Road Trip: Take 2

Two of my friends from college (Matt and Kerrie) are now married and residing in London. They have three kids ranging in age from 6 to 12. The family rented a large house in Orlando and had a few extra rooms they weren't using. They decided to share the space with old friends so they could reconnect and enjoy the Disney World parks together. Unfortunately, those old friends weren't available at the time. So, Matt and Kerrie contacted all their other friends to see if there was any interest in sharing a house with them and going to Disney. Their plan was to go during a week when most kids are in school, though, so every friend they asked was forced to turn them down. Desperate to find someone to share the week with them, Matt and Kerrie put an ad on Craigslist and offered to pay any family to stay with them in Orlando that week. Even homeless families. But there were no takers, and after exhausting every possible avenue, the couple reluctantly asked us to join them in Florida. Without a moment's thought for her educational future, we decided to pull Grace out of school and immediately began planning our drive down. Like it or not, the Liebenow's were crashing their Disney party!!

So, I needed a plan for potentially long days walking around the Disney parks with no access to my Vitamix to make my meals. I decided to store all of my breakfasts and a couple dinners in Blender Bottles. The rest of my meals--the ones I'd be eating in the park--would be Real Food Blends. The day before we left, I spent a couple hours preparing my blends. The breakfasts were a mix of hard boiled eggs, sunflower butter, almond butter, frozen mixed fruit, goat yogurt, and green tea. The dinners were leftovers from a chicken, radish and carrot meal I'd made the night before, along with the rest of my frozen fruit. I filled up all of my blender bottles:

Blender bottles are the perfect size for my meals

The bottles were packed in a couple small coolers. I also packed my Vitamix for the other dinners we shared with Matt and Kerrie plus clothes, meds, and my suction machine to clean errant drool out of my mouth before bed--ah, how I miss the days when I only needed one small suitcase for a trip like this. I threw Betsy' and Grace's crap in an old grocery bag (because this trip was all about Team-Brian; who cares what they packed??) and we set out on our journey.

This is the beginning of the trip; that's why she's smiling

Just for fun, we took her to an abandoned warehouse and told her it was Disney World

We set out in the afternoon on Friday. The plan was to drive down to Katie's ("Hey Brian, watcha doin") house in Atlanta, spend the night, then drive the rest of the way on Saturday. The drive down was perfect! No traffic AT ALL. I've never had such an easy drive in my life!!!

Or maybe it looked like this. I'm trying to repress those memories.

Yeah, we were stuck on the Interstate for a few hours and I saw an old man with a walker race by our car. Since it looked like we wouldn't get to Atlanta until late, we decided to stop at a Wafflehouse so Betsy and Grace could eat and I could get one of my blended dinners.

The restaurant was way too crowded, so I told everyone I had Ebola (too soon?)

Fortunately, the next day went pretty smoothly. I got up, had my breakfast blend along with some coffee, and we hit the road. The drive was about seven hours. Halfway down, I had a Real Food Blend at a gas station along the Interstate.

It's much more fun when I do this while I'm driving

We reached Orlando in the afternoon and picked up Grace's older cousin, Julie. She had Monday off from school and her parents (Betsy's sister and brother-in-law) asked if we could bring her to Disney with us for a couple days. Grace was extremely excited that Julie would be joining us!

They began bickering shortly after this photo...they never stopped

A few words about Julie.

Julie is a genius.

I don't mean 'genius' like when I tell people I'm a genius after I've figured out how to put together a piece of Ikea furniture. Sure, it's an achievement. But needing five hours to realize I had it upside down the whole time probably doesn't mean I get to join Mensa.

No, Julie is an actual genius. She recently had her IQ tested and she's up there in the 145 range. She goes to a special gifted and talented school. She is, for all intents and purposes, a smarty-pants. That's what makes the following story so intriguing. Is 'intriguing' the right word? Frightening? Bizarre? Stinky? You be the judge.

When we were living in Colorado, we took care of Julie for a few months in 2007. She was a cute, little two-year old girl doing cute little two-year old things.

What an adorable little angel!!! (Julie's kinda cute too)

She was still sleeping in a crib and we had a hell of a time getting her to lay down for naps during the day. Normally what we ended up doing was put her up in her room then close the door for a couple hours of 'quiet time'. She would just play in her room and no one had any delusions she was doing any sleeping.

