode. Then, disaster. My left foot slipped on the moist ground. My left arm couldn't catch my body and there was nothing to prevent my left side from slamming against the sharp rocks embedded in the hillside. I emitted a sharp cry of pain and maybe a profane word or two as I wallowed in the dirt and leaves in agony. As I vainly tried to count the number of broken bones, I cried out for my friend, my loyal companion, the pet who I've fed and sheltered for countless months to come to my rescue!!

Did he come rushing back to my side? Did Aspen immediately rush off to find help or medical assistance?? Nope. The fat bastard just scrambled the rest of the way up the hill and without a backward glance, he walked away as though declaring, "I never really liked that dude anyway. Anybody want to finish my walk with me?"

"Thanks a lot, lard-ass," I muttered to the no-good mongrel as I painstakingly dragged my body the rest of the way up the hill and slowly limped back to the car. The hairy, conniving traitor, as though coming to the realization that the park was deserted and no one was likely to rescue him from his incarceration with the Liebenow's, trotted back to me and climbed into the car. As he sat in his preferred spot in the front seat, slowly drooling on the dashboard, he gave me a look that said, "Guess you didn't die back there after all. Since you're the only human around, I suppose I'll have to abide your company a while longer. You just gonna stand there staring, you scrawny punk?? Let's go!!!" Yes, his look said all those things. He's a very expressive animal!

Somehow, I was able to drive through the pain and dragged myself home. I managed to whine to Betsy enough that she took me in to see the doctor. I was certain I had a few broken ribs and a cracked pelvis but the X-ray came out completely clean. A couple days later, my hip was feeling better but my chest was hurting even more. I couldn't even take a full breath without being in pain. So this time, I got a CT scan because surely I had multiple fractured ribs that the X-ray failed to catch. Nope. All that extra radiation from the CT scan was for nothing because I only had badly bruised ribs. The only positive thing that's come from this experience is that I've gotten out of even more chores around the house. Also, I've come to see my evil, self-serving dog in a whole new light. 

Oh Aspen, how can I stay mad at you??

* This may, or may not, be accurate. Could've been 5 miles. Could've been 0.5. The truth is we'll never know just how far that return journey would've been. Hey, aren't we all on our own separate long journeys called 'life?' Think about it. 

Fulton's Crab House

On our last night in Orlando, we all went out to eat in Downtown Disney. In case you didn't know, Downtown Disney is an area of shops, restaurants and clubs near the Disney parks. It is Disney World's attempt to keep the tourists spending their money on all things Disney every minute they're in Orlando. So, not only are you blowing your money on hotel rooms, parking, Magic Kingdom passes, lunch and snacks; you can also bring the kids to Downtown Disney after hitting the parks for Cirque du Soleil, the Lego Imagination Center, and dinner at the Rainforest Cafe.

Kerrie and Betsy discovered they have something in common. They are both CRAZY about crab legs. I wrote about Betsy's obsession with crab legs in another post (link). Kerrie is about that bad--maybe a little worse. So, we decided to go to a crab leg mecca in Downtown Disney: Fulton's Crab House.

It's on a boat...how clever

It was such a lovely dinner. Matt's kids and Grace played quietly down at one end of the table while the adults could enjoy cocktails and talk at the other end. Or maybe the kids weren't at our table at all. I lost track of them but I'm sure they were fine.

I had a drink called the "Category Five." Then Betsy drank it.

I fully intended to get nice and tipsy during the meal, but for once Betsy decided I should be the responsible one that night. She finished off her martini, then proceeded to drink some of my "Category Five." Not sure what was in that thing, but by the end of the night my wife was singing loudly with a saxophone street performer playing "Billie Jean."

Then we got to the meal and Betsy and Kerrie tuned the men out as they attacked the poor crustaceans with gusto.

These innocent morsels never knew what hit them.

On the surface, Kerrie appeared to be enjoying her meal and politely devouring her crab legs:

"Om Nom Nom Nom"

But, if you look a little closer at her face, you'll notice something fascinating:

The Zombie Apocalypse has begun!!