Then, one day, I guess she got bored or decided to branch out with her artistic talents. We walked in to find this:

Wait...where did she get mud? What's that awful smell?? Oh my God!!!

No, that's not mud on her crib. The little angel decided to use all material at hand for her art, including the clay-like substance she produced in her diaper. We walked in to a God-awful stench with poop all over the crib, in every conceivable hard-to-reach spot, on the walls. She even climbed out of the crib to decorate the rest of her room. We stood there, stupefied, and tried to take in the sight, the smell, the shear magnitude of the cleaning job in our near future. Julie, just stood and smiled proudly, looking over her handiwork with pride as though it was a quilt she'd been working on that she could finally show off to the rest of the family. She softly uttered one simple word:

"poop"

Part of her handiwork included rubbing feces on some of her toys. Julie had a little dollhouse with dolls representing Aunt Betsy, Uncle Brian, and little baby Julie. I noticed that Aunt Betsy and baby Julie were completely clean while Uncle Brian had poop smeared all over him; as though Julie took particular satisfaction in dousing her dear sweet Uncle with her own excrement.

.

Poor, poor Uncle Brian

What did we learn here? What's the lesson to take away from this story? Geniuses need an outlet for their creativity, and they obviously need sufficient materials or they'll be forced to devise their own art supplies with less than desirable results. We've also learned that my sweet, angelic niece would like nothing more than to rub shit all over me. Don't believe me? Just take a look back at Uncle Brian up there. A good, long look.

Like staring in a mirror--a grimy, crap-filled mirror

So, we finally made it to Orlando, got into our beautiful house, and met Matt and Kerrie's awesome kids. Grace and Matt's youngest child started playing outside and didn't stop playing until they were thoroughly exhausted and needed to come inside for bedtime.

Or maybe they just sat on the couch and played Minecraft

We were ready to start our Disney adventure! Then, that night, the most astounding thing happened. Every person in that house in Orlando came close to death, met alien life forms, and had the most amazing experience that anyone has ever gone through in the history of our species. It all started when--

To Be Continued...

(I've always wanted to do that)

Buy a Vitamix, Save the World

Perhaps you've noticed the lovely ad depicted on the right hand side of my blog.

RIGHT HERE!!!!!!

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RIGHT HERE!!!!!!

It turns out that I do a little work for the Oral Cancer Foundation (OCF). Specifically, I'm helping them write their section on nutrition and feeding systems. If you have some time to kill and you're really interested in learning more about these topics, check it out (click here). Please give me feedback if you have any (some sections aren't finished yet). I really want to make sure oral cancer patients and survivors are able to make informed decisions about their nutrition. I know I technically had lymphoma, not oral cancer, but there are many people, like me, who have lost the ability to swallow due to the ravages of cancer or the aftereffects of treatment. Far too often, they're given a feeding tube with very little information about how to maintain it and what to put in it. Hopefully, they'll find their way to the OCF website and feel empowered enough to ask the right questions and make the right decisions about their nutritional care.

OCF recognizes that a balanced diet of real, blended food is far better for tubefeeders' health than canned formula. For this reason, they formed a partnership with Vitamix. Now, if you order a new Vitamix blender on the OCF website (OralCancerFoundation.org), Vitamix will donate 15% of the sale to the foundation PLUS you'll get free shipping.

I couldn't say any word of praise about the Vitamix that hasn't already been said everywhere else. Go back to the kitchen of your favorite restaurant and ask them what kind of blender they use. Chances are, it's a Vitamix. You know this is a blender for tubies if it can put up with years of use and abuse in a restaurant kitchen. Do you watch any cooking reality shows on TV? Top Chef? Master Chef? Iron Chef? The Taste? Hell's Kitchen? Food Network Star? Did you notice what brand of blender the contestants use (HINT: it's a Vitamix)? The industry recognizes that there is no better blender out there. The Vitamix will chop, pulverize and liquify ANYTHING you put in there.

It's how I got rid of the bodies of the people I killed

The blades of the Vitamix spin at 28,000 revolutions per minute. The tips are trucking along at over 240 miles per hour (don't stick your finger down there). At this speed, it doesn't just blend your food--it actually cooks the food as it's blending. You could make yourself a hot bowl of potato soup from raw ingredients. On cold days, I can heat up the blend for my feeding tube by letting it blend on high for a couple extra minutes. Don't take my word for the awesomeness of the Vitamix, check out Eric O'Gorman's entertaining blog post about it: Beige and the Attack of the 28000rpm Dentures.

To summarize go to your kitchen right now and grab that old Black & Decker / Hamilton Beach / Kitchen Aid piece of crap that you got 15 years ago that time you thought you'd make margaritas every night. Take it straight out to the trash can because it's not good enough to be donated to the poor. Then click that link over on the right side of this blog and treat yourself to a machine that does it all. You'll get free shipping and help the fight against oral cancer at the same time.

Jesse's Ride of the Century

Spoiler Alert: He rode 81 miles. 

WOW.  Jesse Jones (I did a blog about him earlier. He is the founder of DrinkYourMeals.com) took part in a 100-mile bike race in Hawaii and rode 81 miles. He is on supplemental oxygen, has limited use of his left arm, is unable to talk above a whisper, and eats through a feeding tube. He set a goal of 75 miles before the race started. Jesse rode 81.  

I can't help but compare this feat with my own fitness challenge earlier this year. I took part in a 60 mile hike, had a goal of 26 miles, and only managed about 16. I can only hang my head in shame and reiterate how proud and inspired I am about Jesse's race. 

Sidenote: I was extremely chagrined that I forgot to contribute to Jesse's fund to help cover the extensive costs for him to take part in the ride (sorry Jesse!). But I'm very happy that he met his goal and one of the people who helped push him over the edge is his friend, Princess Abigail, who is a member of Hawaii's royal family. The royal family who would be ruling Hawaii today if they weren't overthrown by two businessmen from Germany and Great Britain...Ok, ok, plus five American businessmen; but I'd rather gloss over that and focus on the German and the Brit here.

Anyway, Jesse gives all the details of his amazing ride far better than I ever could (though I couldn't help adding some humorous captions to his pictures because I have no shame). Here is his message:


---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aloha Friends & Family,

Up at 3 AM on Sunday and got to the starting line at 5:15. It was still dark. Over 2000 cyclists showed up to do the Ride. It was a very festive spirit. Someone from the Mayor's office spoke, the police chief spoke, and we had a Hawaiian prayer and the National Anthem was sung. At 6:15 AM the first Group A was released. I got permission to start in the A Group to give me maximum time. As it turns out I needed it. Groups B, C, and D were released at different times.

Drum roll - I rode 81 miles! I'm amazed at myself! What a day! We got real lucky in that it was overcast all day. At one point we were in a downpour for about 30 minutes. Believe me we didn't mind at all. The weather here in Honolulu has been a lot warmer than usual - in the 90s. Even paradise is affected by global warming.

It's not a real bike race if you haven't been lei'd...that came out wrong

I had 12 hours worth of batteries for my portable oxygen. I had packed three 1 Liter drip feed bags with 400 calories in each one plus one with electrolytes. Andrea my trainer carried one for me in her backpack.

We saw at least two different couples riding a bike for two. We saw two fathers riding with their young sons. I saw at least one young girl riding. The strangest thing we saw was a guy riding an elliptical that had been turned into a bike. That looked exhausting to me! He did pretty well. I saw him at the final turn around.

We were also lucky that we had no flats or bike problems. We saw many people along the way, mostly flats. Some people had to rest by the side of the road because of leg cramps. I did pretty well. No cramps, no aches or pains. I guess the endorphins were working for me! Every hour I stopped to hydrate and/or pee if I needed.

Looking Good!

I've told you I use a Hilltopper which lets me climb hills without huffing and puffing. I still have to pedal but it feels more like I'm pedaling on flat ground unless the hill is very steep. It operates on a battery and has a range of twenty miles. We got to the the second of the last two big hills in Hawaii Kai and the battery ran out! So I had to do the last hills by stopping often. Fortunately it takes me only a minute to recover and then continue on.

"Wait...this isn't oxygen...it's Nitrous Oxide!!!

When I picked up my registration packet on Saturday, one of the volunteers recognized me from the newspaper article and said she passed the info on to a friend who just finished surgery for esophageal cancer. If you live in Honolulu you might know Ted Tanaka. His wife Nancy got in touch with me and we're going to meet so I can give them info on tubefeeding. I am grateful that what I'm doing can inspire and encourage cancer survivors during their journey through the maze called cancer.