I really loved this restaurant and wanted to give it a special mention on my blog because the chefs were so amazing to me. When I ordered my meal, THREE chefs came out to ask me about my feeding tube, the Vitamix, and make doubly sure they knew how to blend up the food the way I needed it.

Fulton's chefs are the best chefs

Fulton's bent over backward for me. The food was excellent. The service was fantastic. We couldn't have asked for a nicer family to share this dinner with. It was the perfect end to an awesome vacation. It's always a little bittersweet to talk with friends I knew before cancer. It reminds me of all the things I've lost, physically. But at the same time, it brings back memories of happier times and assures me that no matter how crazy my life gets and how much crap I go through, good friends will always be there to listen to me, to support me, and to punch me in the balls when I get too full of myself.

Cheers, Dunker's!!

Happiest Place on Earth: The madness continues

The next park we went to was Animal Kingdom. I was really excited about this park because I'd heard great things about it, but I was a little disappointed. It was the busiest park we went to so it was hard to squeeze through the press to see the animals. I can see most of the same animals at the zoo here in Knoxville and it's a whole lot less crowded. The safari was kind of lame; the animals weren't very close. At no point did I think I was on a real safari. I think the younger kids liked it, but whoever said Disney World is all about the kids?!?

The most I can say about Animal Kingdom is that they serve a tall cup of sangria:

Get it without ice to get you through the next line

I didn't learn my lesson and brought the blender, again. We left it at the first aid station near the front of the park and never used it. I had a Real Food Blend for lunch at one of the cafes.

With a sangria chaser

As I mentioned, the animals in Animal Kingdom were disappointing. The roller coaster they had, "Expedition Everest" was definitely my favorite of the whole trip though. It's the only one I went on twice. Betsy's favorite was "Space Mountain". I went on that one when I was a kid, but I was afraid to go on it this time because I thought it might jerk my head around too much.

 Video of "Expedition Everest" I pulled off youtube

Grace tried "Thunder Mountain Railroad" in Magic Kingdom then decided to opt out of roller coasters. While she waited with one of the adults for the rest of us to hit the scary rides, she discovered her talent for the "Whack-a-Mole" game. She is crazy-good at "Whack-a-Mole!!" If only that had some bearing on her education.

The cane was a big help to me, or maybe we didn't walk around as much

Grace's favorite ride was the "Kali River Rapids." It's one of those rides where a large group faces each other in a circular tube as it careens down a river. The tube was large enough to hold our entire group. There were ten of us--five kids and five adults--on that tube. We all knew some people would get really wet and others would get to watch it happen as one side or the other went under a waterfall or was at the front on a steep decline. The Liebenow's were fortunate because Matt and Kerrie got soaked and we got to watch as the wall of water engulfed them. Grace talked about it the rest of the trip.

That night, for dinner, we picked up from Bonefish Grill and brought it back to the house. So, I really didn't need to bring my Vitamix out the whole day.

Bonefish Grill, good friends, and copious amounts of wine

For our final day in Orlando, we decided to go to Hollywood Studios. I finally chose not to bring the Vitamix into the park so that was one less thing to worry about.

Grace and Anders at the Hollywood Studios entrance

For that last day, we were really missing the other adult in our group, Matt's sister Melinda. Ah, I've just realized I don't have any pictures of Matt's totally cool sister on my camera! Sorry about that, Melinda, or maybe you're just as happy I don't lampoon you on here. She was a HUGE help with us corralling the kids and very fun to be around. After she went home to Chicago, the rest of the adults realized we had to be parents again.

In Hollywood Studios, I was determined to bring a Real Food Blend on a ride--maybe even eat a Real Food Blend on a ride. It was a photo opportunity too good to pass up. The "Tower of Terror" was too dark and I couldn't possibly imagine trying to pour a RFB while getting bounced around in that elevator. So, I set my sights on the "Rock 'n' Roller Coaster."