The picture on that sign is from my blog. So I did contribute something to the race.

I am grateful for the love and support I receive from each of you. Love of oneself, love of others, love of life. That's all that really matters don't you agree?

Nalani Kele, you are the love of my life. Your caring, all the little things you do to make life easier for me, your smile, your hugs, your kisses make all of this worthwhile. Thank you for being on this journey called life with me. 

Nalani is amazing! She's stood by Jesse's side through all his hardships

Is it just me or does he get more lei's in every picture?

Big mahalo to all those who gave to my gogetfunding campaign. I'm excited to report I reached my goal of $5,250. Thank you to Princess Abigail and Gail Worth for putting me over the top! I am honored to be called your friend.

Not sure who is the Princess and who is Mrs. Worth in these pictures. Or these could be complete strangers.

Pretty sure Jesse was just thinking about going home to take a nap at this point

Jesse is very fortunate to have so many lovely friends and family

My dear friend, Mahi Beamer, lives in Kailua. He is physically challenged with his lungs and is on oxygen 24/7 like me. As it turned out, the bike course went right by his street in Kailua. So I told him I would stop by for a few minutes to visit. We had a nice brief visit with him and Gaye. As I was getting ready to leave, TC, who was there taking pictures, presented me with a plaque from Princess Abigail Kawanakoa, designating September 28th as "Jesse Jones Day". I was humbled by the beautiful words that were written. I am blessed!

This is awesome. Unfortunately, every day in my house is "Grace Liebenow Day"

I am ever so thankful for Jay and Jayne Kim and staff at Eki Cyclery. I couldn't have done the Ride without the special attention you gave to making the bike work for me one handed and being tubefed. 

I am forever indebted to Andrea Rudder, the trainer who put in long hours with me without asking to be paid more. Andrea, you a trooper. Thanks for cracking the whip when I needed it! Your can do spirit lifted me many times.

The trainer for my hike was my dog and he's lazy, so that's my excuse

I arrived at the finish line at 4:30 PM just before the 5 PM deadline. I had expected to arrive about 3 PM but the breaks were a little longer and at the end more frequent. There is definitely a finish line high! I was thrilled to be greeted by my friends screaming and waving the "Celebrating Life" flags. Chad, the president of the Hawaii Bike League, announced me as I rode in. Nalani had befriended him and told him my history. It was all so special. Thank you so much for patiently waiting for me to arrive Bev, Kristel, Marmie, Wally, Ruth, Jerry, Cris, Doris, Dave, Linda, Kaui, Patty and Harry. A big thanks to Harry for providing the photos. Cris, Doris, and Dave are from my monthly Head & Neck Cancer Support Group at Queens. Great Warriors! David Goto, also from the support group, surprised me by being on the side of the road in Kaneohe with his motorcycle. He went with us to the turnaround.

SO COOL!!!!

Crossed the finish line with a shaka sign and a smile

Peace, love and joy always,

Jesse

You're amazing, Jesse!

Can you give me a hand with this?

I don't want you to get the impression I'm a complainer. I'm not the type who sits around thinking, "Woe is me!" and griping about my lot in life. I think I'm extremely fortunate for countless things: friends, family, health care, money, my health in general is actually really good. When I come up against a setback I usually just adapt and keep on moving. Actually, Betsy says I don't complain enough, so I consider this blog to be my place to vent.

I'm extremely conscious of the fact that many people have it much worse than me. It's just therapeutic for me to bitch about my own problems sometimes so I can move on with my life. That being said,
this bag is the bane of my existence:

i hate you.

Betsy is gone to her most favoritest place on earth (Target), and I'm in the bathroom brushing my teeth. I'm extremely particular about my oral care because the last thing I need right now is more medical procedures inside my mouth--even something as minor as a cavity can turn into a big deal. Also, I don't like the dentist. At all. So, the more time I spend on daily mouth care, the better. Therefore, I try to floss every night, and because I can't floss two-handed, I use these floss sticks. 

Only problem is, they're sealed up in this bag. Have you ever tried to open a sealed bag with one hand? Go ahead. I triple-dog-dare you to try to open a sealed or zip-locked bag one-handed. I'll just wait here while you do that...