Eating a Real Food Blend at the entrance wasn't nearly enough of a thrill

I slipped the bag into my pocket as we waited nervously in line. Betsy and I planned out the photo. It looked like the shoulder restraints would prevent any kind of tube feeding plus there's no way to hold a camera while the thing was moving. So we decided to snap a picture as I jumped in, right before we took off:

Nailed it.

The ride itself was fun, especially the first part. The bit at the end jerked my head a lot though and wasn't too comfortable.

Once again, I had a Real Food Blend for lunch. And once again, I flushed it with a very large cup of sangria.

With all these little girls around, I see why Matt is bald

Wait for it...

"Happiest place on earth" indeed.

We'd heard great things about the "Toy Story" ride, so we bit the bullet and waited an hour in line to get on. It was our longest wait time of the 3 parks we visited. Having a lengthy wait time is much more fun with a group than it would have been with just the Liebenow's. We managed to pass most of the time playing an iPhone app called "Head's Up" where one person holds the phone to their forehead displaying a word and the rest of the group gets him/her to guess the word. I'm not so good at explaining it but there's a free version and it's very fun to play if you have time to kill. Everyone else in line was asking us for the app name. When we finally got to the ride, it was pretty fun but I don't think it was worth such a long wait. You sit in pairs and shoot different targets with a laser-tag-type gun. It took two hands so I was a little handicapped. That's my excuse for getting demolished by Matt at the game anyway. Plus I'm pretty sure he was cheating.

Toy Story photo op.

Can you believe there were no costumed characters (Mickey, Minnie, princesses, etc.) walking around in Magic Kingdom??? Only a few in Hollywood Studios.

We went out to eat at a really nice restaurant in Downtown Disney that I'll discuss in a separate post.

So that was the trip. The Dunker's stayed a few more Liebenow-free days but we felt the need to get Grace back to school.

Oh, I should also talk to you about this little monster:

Yeah. Those are his actual eyes.

The morning we were about to leave, I woke up and took a fast shower. This was the end of our journey. I was thinking fondly of the time we spent with the Dunker's and of how much I admired their children. No bickering; very little complaining; very respectful, responsible kids. I can't say enough good things about them. If Matt and Kerrie suddenly sent them to our house to live with us for 6 months, I would have no problem with it. You don't understand what that means. Did you know I can't stand kids? I mean I guess I could take in my sister's two boys for a few weeks but I'm contractually obligated to say that. Even my own kid is barely tolerable. But Matt' and Kerrie's kids are terrific. 

No gawking at my tube-feeding either. The other day, my neighbor's kid told me, "no offense, Brian, but your neck freaks me out." That's fine. I appreciate his honesty and I have no problem answering kids' questions but the staring makes me a little uncomfortable after a while. Avery, Sloane and Anders didn't do any of that.

So there I was, coming out of the shower, blissfully thinking about how fortunate I was to have been introduced to such wonderful children, contemplating how bright the future of humanity was with such an inspiring generation of youths coming of age. All of a sudden, I hear a blood-curdling scream as Anders leaps out of the dark to frighten me.

Scared the crap out of me. My heart stopped. I may have given a high-pitched squeal, cowered in terror and peed a little, but it all happened so fast I can't remember. The next thing I know, I hear fading laughter as the little bugger (actually, 'bugger' isn't good British slang to use, is it? No, screw it. Anders is a little bugger--I said it!) scampered off back to his room. 

All I can say is, your time will come, Anders. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But one day. One day.

The Happiest Place on Earth

Yep, we did Disney. Some adults immediately groan when they hear that. I'll admit there are some negatives when I think of Disney World. The crowds; waiting an hour or more in line surrounded by screaming kids for a 2 minute ride; the muggy, oppressive heat of Florida; and the cost--a one-day park pass can set you back more than a hundred bucks these days. However, in this case I was pretty excited. We went in October, so there weren't so many people. Lines were shorter. Also, it wasn't as hot. I mean, it got up into the mid-80s during the day; I was sweating in shorts. But I can imagine it is much worse in July. The military offers a sweet deal on 4-day passes for retirees, so the cost wasn't so bad. The best part: My friends Matt and Kerrie were going too, along with their three awesome kids!! Going to a park like that is SO much better when you're with friends. You're kind of forced to be on your best behavior, you know what I'm saying? If it was just the three of us, I can imagine there would be a lot more moaning and groaning (mostly by me) and bickering. I couldn't imagine a better family to go with either.

I think I mentioned earlier that Matt and I were roommates in college. Here's a grainy class photo (sorry, my scanner sucks):

The main idea here is that he used to have a full head of hair

Matt was the captain of our swim team and near the top of our class of ~950 athletically, academically and militarily. By contrast, I tried playing intramural water polo one time and I was really horrible at it and surprisingly out of shape. I was decidedly average both academically and militarily--I mentioned in a previous post that I'd gotten in a bit of trouble when I was a freshman for being "out of uniform."  I had a 2.99 GPA (you'd think they could've thrown in the extra 0.01 just out of pity, the bastards). Not bad, but not stellar either. I graduated about #350 out of 950. I think Matt was #12. Matt would go on to get his MBA at Cornell. The only reason Matt agreed to room with a low-life like me is because his options were limited and because he went to the same high school (Go Raiders!) as my good friend, Dave--the same Dave as that "out of uniform" post.

I guess Matt's views on streaking were fairly liberal or maybe he had a lapse in judgement. Regardless, he was stuck with me for our last semester of college. This is where Kerrie comes in:

She still has hair today--others weren't so lucky

Kerrie Gribuski (I'm not making that up; her name was Gribuski; I can laugh because people laugh at my name all the time) and I were in a class together our senior year, Engineering 410 or something like that. Kerrie worked with me on a class project in our dorm room just once, and Matt was smitten. Actually he probably knew her before that semester--I can't recall. Regardless, a few days later, he sent her a long, thoughtful note complete with poetry expounding on her beauty and how he longed to share an evening with her if only to gaze into her eyes. Then he whisked her off for an intimate, romantic evening that would bud into a loving bond that could not be torn asunder.

I'm just kidding. He sent her a terse e-mail that said "I need some Gribuski time!" Then he picked her up for their 'date' with two freshmen girls in the back seat who needed a ride. At the end of the night he got no kiss and it was several months before Kerrie agreed to go for a second date.

But anyway, Matt and Kerrie now have three awesome kids. It was so cool catching up with them, reminiscing about college and sharing a few days in the Disney parks. It was especially gratifying that Matt planned our park visits like the Normandy invasion and had apps on his phone that would show how busy the parks were on a given day and up-to-the-minute wait times for each attraction.

Our first stop was Magic Kingdom.

Anders, Grace's cousin Julie, Sloane, Avery, and a strange Chinese kid who photobombed our picture at Magic Kingdom

Betsy and Kerrie standing in line; we did a fair amount of that

One of these men is devilishly handsome. The other is bald.

We brought in my Vitamix because we thought I might need it later on if we decided to eat dinner in the park. That turned out to be a mistake. It was a pain to drag the suitcase into the park. Then, we had to check it in at the first aid clinic. We left the park before dinner so there was no point bringing it in. To anyone who wants to bring their blender into the park: yes, they'll let you bring it in and you can leave it up near the entrance to each park where the clinic is. When you're ready to eat, you can pull it out and bring it to the restaurant. There are some sit-down places where I could've brought the Vitamix. Or if I was really bold, I could've plugged up on the wall of any snack bar. Disney will bend over backward for anyone with special needs, in my experience. I'm sure there are exceptions, but they wouldn't make much money if they had poor customer service.

As I'm sure you're aware, the food in the park is expensive and isn't the healthiest (though I noticed the market in Animal Kingdom had fresh fruit, veggies, and gluten-free stuff beside the Cheetos). I'd recommend bringing your own blend in. Better yet, bring in a Real Food Blend because you'd need to refrigerate your own blend until you're ready for it.

The little one lost a leg in the Haunted Mansion...the rides seem perfectly safe

After that first day, I was really exhausted. My left leg was dragging. Just way too much standing in line and walking around. For the other two parks we visited, I brought my cane and it helped tremendously.