Still waiting...

No, don't just say you'll do it! I actually want you to try.

Don't think I'm not watching you through your webcam! I know some people who know some people who are related to people at the NSA. I can see everything you're doing right now (For Christ's sake, Jimmy, put some pants on!!).

So go find a bag and open it with one hand.

You did it right? BUT you had to bring out the big guns.

Not these big guns ("'Murica")

I was referring to these:

Every one-armed person's best friend

Getting out the scissors is my last resort, though. I consider it giving up. Technically, I have two arms and two hands. I have some limited use of my left hand and I have some tri-cep strength. I can try to keep my left thumb straight and brace it against one side of the zip-locked bag as I pull on the other side to open it. I tried to do that with the brand new bag of floss sticks. I also held one side of the opening down on the counter with my right index finger while pulling up on the other side with right thumb and middle finger. This can get bags open if the seal's not too strong. It wasn't happening with that floss stick bag though. The more I tried to open it, the more determined I became to not let the bag beat me. I dried my fingers completely, dried the bag and dried the counter. Nope. I yelled at the bag. Still shut. I tried using the force because I've been told I have an unusually high number of midichlorians (I took the test). Yet the bag was stronger in the force than I, apparently, because nothing I did made any difference.

When did my left arm get this useless?? 

I took a typing class in high school (on an electric typewriter; I'm old but not that old). I'm not one to boast, but I got to be pretty good at it--about 60 words a minute. I always thought it was the most useful course I ever had in school because no matter what my career path, typing is something I'd be doing for the rest of my life. About 2006--two years after radiation--I first noticed that my left hand wasn't as coordinated as the right. I could type, but not at the same speed. It's so frustrating to look down at your hand, mentally will it to move and watch it sluggishly respond. Then, over the months, my fingers got slower and slower. My arm got weaker and weaker. By the beginning of 2008, not only could I not move my fingers to type, I couldn't even lift my arm up to the keyboard. Do you know how maddening this is? I guess if you have ALS and you're reading this, you're rolling your eyes right now because you're going through the same thing with your entire body; so maybe you can just read this blog and laugh at my paltry problems.

I used to be able to juggle. As a kid, I spent a large amount of time in my room teaching myself to do it. First getting the knack of throwing one ball from hand to hand at the perfect height and speed. Then tossing one ball with the right hand and immediately throwing a 2nd ball with the left until I could manage two balls at once. Finally, getting the knack of juggling three balls at once and even doing little tricks. What, I didn't have a girlfriend, ok?? I was a dork with no life--is that what you want me to say?!? 

Anyway, this was a skill I thought I'd be able to use as long as juggling was cool. Seriously, when will juggling ever not be cool?? (You don't have to answer that) I figured I'd be able to wow my child with my circus skills; at least until she got embarrassed when I did it in front of her friends. But, of course I lost the ability to throw, or catch, a ball with my left hand. 

Simple tasks are impossible or take twice as long now. I already talked about how I can't floss. You ever tried to tie your shoes with one hand? Let me know if you've got the trick for that one. Ever try to cook with one hand? Ever attempted to tie a necktie with one hand? I met an usher at the local movie theater here in Knoxville who had his left arm amputated at the shoulder when he was young. He wore a tie every day for his job. I made him demonstrate how he did it one-handed and he did it faster than I could tie one with two hands. I still can't figure it out. It couldn't have been a 'Full Windsor' knot; maybe a 'Four in Hand'? I think I could do the 'Four in Hand' pretty easily, with practice, if I had to.

Not that I ever wear a tie anyway

I wouldn't have lost the use of the arm so quickly if I was left handed. Since my right arm is dominant, I could figure out ways to adapt. Can't type with two hands? I can still type pretty quickly with one. I didn't need to worry about having to relearn to write. I can still throw, and catch, a ball. I can open a bottle with one hand. Sometimes I just need to hold it between my legs. It was almost easy to lose my left hand. I took great pride whenever I figured out a way to adapt to my disability, never thinking about what I was losing by abandoning the use of my left hand. My friend Jesse Jones also can't use his left arm, but he's left handed. Maybe this is why it took longer for him to lose it than it took me. Granted, it's been much more frustrating for him to lose his dominant hand and relearn everything. Just another reason why I admire him (his 100-mile bike race is this weekend!).