Getting one of my pre-made blends from home for dinner

Thought I could do this whole post in one fell swoop, but I'll have to split it up. I'll talk about Animal Kingdom and Hollywood Studios in the next post. Plus I'll discuss why this kid is a little punk:

Because he liked to scare me and it's not funny when I'm not the one doing that, ok??

Road Trip: Take 2

Two of my friends from college (Matt and Kerrie) are now married and residing in London. They have three kids ranging in age from 6 to 12. The family rented a large house in Orlando and had a few extra rooms they weren't using. They decided to share the space with old friends so they could reconnect and enjoy the Disney World parks together. Unfortunately, those old friends weren't available at the time. So, Matt and Kerrie contacted all their other friends to see if there was any interest in sharing a house with them and going to Disney. Their plan was to go during a week when most kids are in school, though, so every friend they asked was forced to turn them down. Desperate to find someone to share the week with them, Matt and Kerrie put an ad on Craigslist and offered to pay any family to stay with them in Orlando that week. Even homeless families. But there were no takers, and after exhausting every possible avenue, the couple reluctantly asked us to join them in Florida. Without a moment's thought for her educational future, we decided to pull Grace out of school and immediately began planning our drive down. Like it or not, the Liebenow's were crashing their Disney party!!

So, I needed a plan for potentially long days walking around the Disney parks with no access to my Vitamix to make my meals. I decided to store all of my breakfasts and a couple dinners in Blender Bottles. The rest of my meals--the ones I'd be eating in the park--would be Real Food Blends. The day before we left, I spent a couple hours preparing my blends. The breakfasts were a mix of hard boiled eggs, sunflower butter, almond butter, frozen mixed fruit, goat yogurt, and green tea. The dinners were leftovers from a chicken, radish and carrot meal I'd made the night before, along with the rest of my frozen fruit. I filled up all of my blender bottles:

Blender bottles are the perfect size for my meals

The bottles were packed in a couple small coolers. I also packed my Vitamix for the other dinners we shared with Matt and Kerrie plus clothes, meds, and my suction machine to clean errant drool out of my mouth before bed--ah, how I miss the days when I only needed one small suitcase for a trip like this. I threw Betsy' and Grace's crap in an old grocery bag (because this trip was all about Team-Brian; who cares what they packed??) and we set out on our journey.

This is the beginning of the trip; that's why she's smiling

Just for fun, we took her to an abandoned warehouse and told her it was Disney World

We set out in the afternoon on Friday. The plan was to drive down to Katie's ("Hey Brian, watcha doin") house in Atlanta, spend the night, then drive the rest of the way on Saturday. The drive down was perfect! No traffic AT ALL. I've never had such an easy drive in my life!!!

Or maybe it looked like this. I'm trying to repress those memories.

Yeah, we were stuck on the Interstate for a few hours and I saw an old man with a walker race by our car. Since it looked like we wouldn't get to Atlanta until late, we decided to stop at a Wafflehouse so Betsy and Grace could eat and I could get one of my blended dinners.

The restaurant was way too crowded, so I told everyone I had Ebola (too soon?)

Fortunately, the next day went pretty smoothly. I got up, had my breakfast blend along with some coffee, and we hit the road. The drive was about seven hours. Halfway down, I had a Real Food Blend at a gas station along the Interstate.

It's much more fun when I do this while I'm driving

We reached Orlando in the afternoon and picked up Grace's older cousin, Julie. She had Monday off from school and her parents (Betsy's sister and brother-in-law) asked if we could bring her to Disney with us for a couple days. Grace was extremely excited that Julie would be joining us!

They began bickering shortly after this photo...they never stopped

A few words about Julie.

Julie is a genius.

I don't mean 'genius' like when I tell people I'm a genius after I've figured out how to put together a piece of Ikea furniture. Sure, it's an achievement. But needing five hours to realize I had it upside down the whole time probably doesn't mean I get to join Mensa.

No, Julie is an actual genius. She recently had her IQ tested and she's up there in the 145 range. She goes to a special gifted and talented school. She is, for all intents and purposes, a smarty-pants. That's what makes the following story so intriguing. Is 'intriguing' the right word? Frightening? Bizarre? Stinky? You be the judge.

When we were living in Colorado, we took care of Julie for a few months in 2007. She was a cute, little two-year old girl doing cute little two-year old things.

What an adorable little angel!!! (Julie's kinda cute too)

She was still sleeping in a crib and we had a hell of a time getting her to lay down for naps during the day. Normally what we ended up doing was put her up in her room then close the door for a couple hours of 'quiet time'. She would just play in her room and no one had any delusions she was doing any sleeping.

Then, one day, I guess she got bored or decided to branch out with her artistic talents. We walked in to find this:

Wait...where did she get mud? What's that awful smell?? Oh my God!!!

No, that's not mud on her crib. The little angel decided to use all material at hand for her art, including the clay-like substance she produced in her diaper. We walked in to a God-awful stench with poop all over the crib, in every conceivable hard-to-reach spot, on the walls. She even climbed out of the crib to decorate the rest of her room. We stood there, stupefied, and tried to take in the sight, the smell, the shear magnitude of the cleaning job in our near future. Julie, just stood and smiled proudly, looking over her handiwork with pride as though it was a quilt she'd been working on that she could finally show off to the rest of the family. She softly uttered one simple word:

"poop"

Part of her handiwork included rubbing feces on some of her toys. Julie had a little dollhouse with dolls representing Aunt Betsy, Uncle Brian, and little baby Julie. I noticed that Aunt Betsy and baby Julie were completely clean while Uncle Brian had poop smeared all over him; as though Julie took particular satisfaction in dousing her dear sweet Uncle with her own excrement.

.

Poor, poor Uncle Brian

What did we learn here? What's the lesson to take away from this story? Geniuses need an outlet for their creativity, and they obviously need sufficient materials or they'll be forced to devise their own art supplies with less than desirable results. We've also learned that my sweet, angelic niece would like nothing more than to rub shit all over me. Don't believe me? Just take a look back at Uncle Brian up there. A good, long look.

Like staring in a mirror--a grimy, crap-filled mirror

So, we finally made it to Orlando, got into our beautiful house, and met Matt and Kerrie's awesome kids. Grace and Matt's youngest child started playing outside and didn't stop playing until they were thoroughly exhausted and needed to come inside for bedtime.

Or maybe they just sat on the couch and played Minecraft

We were ready to start our Disney adventure! Then, that night, the most astounding thing happened. Every person in that house in Orlando came close to death, met alien life forms, and had the most amazing experience that anyone has ever gone through in the history of our species. It all started when--

To Be Continued...

(I've always wanted to do that)

Buy a Vitamix, Save the World

Perhaps you've noticed the lovely ad depicted on the right hand side of my blog.

RIGHT HERE!!!!!!

------------------------------------------------------->

RIGHT HERE!!!!!!

It turns out that I do a little work for the Oral Cancer Foundation (OCF). Specifically, I'm helping them write their section on nutrition and feeding systems. If you have some time to kill and you're really interested in learning more about these topics, check it out (click here). Please give me feedback if you have any (some sections aren't finished yet). I really want to make sure oral cancer patients and survivors are able to make informed decisions about their nutrition. I know I technically had lymphoma, not oral cancer, but there are many people, like me, who have lost the ability to swallow due to the ravages of cancer or the aftereffects of treatment. Far too often, they're given a feeding tube with very little information about how to maintain it and what to put in it. Hopefully, they'll find their way to the OCF website and feel empowered enough to ask the right questions and make the right decisions about their nutritional care.

OCF recognizes that a balanced diet of real, blended food is far better for tubefeeders' health than canned formula. For this reason, they formed a partnership with Vitamix. Now, if you order a new Vitamix blender on the OCF website (OralCancerFoundation.org), Vitamix will donate 15% of the sale to the foundation PLUS you'll get free shipping.