So, I partly blame myself because I didn't work hard enough to maintain my left arm strength while I still could. Ultimately, though, Jesse still lost the use of his dominant hand, so I think it was inevitable with my sensitivity to radiation. Whosever's fault it is, it sucks, and I still can't open this damn bag.

Bonefish Grill

Betsy's twin sister, Katie ("Hey Brian, watcha doin"), and her husband, Jimmy, came up from Atlanta to visit last weekend. Although they talk on the phone, and on FaceTime, multiple times a day, Katie and Jimmy don't often make the drive up to visit (to be fair, we don't regularly drive down to see them). So Betsy is always pestering her sister about coming up to see us. 

I mean ALWAYS pestering Katie. EVERY time they talk. It wouldn't be so bad if Katie didn't promise she was coming up, then change her mind at the last minute.

Here's how a typical week's conversation goes:

Monday

Betsy: "Katie, you coming up this weekend"

Katie: "Uh, what day is that? 13th? Yeah we can come up!"

B: "Awesome! I have so much stuff for you guys to do!" [Note: Betsy putting her to work so often may be a contributing factor in Katie's decision not to visit]

Tuesday

B: "You're still coming up, right?"

K: "When, THIS weekend?"

B: "Yes, Saturday! We need Jimmy to clean out the gutters and patch up the hole in the garage ceiling. I need you to help me plant the garden and pressure wash the driveway! You'd better be coming up here!!!" [I really think Betsy should hold off on the list of prospective chores until after they arrive]

K: "Uh...yeah I think we can make it up...we'll see..."

Wednesday

B: "What time are you getting here on Saturday?"

K: "Oh...uh...I don't think we can come up"

B: "Why not??"

K: "Well, there's supposed to be a lot of traffic that day and it might rain"

B: "So?!?"

K: "It'll be nice in Atlanta. I think we're just going to go dirt-bike riding"

B: "What?!? You promised you'd be here!!!"

K: "Well...maybe we can still come. We'll see"

Thursday

B: "Grace is really excited about seeing you!"

K: "Yeah...we're not coming up this weekend"

B: "Why do you ALWAYS do this?!? Just come up!!

K: "I just don't feel like driving up that day"

B: "Come on, Katie. Just come up"

K: "Sorry"

B: "Katie! Come up!"

K: "What's Grace doing?"

B: "She's crying because you're not coming up. Tell her, Grace!"

G: "Daddy, Pete and Repeat were on a boat. Pete fell off. Who was left?"

Me: "Repeat"

G: "Pete and Repeat were on a boat. Pete fell off. Who was left?"

Me: "Repeat"

G: "Pete and Repeat were on a boat. Pete fell off. Who was left?"

Me: "Repeat"

G: "Pete and Repeat were on a--"
B: "Be quiet you two!! Katie, Come up!!"
K: "We can't do it. It's too late now; we already made other plans"
B: "Fine. I'm not talking to you"

Friday
K: "Hey guys, watcha' doin?"
B: "Hey Katie, you'll never guess what happened to me today!!"

The following Monday, the same conversation plays out. Katie will always promise to come up, Betsy will get excited, Katie will decide to stay home, Betsy's hopes will be crushed. Grace and I are subjected to the ensuing sibling bickering.

But, last weekend, they drove up!!! Admittedly, it was so they could retrieve a trailer that was stolen from them the last time they visited and they were only staying the night. Yet it was a visit nonetheless!! Jimmy patched up our garage ceiling from that time I fell through it and they helped pressure wash the driveway--it's crazy how the only time anything seems to get done around here is when they are in town.

So, since they were here, we decided to go out to eat. Betsy and I really wanted to go to Bonefish Grill because they have a great gluten-free menu and we hadn't been there in a while (since before I started bringing my Vitamix to restaurants). Katie and Jimmy agreed, and we went on Friday night.

Grace is getting better at photography

We had to wait a few minutes until our table was ready, but it was great weather and we didn't mind sitting outside.

Come for the 'Bang Bang Shrimp,' Stay for the Memories!! And the bill...you need to pay the bill.

I ordered the rainbow trout, but the waitress said they were all out of trout, so I got the salmon with fresh vegetables and asparagus. The restaurant had no problem putting my meal in the Vitamixer. It was freezing inside, but they blended my dinner really hot so I was happy pushing it through the syringe.

Grace photobomb

Dining out with Katie and Jimmy is always an experience. They invariably find something wrong with their meal every time. Meat is overcooked, undercooked, service is slow, restaurant is too cold, lights too dim, meal too expensive, waiter too rude, no silverware, hair in soup, food too greasy, portion too small, too big, too cold, too hot, they've seen it all. At one restaurant in Florida, they ordered the Surf 'N Turf, only to discover that they'd gotten the "Surf OR Turf" (seriously, have you ever heard of Surf OR Turf???) and had to choose between fish and steak. Then the waitress brought the meal out, dropped it on the floor, and acted like it was Katie' and Jimmy's fault. There was a huge scene and, long story short, they are never returning to that place.

So what was up with Bonefish Grill? Here they are judging their dinners:

That was the only bite Katie had of her fish taco

Other than the Bang Bang Shrimp, which everyone agreed was awesome, the two food pessimists were less than satisfied. Their concerns were legitimate. Jimmy's 6 oz. filet mignon was the size of a meatball and the quality of the meat wasn't that great for the price. The fish in Katie's fish taco was dry and she really didn't like the taste of the mango salsa. She only had one bite out of three tacos, so the restaurant was kind enough to take her entree off their bill.

From their standpoint, Katie and Jimmy are extremely unlucky when it comes to eating out. They acknowledge that they're hard to please and most restaurants just don't get it right. From an outside perspective, it might seem as though they are far too finicky about their meals and not allowing themselves to simply enjoy eating out with their family. Hypothetically, someone who eats through a feeding tube might go so far as to say that they're very lucky to be able to taste their food in the first place. Hypothetically.

Grace LOVES her Uncle Jimmy

Hope you guys hurry back!! Grace wants you to build her a tree house!!!

eMeals

I am not a chef.

OK, maybe I'm not this bad, but it's close

I am incapable of looking at various ingredients in our pantry and thinking, hmmm, an onion, potato, avocado, can of baked beans, can of mandarin oranges, and a can of tuna...AHA!!!! I know exactly what to do with this, and it will leave my seven year-old licking her plate!!! Nope, more than likely, I would leave those cans there, tell the family to fend for themselves and break out a Real Food Blend. Wait...did I just endorse a company--Real Food Blends--in the middle of endorsing another company--E-Meals?? I sure-the-hell DID!!! Now go shop at Target  (Expect More. Pay Less) and treat yourself to a meal at Red Lobster (Sea Food Differently) tonight!

I've had my share of cooking mishaps, set the fire alarm off a number of times, produced meat that was still bloody inside, rice that was crunchy, scrambled eggs that were brown, hamburgers that could double as hockey pucks.

I tried cooking a pizza on a wooden cutting board in the oven once...I'm not a smart man

I've tried baking birthday cakes a number of times for Grace and they've been disasters. The frosting oozing off the side like some sort of yellowish sludge. The layers sliding apart until the cake resembled a leaning tower on the verge of toppling over.

I guess my cakes could've been worse though

At the beginning of our marriage, Betsy and I split cooking duties. We each had a couple meals we'd picked up from our mothers (mine were fried rice and spaghetti), and we would add hamburger helper, tuna helper, or mac and cheese to the rotation. Neither of us were big eaters, and cooking was a chore we put the least amount of effort in.

Then, I lost the ability to eat in April, 2009, and started blending my meals in December. Ironically, I lost the ability to taste my food, but grew fascinated with all aspects of cooking. I started out depending on AllRecipes.com. I only cooked meals that appealed to me with four and a half stars or more. I got bored if I made the same meal twice, so I tended to try new dishes as often as possible. Some were hits and some misses. I have a huge stack of AllRecipes meals that I printed out with notations on each one for how they tasted and which ingredients to try for next time.

This worked out pretty well for a while, but I started running out of ideas. I also found out that eating gluten and legumes caused the eczema that had been bothering me for years. Around the same time I discovered eMeals.com. EMeals is a genius website for hopeless chefs like me. For a small monthly cost ($5 a month), you get a weekly meal plan that includes a different entree and side every night. They offer a wide variety depending on your diet (vegetarian, paleo, gluten-free, diabetic, Mediterranean, 30-minute meals, there's a big list).