I couldn't say any word of praise about the Vitamix that hasn't already been said everywhere else. Go back to the kitchen of your favorite restaurant and ask them what kind of blender they use. Chances are, it's a Vitamix. You know this is a blender for tubies if it can put up with years of use and abuse in a restaurant kitchen. Do you watch any cooking reality shows on TV? Top Chef? Master Chef? Iron Chef? The Taste? Hell's Kitchen? Food Network Star? Did you notice what brand of blender the contestants use (HINT: it's a Vitamix)? The industry recognizes that there is no better blender out there. The Vitamix will chop, pulverize and liquify ANYTHING you put in there.

It's how I got rid of the bodies of the people I killed

The blades of the Vitamix spin at 28,000 revolutions per minute. The tips are trucking along at over 240 miles per hour (don't stick your finger down there). At this speed, it doesn't just blend your food--it actually cooks the food as it's blending. You could make yourself a hot bowl of potato soup from raw ingredients. On cold days, I can heat up the blend for my feeding tube by letting it blend on high for a couple extra minutes. Don't take my word for the awesomeness of the Vitamix, check out Eric O'Gorman's entertaining blog post about it: Beige and the Attack of the 28000rpm Dentures.

To summarize go to your kitchen right now and grab that old Black & Decker / Hamilton Beach / Kitchen Aid piece of crap that you got 15 years ago that time you thought you'd make margaritas every night. Take it straight out to the trash can because it's not good enough to be donated to the poor. Then click that link over on the right side of this blog and treat yourself to a machine that does it all. You'll get free shipping and help the fight against oral cancer at the same time.

Jesse's Ride of the Century

Spoiler Alert: He rode 81 miles. 

WOW.  Jesse Jones (I did a blog about him earlier. He is the founder of DrinkYourMeals.com) took part in a 100-mile bike race in Hawaii and rode 81 miles. He is on supplemental oxygen, has limited use of his left arm, is unable to talk above a whisper, and eats through a feeding tube. He set a goal of 75 miles before the race started. Jesse rode 81.  

I can't help but compare this feat with my own fitness challenge earlier this year. I took part in a 60 mile hike, had a goal of 26 miles, and only managed about 16. I can only hang my head in shame and reiterate how proud and inspired I am about Jesse's race. 

Sidenote: I was extremely chagrined that I forgot to contribute to Jesse's fund to help cover the extensive costs for him to take part in the ride (sorry Jesse!). But I'm very happy that he met his goal and one of the people who helped push him over the edge is his friend, Princess Abigail, who is a member of Hawaii's royal family. The royal family who would be ruling Hawaii today if they weren't overthrown by two businessmen from Germany and Great Britain...Ok, ok, plus five American businessmen; but I'd rather gloss over that and focus on the German and the Brit here.

Anyway, Jesse gives all the details of his amazing ride far better than I ever could (though I couldn't help adding some humorous captions to his pictures because I have no shame). Here is his message:


---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aloha Friends & Family,

Up at 3 AM on Sunday and got to the starting line at 5:15. It was still dark. Over 2000 cyclists showed up to do the Ride. It was a very festive spirit. Someone from the Mayor's office spoke, the police chief spoke, and we had a Hawaiian prayer and the National Anthem was sung. At 6:15 AM the first Group A was released. I got permission to start in the A Group to give me maximum time. As it turns out I needed it. Groups B, C, and D were released at different times.

Drum roll - I rode 81 miles! I'm amazed at myself! What a day! We got real lucky in that it was overcast all day. At one point we were in a downpour for about 30 minutes. Believe me we didn't mind at all. The weather here in Honolulu has been a lot warmer than usual - in the 90s. Even paradise is affected by global warming.

It's not a real bike race if you haven't been lei'd...that came out wrong

I had 12 hours worth of batteries for my portable oxygen. I had packed three 1 Liter drip feed bags with 400 calories in each one plus one with electrolytes. Andrea my trainer carried one for me in her backpack.

We saw at least two different couples riding a bike for two. We saw two fathers riding with their young sons. I saw at least one young girl riding. The strangest thing we saw was a guy riding an elliptical that had been turned into a bike. That looked exhausting to me! He did pretty well. I saw him at the final turn around.

We were also lucky that we had no flats or bike problems. We saw many people along the way, mostly flats. Some people had to rest by the side of the road because of leg cramps. I did pretty well. No cramps, no aches or pains. I guess the endorphins were working for me! Every hour I stopped to hydrate and/or pee if I needed.

Looking Good!

I've told you I use a Hilltopper which lets me climb hills without huffing and puffing. I still have to pedal but it feels more like I'm pedaling on flat ground unless the hill is very steep. It operates on a battery and has a range of twenty miles. We got to the the second of the last two big hills in Hawaii Kai and the battery ran out! So I had to do the last hills by stopping often. Fortunately it takes me only a minute to recover and then continue on.

"Wait...this isn't oxygen...it's Nitrous Oxide!!!

When I picked up my registration packet on Saturday, one of the volunteers recognized me from the newspaper article and said she passed the info on to a friend who just finished surgery for esophageal cancer. If you live in Honolulu you might know Ted Tanaka. His wife Nancy got in touch with me and we're going to meet so I can give them info on tubefeeding. I am grateful that what I'm doing can inspire and encourage cancer survivors during their journey through the maze called cancer.

The picture on that sign is from my blog. So I did contribute something to the race.

I am grateful for the love and support I receive from each of you. Love of oneself, love of others, love of life. That's all that really matters don't you agree?

Nalani Kele, you are the love of my life. Your caring, all the little things you do to make life easier for me, your smile, your hugs, your kisses make all of this worthwhile. Thank you for being on this journey called life with me. 

Nalani is amazing! She's stood by Jesse's side through all his hardships

Is it just me or does he get more lei's in every picture?

Big mahalo to all those who gave to my gogetfunding campaign. I'm excited to report I reached my goal of $5,250. Thank you to Princess Abigail and Gail Worth for putting me over the top! I am honored to be called your friend.

Not sure who is the Princess and who is Mrs. Worth in these pictures. Or these could be complete strangers.

Pretty sure Jesse was just thinking about going home to take a nap at this point

Jesse is very fortunate to have so many lovely friends and family

My dear friend, Mahi Beamer, lives in Kailua. He is physically challenged with his lungs and is on oxygen 24/7 like me. As it turned out, the bike course went right by his street in Kailua. So I told him I would stop by for a few minutes to visit. We had a nice brief visit with him and Gaye. As I was getting ready to leave, TC, who was there taking pictures, presented me with a plaque from Princess Abigail Kawanakoa, designating September 28th as "Jesse Jones Day". I was humbled by the beautiful words that were written. I am blessed!

This is awesome. Unfortunately, every day in my house is "Grace Liebenow Day"

I am ever so thankful for Jay and Jayne Kim and staff at Eki Cyclery. I couldn't have done the Ride without the special attention you gave to making the bike work for me one handed and being tubefed. 

I am forever indebted to Andrea Rudder, the trainer who put in long hours with me without asking to be paid more. Andrea, you a trooper. Thanks for cracking the whip when I needed it! Your can do spirit lifted me many times.

The trainer for my hike was my dog and he's lazy, so that's my excuse

I arrived at the finish line at 4:30 PM just before the 5 PM deadline. I had expected to arrive about 3 PM but the breaks were a little longer and at the end more frequent. There is definitely a finish line high! I was thrilled to be greeted by my friends screaming and waving the "Celebrating Life" flags. Chad, the president of the Hawaii Bike League, announced me as I rode in. Nalani had befriended him and told him my history. It was all so special. Thank you so much for patiently waiting for me to arrive Bev, Kristel, Marmie, Wally, Ruth, Jerry, Cris, Doris, Dave, Linda, Kaui, Patty and Harry. A big thanks to Harry for providing the photos. Cris, Doris, and Dave are from my monthly Head & Neck Cancer Support Group at Queens. Great Warriors! David Goto, also from the support group, surprised me by being on the side of the road in Kaneohe with his motorcycle. He went with us to the turnaround.

SO COOL!!!!

Crossed the finish line with a shaka sign and a smile

Peace, love and joy always,

Jesse

You're amazing, Jesse!