Here's an example of the meal plans. I have the gluten-free any-store plan

The best part is, you also get a shopping list that you can tailor, depending on where you shop (Kroger, Publix, Safeway, Target, Walmart, Costco, Whole Foods, etc.). The grocery list allows you to get everything you need for the week, without worrying about running back to the store every other night for a forgotten item.

They even divide the grocery list so you're not wandering all over the store searching for each ingredient

So now I do all the cooking and the best part is Betsy can boast to all her friends that her husband creates 'gourmet meals' every night (compared to what we were eating, these are definitely gourmet meals). My reputation in the kitchen has gone from this:

I like this picture on so many levels; especially the frowny face

To this:

Maybe not exactly like this...Grace doesn't like asparagus

I strongly encourage anyone to try out eMeals. It has greatly simplified our lives and helped us eat more healthy, varied diets.

Home Alone

Betsy left me.

She took the kid with her, but I got to keep the dog. And the chickens.

We're all alone. Aspen and me. Me and Aspen. Just a couple of bros. Walking around the 'hood, sniffing butts and peeing on flowers.

He stayed home while I did that stuff

OK, Betsy didn't 'LEAVE ME' leave me. They just went to her parents for the long weekend. I am extremely fortunate, and not only because I have my wife to tie my shoes, wash my undies, and be my advocate. I'm also lucky because Betsy can take off for a few days and I'm able to survive on my own.

No more than a few days though. Any longer and I get up to crazy shenanigans like that time I fell through the attic floor and onto the car. Funny story. I should share it sometime.

Would've been cooler if the hole was body-shaped like on Looney Tunes

I know plenty of people, both tubies and those facing some other type of disability, who require constant care. I have a friend who is a combat disabled veteran. He has a Traumatic Brain Injury and is currently on two types of seizure medication. Just when he thinks his seizures are under control, he has another complex partial. As a result, he is unable to drive and has to rely on his wife to be his chauffeur. She also has to be his advocate and do things like remind him to take his meds because of his memory problems. He could not be left home alone, so I count myself very lucky to have so much independence.

I do most of the cooking for our small family, so when Betsy and Grace leave, I tend to do the bare minimum for dinners. I have one recipe that is my 'go-to' dish in the evening:

I bet these taste REALLY good together!!

Yep, just a sweet potato, a can of sardines in olive oil, and a braeburn apple (because all those other types of apples taste like cardboard next to the braeburn; don't try to tell me different). I've calculated that this is the healthiest meal I can have with the least amount of effort.

"But Brian," you protest, "that sounds really disgusting! How can you stand to look at that concoction (and smell it), knowing it's destined for your stomach??"

Well, let's see how it looks after I've cooked the sweet potato.

"GET IN MAH BELLY!!!"

Huh. Still looks kind of gross. Oh well, it's not like I have to taste it or anything.

Into the Vitamix with you!

After blending it turns the same color as just about everything else I make so I can pretend it's chicken.

Except for that revolting odor

There are definitely benefits to being home alone. I get to use the bathroom with the door open (that reminds me, don't pop in unannounced when I'm home alone; there are some things you can't un-see). I can go to bed whenever I want, listen to whatever kind of music I want, read without interruption, and I don't have to clean the house until right before Betsy gets back. 

On the other hand, it gets pretty lonely real fast. Plus there are all sorts of things Betsy does around here that I don't appreciate until she's gone. Since I can't use one arm, it's very frustrating to perform any type of upkeep on the house. Just something as simple as hanging a picture on the wall is impossible for me to do. Betsy does most of our finances, usually makes the calls for my medical appointments, and generally lifts my spirits. Grace is the one who gives my life meaning. So, while I can get by when I'm left by myself, my happiness and survival greatly depend on the two ladies in my life.

I told Aspen to take this but he wouldn't even get up, lazy bastard

I really wanted to post a picture here showing Aspen shedding all over Betsy's side of the bed or peeing on the rug, or me doing a keg-stand in the living room. Just something that Betsy wouldn't find out about until she read the blog. Unfortunately, I didn't think of it until just now, so I'll leave a placeholder here. Next time I'm home alone there will be an EPIC photo of me trashing the house!!!!